it’s hard to talk about things
time goes by and i’d rather just... drift

which things do i keep separate
what am i doing that i... can’t be whole

cold season, cloudy season
spring heat feels odd
uncomfortable, like i’m out of place
but today it is winter and it’s cold
and there’s snow and it feels... dull
i’m not sad, i think, i’m not too bad
i feel like i just want to stay still but that’s a tiny bit unsettling

so many emotions i haven’t yet explored
so many years i haven’t still let go
and why isn’t it okay anyway
what’s the world trying to tell me

what’s my soul trying to tell me

and when a piece breaks off
how do i know where it came from
should i? should i know?
and when the fire rests
why does it feel i burn myself

trying to balance action and inaction
love and change
peace and... revolution, i guess

it’s hard to talk about things when you end up saying the same
you always do
i feel there’s something much deeper i cannot, still, put into words

why do i worry
why are there things to worry about
how do they love me
how do i want to love the most

if i hate this world then why do i wanna live
if i wanna live then why don’t i feel alive
why so tired, why hold on
or maybe why, why do i want to feel anything at all

don’t you think feeling nothing is... a tiny bit unsettling
there’s no nothing, there’s just the feeling that there’s nothing
yes, emptiness
it just fluctuates between anguish and resignation

and if you don’t expect then why would you want to live
but strangely, i do
maybe i’m still silently waiting, hoping
while thinking there’s no way
and that’s why it hurts

(seems so obvious when you say it out loud
but inside it feels so... like something has to reconcile)

is it possible to ‘accept’ things without feeling like you’ve given up?
and like you could have, maybe, not given up?
or that maybe the world could have given you another chance
or as silly as it may sound, some reassurance that it’s okay?
or maybe
that it’s a lonely road
that it may hurt but it doesn’t make much sense if you tell

that’s why it’s hard to talk about things
i’m not complaining, it’s just what’s happening is not important
it’s what i’m feeling
i just wanna say stay
let’s wait it out it’ll be okay

i’ll make decisions later,
i will write about it later
maybe
right now i wish for two things
to just drift,
and meet you somewhere along the way










































[b- sides]



there's also something about
feeling angry because a part of me feels that it it has to apologize
and (al)so i
try to consider if i should and what it would
do
i just wanna do whatever i don't want to know what happens next

/////


i always wanna feel something but i wanna mildify it, or sadify it


///

some things i can't change, i get that
but the thing is people keep asking me to change them



///

my feeling is not sadness
or maybe it is, at its core
but then there's just
dissatisfaction, a bit of shame, a bit of anger

and anxiety i don't know where it comes from
sometimes i think it's not the same thing, it crosses it tangentially

everything was on fire
and i was outside
my love for you was burning
but it wasn't here this time
i had let it go
you had let it go

a few years ago all i could do was run
and so i ran to you
i guess your coldness felt like home,
though i felt there was something warm there
hidden, and then not so much

i guess i watched you grow

i let myself wonder about you,
enjoy the simple feeling
i almost trusted you and i didn't hold back
we were free at some point, weren't we?

and now everything was on fire,
ah where did the love go
did it only fuel resentment
or did you not feel it at all

i know i've been trying
to handle too much at once
but it wasn't my fault
(not that it matters)
i opened my heart and you just... let it go

i keep giving but i guess... there's no space left

and the only air is the one that feeds the fire
the only words are knives,
and silence is like cheap wine
bitter, boring, lonely
leaves you alone with your thoughts,
wishing you would just feel cold

but it's fine, rain will come
i'll be free at some point, boring, and lonely
bitterness will go and you won't know
who i'll be

everything was on fire and i said
if no one's here i will leave too
i said love never dies but you can leave it behind
i don't mind anymore if you let it burn away

this time it's me that won't say a word
maybe i will, again, feel the cold
maybe instead of fire i'll see a ghost
ah, in any case
i'll be more me than before
  

[18/1/21] - 1

sobre mis hombros solo hay flores
pero a veces mis rodillas duelen
las cicatrices de antes, los golpes de ahora
pero mira los colores

no sé, hace siglos creía perder
ahora solo pienso en el timing, hoy, today
mañana quizás cambie de idea,
pero si me pudieras ver...

cambié otra vez, y para qué
espero el momento con ansias,
pero también serenidad
pienso que no tiene sentido, pero es lo único
que tiene sentido

me mantienen con vida las ganas de salir
perdón por lo obvio, pero sí, el caminar por madrid
visitarte en tu casa, que cocines para mí
regalarte ese libro, que salgamos por ahí

cuándo se acabará la arena del reloj
cuándo bajaré a tierra, o subiré a un avión
no lo pienso nunca pero siempre siento
there is so much more to show

te extraño, extraño lo que no conocí
pienso en el timing, y en cosas que descubrí
y cómo las demuestro, si solo estoy aquí 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[19/1/21] - 2

 

quisiera recrear eso de ayer
olvidarme de que luego cambiaría
otra vez

parezco un disco rayado, ay
y yo aquí pensando
que podía progresar

pero ya está, ya está
vuelvo a empezar y ya está
que nunca se pierden los sueños,
y el alma ya se va a arreglar

quisiera atar mejor los hilos
qué sé yo, como se diga
no ver todo tan separado,
tan lejos entre sí

pero sabes lo que en realidad quisiera
que extrañarte fuera cierto
que esta no fuera una parte 2,
que esto no existiera

recordar alguna vez en la que sí,
y aquí me pongo críptica
es que si no fuera por hoy quizás me creía
que había cosas que sí tenía

pero también lo dije ayer,
in a different way
or maybe the same, quizás sí que me acordé
pues ya volverán los sueños
y de sueños viviré

ojalá pudiera volver,
volver a hacer
algo nuevo porque sí, que se quede junto a mí

imagínate creer de verdad
imagínate crecer, o tan solo estar
ya sabes, lo mismo de siempre
ojalá que en alguna parte
te encuentre

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(   [19/1/21] - a b-side   )

 

ojalá fuera de oro
no de verdad, sino así
como el tiempo

ojalá fuera de prisa
ojalá un simple asentir con la cabeza
me bastara para seguir

ojalá no me preguntara
por qué me pregunto cosas
por qué me arrepiento

ojalá el aire supiera
lo que hago día a día
esas gotitas de arcoiris
tan mías, tan bonitas

es que parece que no importan
si siempre las tengo que dejar
como si fuera el agua lo que oxida

ojalá volviera a escribir
como nunca hice, en realidad
sin temer
sin pensar en el final

pero soy débil, sí, así nomás
y me cuesta todo y no soy ni una más
ojalá mis gotitas tuvieran más valor
que sí lo tienen, pero están en un cajón

ojalá pudiera seguir
sin sentir que pido mucho
menos secretos, más poesía
puedo decirlo,
más amor y más vida

pero aquella parte
que es la misma de siempre
ya verás cómo se arrepiente

y así, al infinito
soy casi lo que no soy, y algún cliché similar
ojalá
ojalá pudiera brillar

i see you
you're beautiful too
though you cannot thrive here
but i see how you flourish
how you show your best colours
they shine, they shimmer
with the truth of a dreamer

i see many flowers growing on crossroads,
aren't they saying life is made of this too,
the things we don't know
and what we go through
aren't they saying you are this too,
in the best way

when you come again
to a space that's inbetween
may you bloom in your own way
may you cry sweet tears, and welcome the rain
and every time you reach for the sunlight
i hope you see that you can
i hope you know that it shows

i see you,
though here you are a stranger
morning dew waits for sunrise every day
ready to try again
a wishful garden, forever new
and in every thing you,
only you

slow blanket
nuvole bianche
that village i painted once
a washed-down tapestry

and i guess it doesn't matter
that i can't see clearly behind the clouds
what are you trying to tell me
hell, are you there at all

i guess it's just
an old film playing again

hazy eyes,
not-warm-enough blanket
but the moon smiles

here there's so much space
all the silence that i need
guess it doesn't matter
that i'm trying to discern
between day & night
a lover and a half

and there are seasons too
but everything's timeless

(they said heal your headache with cold
oh i remember
heal uneasiness with gold)

so here i gingerly sit
so many questions
so many answers!
half a bottle of wine
ribbons around my ankles

(i was writing you letters before,
so what is the difference)

non-fleeting blanket
pretty berries
it's flower season,
the moon shines

the piano sounds faintly
gently
i guess it's an old melody, playing again
but this time
i'm listening

[2020.06.09]

[scraps & whatnot from the past couple of months]

  

  //

  

[april 29]

  

i wanna scream!

that i'm so far away!

and it doesn't actually hurt me it's just so....

ah wait it does hurt

what am i gonna do

and i know everyone is the same!

all of us who fall in love feel the same things.

it's crazy, by the way, how ive just come to realise this now

but in any case,

it hurts to want to hug you so, so hard

so, so much

all day and maybe all night

hold your hand

watch you smile

listen to you talk & sing

but mostly the hugs!!!

it hurts but i don't want to stop loving you,

oh, how funny 

how obvious of me

ah, what am i gonna do

i mean i know what im gonna do but i still wanna complain

im so far away, in every sense!

and i know my love will reach you,

and it makes me smile a lot

you make me smile a lot

but the hugs....

but i hope you get them every day

as much as you can

as much as you want to

i will love you with all my strength,

and i will wish with all my strength

that someone close to you loves you in the same way

that you can love them so, so much

that they make you smile a lot

please remember that if it's important to you, then it's important

i don't know, just be happy, as much as you can

nothing matters more

wherever you are, i wish you with all my heart

a good day, a good night 

  

  //

  

[may 31] [nox]

  

what would i do if i could grow up?

she often thought about this.

she'd wear an armor. and a dress underneath.

she would love, for sure.

better yet, love wouldn't be the most important thing.

the scars wouldn't mean that much,

and neither would her past.

ah, if she wasn't stuck in time

how would past things matter

when there were new ones to experience.

but as she thought about this

she reflected, too, on the fact that she /had/ changed;

maybe some day in the next thousand years

someone would come for her, let her move on...

she remembered she had a soul,

and one that was, in a way, very old.

ah, i understand if my body can't grow.

because when i go, it'll make no difference:

i'll take so much with me, there's so much that i now know.

  

  //

  

[june 5]

  

there's truly no art left

no flowers in this temple

finally the time has come,

when everything that'll be reborn is asleep

when everything that withers is gone with the wind

  

  //

   

[june 6]

  

sometimes even i lose track of who I've become

and i fear some crucial part has been lost

i fear some part of the new is too much,

dont know if false or just a little bit heavy

  

  //

  

 [june 16]

  

esta inquietud llena de agujeros

me acuerdo de las hojas pasajeras, blancas

en las que rodaba y rodaba sin destino alguno

pero convencida, serena en el movimiento

ahora me encarcelo sin esperar nada

me trago la llave que sale en forma de espadas

por mis ojos y mis manos, suaves

me pierdo y me encuentro pero más me encuentro

pero con esta inquietud, llena de agujeros

un torrente de ilusiones me recuerda levantarme

y me mareo ante la mezcla de realidades

mis sueños son chiquitos, y grandes

los pinto en las nubes y el humo de las tardes

en los sahumerios de colores y las piedras más o [menos brillantes

recuerdo aquellos días,

cuando todo parecía importante

hoy pienso en los aromas, en las caritas de mis gatas

y aunque siento tantas heridas es posible que

[las espadas sean de todo corazón

y la suavidad, tal vez no

quiero decir, aun mejor:

el impulso aún existe y el amor aún existe

cortinas traslúcidas abrazan las mañanas

los espacios intermedios se extienden

y mis manos me cierran.

//

[june 20]

there used to be something
that i believed made me glow,
show my trrue form
a wave where i could find peace,
or would, eventually

there used to be some strings
around my neck, 
which i believed would go away
or maybe, make me strong
i believed they made me
somewhat unique

but then i fell, and it wasn't my own fault
or maybe it was, but in any case
i was responding to a sudden shock

at some point i tripped over my own hopes

(...)

is the glow still there, i don't know
either way it just won't show

(...)

i know, i know
if i keep thinking about it it'll just hurt more

but it comes at me, it tightens something
i'm still bound to some foreign land
and none of my spells work,
and i don't think there's new ones
yet

//

  

[july 16]

  

went too far and then came back

and that was the worst part

from here i could see how uneasy it had felt

how distant from my own self

but all i care about is flowers

pretty blossoms at the corners of the earth

sweet words and also a grain of salt

a rainy day among all the best

every night i look at the stars

say your name, wonder how can something

mean everything and nothing

should i just go back

but it doesn't matter where i am

and sadness already lives here, i am just a guest

but wherever i go

the sad parts feel most like home

and when i was out there,

surrounded by shimmering trees

that felt strong while they smiled at the birds

as much magic as i carry with me now

at times i felt there's no air

i came back but have i left again

who knows

after all it doesn't matter where i am

it's only about what i'm not

maybe that way light will grow

maybe i really can see the future

and there's a garden in jupiter,

where one flower's made of stone

every night i look at the stars and say

goodnight

hope we meet again tomorrow

in the middle of nowhere

2020.05.28




it's not the cold that makes me tremble
it's the space inside, which, for some reason
is locked up
a place full of ghosts i can't reach
a crystal ball, full of shadows and swirling clouds
many little pieces of light
like suns, moons and stars
flying and floating around
there's peace and there's chaos
fear and comfort
the core, maybe
full of the softest things
and the secret to how they disappear

is there balance
who knows
what does it look like
what does it /feel/ like

//

all these threads of stars
i hang them out to shine
are their borders sharp
does their fire burn
oh i wouldn't mind
but i think they're only light
sewn together with some luck
fortune, in every way

(imagine a blanket made of these
one we could share)

//

i wanna hide
behind the door
i wish you could come with me
and sit with me on the floor

do you think we can go
somewhere on our own
where we would feel nothing but dusklight and the songs
we'd improvise every day without a care in the world

do you think i can stay
enough time to wait for you
do you think hope keeps burning forever
do you think it can disguise
as something i had from the start


remember when i used to say
i could just throw it all away


i think the flame change(s) colours but it never ever fades
just like your smile stays the same
and the promise i made it's got me going so many directions
and yet it's the same thing that guides me
so in a way, my friend, it's only fate
you light the way

I - 2020 01 10

when it hurts i might not tell you
if i know it's only me
who might feel this way
i might not notice,
how much i need to get away
into my comfy space,
my warm night with dim lights
but it'll keep drizzling for days,
i'll try to remember the feeling
but i won't try too hard

i will hug my pillow and my songs
and just go on, go on
i will wait until the papercut is healed somehow





II - 2020 01 14

sleep a little,
stay in your shell

i find her so inspiring
because she came at the right time
i need to remember that is always how it works

if you go out can you take your shell with you?
just for today
it makes sense

that sense of security
i can't seem to get
i know it's within myself

the worst part is when i cannot /give/
when i feel the world is not for me
it doesn't let me heal,
i need time to feel

i know many of us are strangers
but why find a place
it sounds like an obvious question
but why find a place

i can create many presents
but for whom
i can be soft and understanding
but of whom
travel where, run my fingers through where
i just want to make it more mild still

i can give it all
but im left shaking
realising im alone
i can be better
but for whom
and i end up
making it milder still

and so it seems the solution is to just dissolve
forget, just float
fly carried by the breeze
just because

why do i feel like i struggle with words
if truth is no one's listening
and it's not right or wrong it's just how we move along
so just go on, go back home

i am asked to give it all
but to whom
i am asked ultimately
to remain empty

i cant stop the smiles coming
but i cant stop the pain
it's impossible to be nothing
and i can't be undone

i could always feel the water
but i am asked, dont mind the cold
and im left shaking
i just want to go home

i can create a million springs
but why would i
if it means leaving me colorless
pure autumn

i am told if you let go you let other things come
i even said it myself
but now im struggling cause i know
in the past that's never worked

i'll keep writing a million stories
cause i know they make me smile
but i can't stop wishing they brought me closer
to someone, something warm

blue violets
a garden of wonders
of questions
of thorns,
of beautiful smiles

a garden at night
an unshakable truth
but how many sides
how many ways does the light flow

oh pretty waves
take my very essence away
i know you can't
though you'll see i changed sometimes i just
go back

but the real question is
who are you when you're weaker

no pillars to help you stand,
no pain to act as a bridge
a parallel path

when you're most translucent,
pure water
but you still feel your knees

when the fire is blue and red and your voice is dead
when there's only yourself but you're everything but
it's so empty

who are you then
that's where you are

but before
there was quiet

perdí algo en el camino
sé que mi destino es entregar lo que tengo,
mostrar afuera lo de adentro

pero aún me hago tantas preguntas
que está bien, a veces, volver

antes había silencio
cosas azules
no sé cuándo fue
que algunas de ellas
empezaron a abrumarme
(casi una paradoja),
pero de todos modos
allí estaba el mar

lo de ahora ya no me hace mal,
but i think i could go back
integrar

ya pude discernir,
ahora me toca unir.

maybe there are only waves
and i should, like that old lyric said
drown carefully

sand is softer now
but still
there's shadows
but maybe it's only eternity
painting its trace

sunshine's more pure now but i still get burned
dawns are sunsets
nights go by
quietly
maybe every morning
a piece of me transforms
maybe everything resonates,
maybe nothing unfolds

maybe there's only everything,
only waves and i should
dream on

before i start, before i begin
waves again and the sky is grey
it turns red as i look
i found out too late
where i grew and where i lost
i'm a spinning mess but at least i know what's next

i've been careful without being still
i met you without asking questions
i put myself first, it didn't feel like sacrifice
i don't care if you noticed

before i get up
some reassurance i don't have
i hope this magic doesn't wear out

i grew tired and medicated but i needn't say a word
i still see the dawn
red but that's just
cause it's too early

try not to think how long it'll last

hope this magic don't wear out
so much comes from me when i know nothing comes from me

it's my body and my routine
that still aches and struggles to live

if you look closely you can see the birds
welcoming the sun

i'm breathless but my eyes are open
my hands are shaking but my heart is open

still something says, don't let me be wrong
but i want to correct it,
please let me be strong

nothing's clear, nothing's light
but aren't we all
just walking by

(and how do you know if there's dark)

it's not even about balance,
it's about trust
what would you think made the sky red
what made it blue
aren't we made of the same colours
and warmth and heavy rain

[also as a bonus to the previous post... this was from december/january]

[these kind of unintentionally form a series so....]





I [8/6/2019]

today
in the midst of floating bokeh
where the rain meets a thousand hearts and smiles
i thought about away, in many ways
a little sense of small in the middle of it all

it gets a bit mixed up,
what i'm trying to say
today was full of roses
because i believe
the garden calls

a sense of expansion, too
which seems the right opposite of the events
but i can only be here if i listen
if i let the flowers grow

a reminder, i am careful
although i don't have to,
i can promise you that
being new is as important as staying true,
or should i say
being new is being true is being you

today
where autumn and spring are one and the same
i simply stayed
hid a bit among pretty flowers
and said 'okay'.






II [21/4/2019]

didn't miss you today
but i don't remember you
how can you keep it all in your arms
i've been closing my eyes too much
i can make half of me stay focused
i can store things away
how do you keep i tall
i've been forgetting you
until later

heard your voice today
made me wish this was our every morning
and then over coffee i
thought about all the things
i've been thinking about
counting breaths, counting flowers
said i'll see you later
definitely
smiled for a second and then i had to go

how do you talk about it all
do you keep some things
only for me?
i still think about it, in the distance
you, the only cozy pace
our own little world with everything from outside

how do you hold it all together
while i'm here just
thinking about thinking
about when it is too much





III [today]

my heart drowns
is the fire lonelier?
i don't feel cold but i don't feel anything
if i could just melt or dissolve

your scent somehow-
i think of your voice
and everything that's pretty
i remember all the flowers
how they bloomed all at the same time
and then, i left

but you were waiting

does jupiter bring clarity
i am everything but i feel nothing
this ocean goes on forever
if only i could drift and dissolve

but the fire is still hopeful
as sparks ascend to the sky
somehow your scent, and the stars
a different kind of flowers and your eyes

and so i'm waiting
trying not to wait
only watching the waves
a small cosmos, and your name

[30/8/2019]

build a bridge with new wood
next to a cozy fire

if i belong to the ocean
why do these waves seem so foreign

por qué reducir todo a sí
o no
reducir así
cada paso a escaleras
a barrancas

subir la estufa, calentar el café
siete mañanas preciosas
me esperan en algún lugar

(por qué un idioma o el otro
cuántas letras
si hay un ritmo)

por qué pensar tan adelante
chocarme, frenar de golpe
si todavía no salí
tantos pájaros y flores
veredas que pisar

por qué recubrir todo
"los recuerdos son así"
unen los puntos
forman la red

quizás

por qué mirar por sobre el hombro
solo se trataba
de no cerrar los ojos

por qué cantar sobre adioses
nada contradice tu voz
la luz del sol

sad sad sad sad
lonely for no reason
failed to put on a ribbon like a present
but i do treasure what needs to
how would the sunshine feel
oh someone told me
a reminder that i cant
but i want to treasure what i love
im all love, i know
do they know

another day
wake up get up enjoy
the little things
theyre not small sometimes and
i want to treasure what fills me
all love