Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
there's always gonna be something. i can't focus, i never can. i'm always about to start anything but it ends before that. i only remember the bad parts. keep replaying them in my head. i get sick and i get stuck. then i make excuses. then i'm not sure anymore which are the real reasons for the decisions i make. i keep trying to find deeper meaning in something that really doesn't need to be more than just what it is. the simple things, i can't enjoy them. i don't know what's better or worse, i could find reasons for both and i don't know which side i'm on. what i do doesn't seem enough. what i like isn't motivational or inspirational enough. because every time i'm about to start something, i'm sure it's going to be a waste of time. a teacher told my class once, the result is only an idea; it's changing all the time. you have to keep in mind what you want that result to be, but let it change during the process. focus on the process, on what you are doing at the moment. you will find or come up with things you hadn't thought of before. so there it is. i've learned my lessons. i know how i should think and feel and act. now what is it that keeps me from doing this? i can't stand to listen to the word "fear" in my head again. i keep saying it. i know myself well. it always gets to this point. and before i over-analyze everything again and feel like everything around me is useless and meaningless, i run and then do something that doesn't "involve me". passive. i look at pictures. i listen to music. i watch a movie or a tv series. i write meaningless words about how everything is meaningless and then laugh at myself. i feel guilty. why am i wasting my time? i want to share something with the world. i want to feel like i'm part of the world. i always notice what i can't do. i'm not really good at anything (or am i?). it shouldn't matter so much as long as i'm not throwing my life away, i guess. i'm responsible. i want to learn. but it's always so hard to start. there's also a part that doesn't depend on me, of course. i hate that thought. i get angry. so why not focus on what i can do? there is something. something won't let me move on. replaying in my head, over and over. (i wrote something about that the other day-
i feel like every decision i make is a lie. maybe truth is overrated and all i have to do is forget and pretend. well i've already done that, and sooner or later the secrets come out in ways no one (sometimes not even me) could understand. so i'd end up hurting everyone around me anyway.)
something keeps happening and i can't accept it, really. i understand. but it still hurts. it still scares me. maybe the scars are the only things that mean something. some of them are the only way i could speak when words didn't help. the point isn't hurting myself - not consciously. i notice how it keeps haunting me though, the thought of me being responsible for everything that goes wrong. for every aching bone. for every broken heart. for every time i wasn't able to sleep. for every thing i couldn't start. for every thing i never learned. i've blocked things out. i've left myself out. i push them away. i never forget them. i'm responsible for every thing that i can't control. either i messed it up or i'm not trying hard enough. i don't know who i'm supposed to be, and yet who i'm supposed to be is more important than who i am. because who i am can't do anything except complain. i learned my lessons. i know how i should feel. i have better moments, i have worse too. there's still something. something that reminds me of what's missing. the shape of it keeps changing. i'm not sure where i am. i was left behind by who i wanted to be. what i don't seem to realize is that i can still be whoever i want to be. i can't fight. i always surrender. i can't stand defeat, even if i'm good at denying how things like this really affect me. i can't stand letting everyone down. i know there's a part of me who thinks that i need to be punished for that. for not being enough. for making them unhappy. for making myself unhappy. what a vicious circle. keeps replaying. the same way i repeat words or sentences when i write. it keeps going. things might seem to be clear but there's always something confusing, something i can't really get a hold of. i'm wasting my time and so are you. why don't i just live until i die? but why not enjoy it while i can? well can i? there are many things that make me happy. there's love. there's music. there's home. there's family. i don't take anything for granted. but i still need something else. i tend to make myself stop needing. the numbing feeling is relieving, but it can't last forever. i'm always going to need something, some things will never leave, and to not do anything about it will always make me feel frustrated before i feel numb. i can erase every feeling but only for a while - it lasts less every time. at this point i know i can't quit but i don't know where to start. "start anywhere, do anything". fear, and the way i think there's no point in being afraid of everything, seem to be staying for a long time. shame, and the way i think it's useless, seem to be staying for a long time too. maybe a bad decision doesn't matter so much either. maybe no one expects anything from me. maybe i shouldn't. or maybe, mistakes are also a part of who i'm supposed to be.