estoy acá otra vez
parada en el escalón
las paredes son oscuras y frías, la luz también, mi sombra también, yo también
la sustancia gira sobre sí misma,
casi como un remolino muy lento
o (como) arrellanándose infinitamente
en mi centro
estoy ahí otra vez.
el aire más allá del escalón es distinto del de acá.
estoy en el borde
no me muevo

cierro los ojos y estoy afuera, corriendo bajo la lluvia con un niño en brazos
en algún paisaje lindo

después soy yo y estoy en mi casa con los brazos sobre la mesa y la cabeza sobre uno de ellos
quedándome dormida

siento un dolor sin límites, está en el aire y en el agua
y es indescriptible
y sabe acomodarse en todos lados
si no me apresuro a defenderme

cuando uno se hace fuerte el dolor se perfila y (eso) es mejor
pero verlo de frente a veces te obliga a usar todas tus fuerzas

todavía
se enreda con todo
aunque lo veo
sigo ahí
me vuelvo transparente y sólo queda la sustancia

no tengo identidad
soy un cuerpo en el escalón

no es que mi vida no sea más que el trabajo y quejarme de los finales es que si no el diálogo sería "y qué es de tu vida" "nada acá llorando del dolor de espalda y porque jack kerouac tendría que haber vivido más que 47 años"

my mood changes so quickly because I have dreams and I have hope and I also have memories, all kinds of dreams and memories------ and I have music and sometimes I even have faith
doors open but they close again
i make plans and i keep moving because it's the only thing i know, move on, move on------- sometimes i feel lifted by something, i see the beauty while i walk in the street, i see the beauty in someone's skin
and sometimes i get locked up in a place that is too familiar but it also changed
i once said there's no confort in the dark and yes --- that's how that place is now
i keep writing to no one, i keep asking where everyone that inspires me is, i keep trying to inspire someone------ i try not to get lost in how fake everything is, i try to see the good side
and i can see the beauty in the city
but i can also see the dark
and i can see the beauty in their skin and sometimes in their words
but i can't see deep into their eyes
i recognise all that i've seen a million times
sometimes i feel like i know everyone

[cody rocko]

III
[13/11/2014]

esas noches empiezan a ser hundidas
todavía no pero ya no me expando

(¿qué noches son azules?)


IV
[24/11/2014]

I don't enjoy the game anymore
just be genuine


V
[25/11/2014]

Las cosas más pequeñas me devoran
ya volví a ser el centro de la nada
más que su comida
Me retuerzo toda y todos mis miembros se enredan
Me muerdo tanto la lengua
Tanto tanto
Y el impacto blanco es gigante aunque no se extienda en el tiempo

(Trato de pensar
en mis huellas digitales como canales hechos naturalmente en la arena
el mar pasando entremedio
por arriba
y los canales no se borran
pienso en el sonido del mar

pienso en todo lo que roza mi piel ahora
y en lo difícil que es entender otras pieles
y en lo fácil que es, también

recuerdo cuando me hundía en la arena húmeda
y no esperaba a nadie
también recuerdo cuando esperaba)


VI
[27/11/2014]

cuando me despierto tengo los ojos llenos de nada
tengo los pulmones llenos de nada

[4/11/2014]

I

Hay cosas que ya no sé decir
porque no son verdad
y cuando estoy mal no conozco nada


II

la tierra entre los dedos de los pies y el pelo atado así nomás y el café y las tazas sin lavar
las marcas de la silla en la espalda o todo el cuerpo acurrucado en el sillón
No es mentira pero tampoco es verdad
Porque yo no puedo ser nada

Aprendí a hablar en el idioma de las cosas que se estiran
y son grises

Me digo que a veces está bien no arriesgarse mientras me hundo en la no profundidad

aprendí a escuchar demasiado, a ignorar demasiado


I feel the distance when I'm alone,
I feel the distance when I'm making love


Quizás, como dice Murakami en su libro
hay cosas que son intrínsecas
y lo que aprenda solo pueda cubrirlas

cuaderno #21 (aparentemente no hice post del 20, chequearé después)

-

[02 12 12]

blue, blue, blue

isn't it the colour of depth
and of me being washed away
by the rain

aren't its different shades
the way i change but stay the same
the waves that break but form again

-

[28 01 13]

Con el corazón bien alto,
con las lágrimas bien altas

Apretando los dedos de los pies para sentir que me agarro a la tierra

No me extraño ni a mí misma

-

[26 03 13]

i don't even have questions
except maybe why am i still breathing,
because i'm not breathing

-

[23 06 13]

siento que
a) vivo mintiéndole a todo el mundo
b) nadie entiende la verdad de lo que digo

-

[11 08 13]

siento tantas cosas que me voy a romper
el aire no me entra
no me alcanza
no tenemos tiempo

quiero hacer todo, y lo contrario

-

[30 10 13]

y ni siquiera
mis huesos son de tiza

qué desastre, ¿no?

tengo todo tirado por ahí
mis huesos, quiero decir
mis pilares

it's gone so go

[28 sep + 3 oct]

well thank you
for tearing it
for opening the curtains, I guess
even though it made you fall apart
black
(-ness)
in my room

--

here's an idea:
I'm tired of knowing everything

here's an idea, I'm afraid that I may have chosen you
because I knew

here's an idea:
what do I gain with understanding
well I hope it makes us better

--

and nature
nature has unveiled its many veils
once again

why do we lose balance
as much as we try to deny it
as much as we also believe
in the opposite

we can't make it simple

--

here's an idea, I'm just tired of
how it is never simple

--

but nature
is imposing herself right now,
it is gleaming

fluorescent colors that almost laugh

and you- dark
and me- a different shade

from a corner
something asked me why
something I'd written on the walls, subtly though
what is it you feel
and why

the things I say (that) don't matter as defining lines
were now density in the air
subtle thread, around

it's the combination
of the empty spaces,
the spaces contained between the threads
the limits
oh the limits, again

oh how we are divided
in pieces
oh how you fell apart
and I am still alone

--

here's an idea: I am still
alone in this

--

well the thing is
I lied to myself and I bought my own lie

and you, without a clue, you think I always tell the truth

I'm not what you picture(d),
every layer shows

and do I see yours

well aren't we artists all,
how much of it is my choice

(I hoped you'd distract me
from the static, the soft noise
which, anyway
is my home)

well I'll design you again
far
but maybe joined to a part of me
by a thread.

maybe the spaces will continue to change.

lunes, 9 de septiembre de 2013

[29 06 2013]

ya no hay castillos
y ahora pienso en la gente que los ve y no los ve
y en los que pienso que los verán pero no
ni se acuerdan

pero yo sí tengo castillos y vivo en ellos y duermo en ellos
en rincones y en salones reales
en habitaciones pequeñas y en otras grandes
con chimeneas y mantas

no te quiero, invierno

veo todo desde mis ventanas
todo
pero volar
eso sí sería terrible

la estrellas florecen desde la tierra
y al revés

hay una verdad
algo
de lo que estoy segura

pero no puedo vivir en eso

no entiendo

sos todo lo que quiero, pero bueno, no se puede tener todo lo que uno quiere, no?

but what is the problem?
the problem's not it,
but not doing anything with it,
not drawing anything from it, not shaping it into something

it just stays there and lurks
and says, goodbye, goodbye
leave yourself




I'm erasing every story I ever wrote
I'm erasing myself because I think I don't exist

[07/04/2013]

So young, so different
Circumstantial maybe
I want you again
More

quiero saber todo de vos
si al menos lloviera
pero no, no.

why is it so hard for my subconscious- or whatever
to understand that i'm fine
i'm fine

she swallowed the stars
she felt them explode inside her

she was all night,
she had a secret she'd never tell

but you know from the million pieces
of many things destroyed
something new can form
something new and uncontrolled

she had the stars inside her,
but she turned against her own
heart

and when the tide came once and twice and thrice
she thought it would wash away what she could no longer hide
but it was gone, and gone, and gone
and still she was there and she didn't see the stars

and then she started to ask why
she built a desert around her and she said she wouldn't cry
and she did not
but still in the dry ground something was starting to grow

she was about to find out
how many pieces she had
she'd be reminded
that they were there from the start

and then came the stars
they filled her lungs and wrists
so she turned against her own
heart

the questions she had buried
were starting to come back
why am i a cage
or why do i want to fly

and when the stars shine bright she asks who they're fighting for
but the answers are only echoes
me, me, you, you,
right, right, wrong, wrong

and the sounds hit walls she didn't build
and the sand is colder than it seems
but it's not

and the tide comes and the tide goes
and the stars change the light in the waves
every second a different shade

so she tried ignoring her own
heart,
but the tide kept coming back
so she tried to listen but only more questions came out
from every corner, every spot

so she thought,
am i all of this that
echoes
she said maybe everything
has to end how it began

she was all night, she had
some secrets she'd never tell
and though she was shaking she said
let them come.