Saturday, October 20, 2018

i don't want to say 'i'm sorry'

Thursday, October 11, 2018

peach pink dawn
a streak does a wrapping twist around me
a traveler
carrying their home with them

invisible to the eyes of strangers,
amazing to some insiders
on the same journey
but she's a fire who knows the rain well
a ghost with a strong core

how luminous can you be
how long do stars stay alive
how much does the sun weigh
how much does the moon
give you back

dawn breaks
despite all ive done
mountains seem too high for me

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

"are you sure? if you go up there you can't do anything."

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Thursday, August 23, 2018

you know, when it sparks
even with your eyes closed
a few misteps-- but its there
hear your own voice
see your own memories
picture others', too
its on your fingertips
youre sure
this is how it was before
but then when you actually grab it
when youre ready to feel the rush
something pushes you aside, separates you from you
you wanna stay where you were but
it is fake now
and you feel nothing

lie down a while, keep on with your day
theres an aftertaste of unsureness
oh, dont spiral down again
how to compensate
how many holes do you keep in your heart
how much empty space
ah how to compensate
what to untie

it lights up again
but you know best
stay still
maybe you dont need your heart
or maybe it will figure itself out
at some point

such simple things
can make you spin

and you push you aside,
just a little bit
stay still
watch it go
how many holes
do you carry in your heart
well you dont know
youre just looking from a distance

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Sunday, July 22, 2018


i need to feel close
only, i dont know, a few million light years
feel we shine in the same sky
we shimmer in the same nights

meeting universes

Saturday, June 30, 2018


im tired of solving puzzles,
my whole life's been trying to see in the dark
to focus on passing landscapes
get in here, get out there

and this comes into mind again:
no one knows what i do best

if i get better why dont i
get better

all these years are with me, believe me
i am new but i am also me
whether you see it or not
and it's not a cage anymore,
but it is something only i know

every time i got up on my feet
i did so closing my eyes for a bit
telling myself if you dont look at the sun
then its ok
if you got the sun in you, no matter
whether you see it shine

every time i got up on my feet i
did so letting go of something
or locking up small treasures
i never left an imprint, never cared to use my voice
most things i built on nothing
and still, i built them

and still,
it's all gone now

every time i got up on my feet
i shrugged or frowned
i put a smile on my face
i said i always win
not one time did i find the time,
the place to feel at ease
i did it all by myself despite myself
i know it was the only way
and i made it

but you know,
it's all gone now

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

i want to write to everyone, Everyone, at least that i could do, though it wouldn't make sense, so i won't, but here i am.
i want her to know i've changed, i want him (oh i dreamed of him the other night, it was strange) to know ive changed. im sorry, im so sorry, i couldnt see you guys clearly, understand what you meant, i just drowned in loneliness, even if you were there for me, i wanted to see it but i couldnt, for the most part. i KNOW this is weird and whatevs but i was reading a book and now im thinking more or less the way the characters write, and think, and i needed this somewhere. (i dont know whats up with the long sentences though, that's not them, that's me, i think.)
i want to erase my past because i feel like there was a long time in which i couldn't change, i couldn't grow, i was just hurting everyone and hurting myself and i did try to get out of that but i didn't have any clarity, i believed in everything i saw (which weren't many different things, it was all tinted in me, me, me). and i knew i didn't have that clarity, at times, but i didn't let you know, i guess, and i dont know how you stayed with me when i was so mean, i was so mean! for no reason. i didnt mean to. but i felt misunderstood, as you do, and i couldnt find a way to blame myself, or rather, to understand that thats how it is, when you cant get out is hard for other people to get you out.
anyways, a late thank you, i know you know, but thank you, and im sorry. i know you know. just... i am.
i cant stand who i was, but the thing is, i dont understand who i am now, either. no, that's not it. i dont know who im supposed to be. where should i go, etc.
ive been trying not to hurt anyone, and i have succeded some times, but ive become more and more isolated, in a way. in many ways. i dont know. and i STILL dont know how to manage everything that happens to me, though there are a few new things (because ive been hurting myself... without realising it) (and maybe because the world has changed) (but anyway) - but! im still clueless about a certain kind of feelings, in fact these days i am uncertain of every kind of feeling, and i tell myself its okay because no one can see them, only me, but of course i cant go on like this because well, i cant go on.
the funny, and at the same time, the obvious thing, is that the emotions that damage me the most are the same as they used to be. theyre just assigned to different things - and not even, just parts of them. and the not funny part is i feel that theyre more true now, that they make more sense, in general. there's an undeniable truth. and yet! there isn't. what i mean is, i cant stop thinking how do people live knowing the world's like this? and i know that, well, in that case you should just accept it, girl, but i cant and its hard and. i have a point, right? (not really, i know.)
that wasn't what i wanted to talk about, was it?
so the funny thing that DOES have to do with was i was saying is that even after all this time im still confused about the SAME thing which is: i only need the thing i cant figure out. which is, of course... yes. so that's the thing(TM), and im sorry! and i made it even worse now because i think im so broken that i couldnt do you any good and it would be such a mess. (it would have been a mess anyway.)
hmmmm. there's something i'm not quite getting to say. im missing something. what is it? let me think.
i hate my past self so much that i want to be someone new, and i am, but i dont have room to build a new me because it's all filled with fear, so that's all i am now, pretty much empty except for the dread. and still i am glad, because i am better, this is better for everyone, even for me, but this has to go as well. it has to change. and do i believe it can change? yes, most days yes, but also most days, im scared it wont.
but ive changed guys, i see it now.
and to the others, i try, i try, i try. some of you i miss you every day. but i cant move sometimes, you know? i cant even move. imagine talking to you.
im so tired i cant even cry (actually, i have learnt to cry i think, this past two or three years. which is a good thing, maybe?). but i get up. i cant even move, but most days i do. and i see now what you did for me, and how there's no one like you anymore, and i wonder why that is. but i get up. i dont wear my loneliness as a silent trophy anymore, i just shrug and try to go on. try to talk to someone. there's no one like you, everyone hates the subject, and i hate to bring it up. im sorry, back then i couldnt tell you that i knew what you meant to me. and now i cant tell you that i understand that even more. ive gained that clarity, guys, i made it. i wanted you to know i did it.
so that's something. i wish i let you know back then.

Monday, August 21, 2017

[17/8] a

im so sorry
my feelings let you down again
ive been walking around the city for days
trying to find a new perspective,
to see it like them,
but i fall back to the same spot in my house suddenly
i close my eyes and as they open i feel
unable to move again
ive been making plans for days
looking at maps, trying to forget the maps
ive been trying to run without running
but you've met me at the same spot again,
im so sorry

[20/8] b

"that made sense at the time
but now i...
you know, after spending some time somewhere else..."

the sky was cloudy and it seemed like the grey could enter the room. everything had less colour than before.

after a couple of hours, cup of tea in my hands
i looked out the window, and with a little sigh i said
"nevermind. my words stay true."

Wednesday, July 12, 2017


oh baby i don't wanna talk
my day's been gone like any other day
i've been trying to find the answers i don't want to try to find

i've been living alone
and you,
have you been living alone?

oh baby i don't want to teach you lessons
i know we've been doing fine,
why do we lose our minds?
why do i think i lost my mind?

baby i just want to feel your arms
while i look into your eyes

oh i, i don't wanna talk
we'll see tomorrow, we'll see how this all feels
we'll go on walking and saying how've you been
stepping on ice and then i'll look into your eyes

oh i believe you, but i don't wanna talk
it's (be)coming clearer but still there's a long road
and everything i thought would end
is becoming clearer in my head
and i know that you, too, understand

but that is too many words,
i just wanna say i'll hold you close

tomorrow & always

Saturday, April 8, 2017

2/4. iv

i had a chance with them alone at one of the few small buildings in the area.

"be very careful of them," they said.

i couldn't reply because i knew they were right, but i also cared about the other ones deeply.

"do you trust some of them or are you still treating this as a kind of simulated experience, a new category which your mind has yet to limit and name?

"make no mistake, this is real. the reality of it just barely reaches you."

i know. they carried me in their arms. i know their touch.

"i am struggling, in fact," i mananged to say. "earth does not feel the same, sometimes. but i guess we both changed."

"ah," they said, "indeed. it takes a little while to get used to all the snow. you still have your house, right?"

"i'm trying to keep it, yes. maintaining it."

"good. you have a good spine too. though be careful, as you may tend to forget."

i looked around. how could a place feel cold and cozy at the same time?

"you're a curiosity, you adapt to everything but it takes you longer than the average. you can break any door, cut down any tree as soon as it's needed, to start forming a path. now the path itself... you have ghosts and that's okay. you use them."

i was silent again. i had no idea if they were right. i kept looking at the place and consciously feeling the strange warmth.

i remembered their warm hands.

everything had become ambiguous, the two sides of every coin more obvious.

i remembered the summer, where there was only the sun.

"i do have ghosts. that is why i'm careful. but i want then gone so sometimes i'm not." i paused and added, "i know i'm small and it's hard to carry all."

i closed my eyes and i could feel the others, waiting, patiently.

"come see us any time," they said. "go home any time."

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

25/3, ii

vienen todos marchando
de blanco entre la niebla blanca
gris, quizás
entre montañas, yo
giro y abro grandes los ojos
me sorprendo
ya vienen, todos
los espero con flores
con escarcha
con una sonrisa

me miran, dos o tres
me agarran de los brazos
me arrastran
donde empieza una montaña,
entre rocas
me miran en silencio

de blanco, como la nieve de afuera
ojos claros
manos tibias!

me ponen contra la pared
sólo se acercan
me miran
me sostienen

la niebla empieza a entrar
me sueltan
me dejan caer, me atajan

me esperan todos afuera
días, horas? meses?
sin moverse

me decido a salir y todos los brazos se extienden

me pasan uno por uno
en un baile eterno, sin espacio
escucho el roce constante de tela blanca

toda mi piel conoce sus manos

al final camino
y caminan
en silencio y desde entonces
adonde mire ellos están
entre la niebla, o abrazándome
camuflándse sólo lo justo en el silencio
entre mis manos
entre las montañas.

25/3, iii

the music's still in my head
and all the words
i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry
this seems everlasting

but i've been this lost before,
this is just another room
of the same house (million houses)

and i refuse to live here,
imagining mirrors
scared or tired of unseen reflections

consider this another stop,
another walk maybe
that will (because it will! in the end)
add up to the stars
go up and
stay down, i guess

enjoy threading words
if anything
enjoy seeing it as it is, i guess
while i burst into flames (no burn)

i refuse...
if you want to watch me then watch me
all the way through
all of the hours, the countless hours

the crushing dreams etc

the songs are still in my head,
all the words
i'm so sorry
all the noise

are my feet cold?
are my hands warm?

enjoy being still,
if anything

see me create fire

something new, maybe
nothing old
watch something dissolve

i don't need to remember
any more
because i know

in the meantime it's all wrong, but i know

there's already something gone,
though my eyes close
something falls into place every second
though the rest crumbles

all the noise

there is something gone,
i can almost hear it
feels like a satin ribbon slipping through my hand

enjoy being still,
if anytning

a quiet melody, almost new
a quiet beat
i don't remember it but i know how it goes

i've been lost before
take in the view
say something true

Saturday, March 25, 2017

finally, (was i expecting this?)
we walk together at night
you're hiding your face, but it's okay
i can feel your hand

Sunday, February 12, 2017

[noviembre 2010]

el polvo que flota en la luz del sol
brilla más que la inmensidad de ella
y vale más
que lo que se desintegró

Saturday, September 17, 2016

[2008 05 22]

tener tiempo
para odiar todo esto,
para recordar
que siempre estuvo aquí

para cambiarlo
(run until you realize
you're lying on the floor
you crawl and though your eyes are open
you're blind)
para elegir cómo quiero mentirme,
qué parte de la historia
quiero repetir

Sunday, March 13, 2016

is this it
have i found my winterhome,
home is winter autumn snow,
crunchy leaves and greyish cold

did all of those hours turn time around
ah but words stain my tarnished windows
home's not cozy home's not open home's not

did all of those years just fall in the background
a long walking distance
winterboots, snowy grass, not many paths
winterwoods, snowy earth, like in the past

what day is it today
and also first of a cycle
and also third of a series
did the train stop here again or it is just too close

maybe i spent so much time now there isn't any left
but i guess i'm already leaving because it remembers to come back
and pull you out/in

as a side note, there was him in my dream
i made him such big part of me that i cannot make him leave
i don't miss him, do i
i don't mind either way, but last night
he was just playing a part of me

yes, i could still see you in my home
another one but a winter one
i don't mind, i understand
and walking here there's no you

guess i'm leaving, i hear the sea
but some things i don't forget
and i know my place in the woods
i know winterland without time
i know how it hurts and i know why
a snowheart

Monday, February 22, 2016

[3 8 2009]

there was something else, not waiting for me.

something was being denied to me.
kept away.
and i was forgetting myself too.


Thursday, January 14, 2016

/// cuaderno 23 ///

[1 12 2014]

wanting to be heard
but failing to produce a melody that would make the ice melt
he kept walking
imitating the sounds of nature
putting them together to form songs
but only for a moment a few notes felt like a warm light around him
then it was gone
and at night he tried to talk to the moon
but she said you've been silent for a long time,
you dont't speak my language as fluently
so he slept thinking of the future and the past
knowing that the present is a long time
in which he wouldn't recognize the day or the night
or the places where he went
he wouldn't call them home


[9 12 2014]

you were here today
i had more words than feelings

i feel things when it's too late
i feel your presence when there's only a gleam left


[13 12 2014]

How To Destroy Yourself:
Just let the world do its work


[20 1 2015]

And the next day it was cold. It was the weirdest Monday, and the next day it was cold, in the middle of January. And at night while I was walking to my siblings’ apartment I thought, “You can also learn to love.”


[4 4 2015]

there's nothing i want to do except love someone so much i forget it has no meaning


[30 4 2015]

is there good poison?


can you learn something by getting worse?


[8 6 2015]

I'm keeping my eyes open
I'm letting the needles I feel trace & teach me new words
I'm letting the space
build new shapes
new sillhouettes for the things that I know
(that I think I know)

i'm using distance as a way to keep you near
to embrace you and make sure i don't forget you

i'm letting shadows speak and taking every hit
i feel so close to the door but i'm not letting me go
before exploring this place first


[10 10 2015] [it must be 2015...]

oh please come back to me
i have new presents
i have glimmering flames

oh please come back to me
reassure me of permanence
of identity, of chapters

remind me of old blue caves
glass castles and raincloud rides
ah the smell of stories among trees


[15 12 2015]

soy incapaz de abrir espacios
¡de correr las cortinas!
de vaciar habitaciones.

iría a la costanera,
bajaría a la playa,
me sentaría sobre las piedras,
mirando el lago
para encontrarte

pero aunque te dijera
que nada de lo que viste era cierto
ya somos quienes somos
y quienes fuimos

no podemos des-conocernos

te mostraría, eso sí
los tesoros que yo guardo
mi textura

pero ya es tan tarde
siempre oscurece aquí
y soy incapaz
de afrontar los mediodías

los días siguientes
vienen como olas hacia mí
grandes, fuertes
'fight or flight'?
well i do both

y luego intento
describir las contradicciones
pero soy incapaz
de trazar ciertos límites

caminaría hasta tu casa
un día de verano
para decirte
que todo el resto era mentira

pondría carteles por todas partes
anunciando mis hazañas
mis texturas

pero es medianoche ya,
y no sé qué día es
sólo sé de las olas
y las estrellas que me miran


por aire que no conseguiré
que no buscaré

por tesoros, por texturas de otros
aire que no conseguiré,
que no buscaré

por no poder decir
por la vergüenza de gritar
porque soy incapaz
de abrir las cortinas

y de entender mañanas
y ayeres

Thursday, October 15, 2015

should i go where i drown
one of the careful places now destructed
only a few walls left
almost no floor

i can tell you everything with one look

i find my thoughts (to be) as powerful as actions—
ah careful there! little walls left

and i don't want it because it never made me happy
i couldn't say anything
and no one likes quiet

should i walk just along the fence
be where i went when i was younger
i swear i felt the pain then too—
i just didn't know what it was

more stairs to the same floors

i find my world as painful as this world

and all i can think of is the waves
over and over and over and over
all i can think of is
how hard it seems for you to listen

my skin is too thick but not thick enough
different light
the night goes in but never goes out
it never expands

i find my thoughts as strong as actions
careful— the tide may turn

do you know my words

cold walls
cold hands from pressing my palms against the stone
my whole body embrace(s) it
with eyes closed i feel you close
i see how far you are

should i drown in purple waters
keeping you from the rain
should i dive in orange waters
show how fire can be rain

while i think about the waves,
the waves,