Wednesday, March 28, 2018
i want to write to everyone, Everyone, at least that i could do, though it wouldn't make sense, so i won't, but here i am.
i want her to know i've changed, i want him (oh i dreamed of him the other night, it was strange) to know ive changed. im sorry, im so sorry, i couldnt see you guys clearly, understand what you meant, i just drowned in loneliness, even if you were there for me, i wanted to see it but i couldnt, for the most part. i KNOW this is weird and whatevs but i was reading a book and now im thinking more or less the way the characters write, and think, and i needed this somewhere. (i dont know whats up with the long sentences though, that's not them, that's me, i think.)
i want to erase my past because i feel like there was a long time in which i couldn't change, i couldn't grow, i was just hurting everyone and hurting myself and i did try to get out of that but i didn't have any clarity, i believed in everything i saw (which weren't many different things, it was all tinted in me, me, me). and i knew i didn't have that clarity, at times, but i didn't let you know, i guess, and i dont know how you stayed with me when i was so mean, i was so mean! for no reason. i didnt mean to. but i felt misunderstood, as you do, and i couldnt find a way to blame myself, or rather, to understand that thats how it is, when you cant get out is hard for other people to get you out.
anyways, a late thank you, i know you know, but thank you, and im sorry. i know you know. just... i am.
i cant stand who i was, but the thing is, i dont understand who i am now, either. no, that's not it. i dont know who im supposed to be. where should i go, etc.
ive been trying not to hurt anyone, and i have succeded some times, but ive become more and more isolated, in a way. in many ways. i dont know. and i STILL dont know how to manage everything that happens to me, though there are a few new things (because ive been hurting myself... without realising it) (and maybe because the world has changed) (but anyway) - but! im still clueless about a certain kind of feelings, in fact these days i am uncertain of every kind of feeling, and i tell myself its okay because no one can see them, only me, but of course i cant go on like this because well, i cant go on.
the funny, and at the same time, the obvious thing, is that the emotions that damage me the most are the same as they used to be. theyre just assigned to different things - and not even, just parts of them. and the not funny part is i feel that theyre more true now, that they make more sense, in general. there's an undeniable truth. and yet! there isn't. what i mean is, i cant stop thinking how do people live knowing the world's like this? and i know that, well, in that case you should just accept it, girl, but i cant and its hard and. i have a point, right? (not really, i know.)
that wasn't what i wanted to talk about, was it?
so the funny thing that DOES have to do with was i was saying is that even after all this time im still confused about the SAME thing which is: i only need the thing i cant figure out. which is, of course... yes. so that's the thing(TM), and im sorry! and i made it even worse now because i think im so broken that i couldnt do you any good and it would be such a mess. (it would have been a mess anyway.)
hmmmm. there's something i'm not quite getting to say. im missing something. what is it? let me think.
i hate my past self so much that i want to be someone new, and i am, but i dont have room to build a new me because it's all filled with fear, so that's all i am now, pretty much empty except for the dread. and still i am glad, because i am better, this is better for everyone, even for me, but this has to go as well. it has to change. and do i believe it can change? yes, most days yes, but also most days, im scared it wont.
but ive changed guys, i see it now.
and to the others, i try, i try, i try. some of you i miss you every day. but i cant move sometimes, you know? i cant even move. imagine talking to you.
im so tired i cant even cry (actually, i have learnt to cry i think, this past two or three years. which is a good thing, maybe?). but i get up. i cant even move, but most days i do. and i see now what you did for me, and how there's no one like you anymore, and i wonder why that is. but i get up. i dont wear my loneliness as a silent trophy anymore, i just shrug and try to go on. try to talk to someone. there's no one like you, everyone hates the subject, and i hate to bring it up. im sorry, back then i couldnt tell you that i knew what you meant to me. and now i cant tell you that i understand that even more. ive gained that clarity, guys, i made it. i wanted you to know i did it.
so that's something. i wish i let you know back then.