tal vez esperó a que todos los autos aceleraran para cruzar la calle. o tal vez corrió hasta el borde y después no pudo detenerse. o tal vez se olvidó de que no sabía nadar, y saltó al fondo cuando no había nadie cerca.

tal vez el mundo se movía sólo si ella lo hacía.
tal vez, mientras ella dormía, las cosas volvían a su lugar o se acomodaban de acuerdo a lo necesario.

tal vez ella hizo que las palabras salieran de sus bocas y de sus manos.
tal vez, cada vez que ella pestañeaba, alguien abría los ojos.

tal vez ella era el sueño de alguien, o miles de sueños como los que ella no tenía.

tal vez no había luces, ni trenes, ni aire.
tal vez mientras caminaba, las cosas se deshacían.
las nubes se deshilachaban,
los árboles se desenredaban.

tal vez ella ya estaba en casa, y no podía detenerse.

tal vez no había memoria, ni estrategias.
y ella se desarmaba cada vez, sin aire y sin piezas.
tal vez las cosas que rompía eran otras.
y ella estaba ahí, nunca y siempre y sin aire.

actos de rebeldía que después no apruebo.

lo siento en cada parte de mi cuerpo,
siento cada parte.

quiero que no importe quién ni por qué.

"take a closer look".

[19 01 09]

mi vida es aprender a dejar de ser yo.

los límites no son claros. no existen en realidad.
a veces no puedo distinguir entre dejar de cegarme y dejar de salvarme.
entre tratar de entender y obsesionarme con cosas que es mejor olvidar.
entre amarme y odiarme.
entre amarlos y odiarlos.

y entre ser sincera y libre, y estar equivocada.

hasta ahora los mejores resultados los obtuve ocultándome.

necesito decir algo que no me haga sentir la persona más estúpida del mundo.
necesito decir algo que me haga sentir que cambié, pero que puedo serme fiel a mí misma.


"alejarte de ti y luego extrañarte, es todo lo que haces".

-

and i never want to let you down;
forgive me if i slip away,
sometimes it's hard to find the ground.
'cause i keep on falling as i try to get away
from this crazy world.

maybe you should make a list for me
of everything important in this world
in a note of urgency
'cause i don't know how to feel,

i threw everything out that doesn't make sense
to find a thousand more things that don't make sense,
and i can't help but get lost in a fault like this
when i don't know how to hide myself in open air
where i'm all alone, alone, alone.



careful now, you'll hurt yourself;
careful now, you'll hurt, you'll hurt someone...



it never stops and i don't really want to get there,
i get lost in the ride.
then realize i miss home,
but it's not here, anywhere
so better get lost in the ride,
telling myself i'm leaving something behind
to find something new,
when i'm really just repeating everything i've done
over and over again.









careful now, you'll hurt yourself;
careful now, you'll hurt, you'll hurt someone else.

it's the other way around. they NEVER told me what i wanted to hear.

it's been a while.

tu ventana está empañada de sueños
y la mía está sellada con pesadillas.

tal vez si cerramos los ojos
sea más fácil encontrar el resto.

so, should i stay? should i tremble and remain?
or run away, leaving nothing else to say?

and i know why it was so hard to see me.
i wonder if by now i can trust my eyes.

qué estoy haciendo?
y por qué me pregunto qué estoy haciendo?

i am the one who's wrong.


qué bipolar, histérica y extremista que me pone el alcohol. no me importa nada y estoy eufórica (bueno, para ser yo). después me doy cuenta de todo y quiero morirme. después me doy cuenta de todo y estoy bien. y después empiezo a notar el dolor en cada parte de mi cuerpo, me siento enferma y todo lo que quiero es abrazar a mi almohada y que nadie me pregunte dónde estoy.




edit: por suerte a veces hay cosas hasta mejores que una almohada para abrazar, y que hacen que de vez en cuando no me despierte muerta de miedo (?), y que actually me quiera levantar.

i never told you, but it's all in your goodbyes. ♥

i need something.
something something something.

i play with the words y las paso entre mis manos.

i need something.
something to play with.
tension in a different way.
"feeling free, feeling free".
y con todo el poder.

more stories.
more fairytales.

i eat the words and then spit them out to make another combination.

or forgetting about myself.
so i can come back and be more.

something something something.

(the songs pouring in my head.
i twist them, they blur my thoughts.
something something else.)

like i said
(a song fills my mind),
nothing is enough.

i need something.
(a song fills my mind.
sing me a song i don't know.
a song i haven't heard before.)

break my bones and make me forget about everything else.
something something something
else.

i need tension in a different way.
like when you know where you're going and where you can't go.

something something something.

we're hiding in the shadows, she said.
come out, come out.
i've got a story to tell you.

no sé para qué, si no les importa.

"is there anything else you can give me?
because i've never been here.
and now that i look into your eyes,
you don't see the difference."


i build and build and reaching up
my arms cannot reach anything.

give me something, anything
why is it bleak and barren,


don't i deserve the world after building building building?

it's getting louder in my mind.
i can see your lips moving but you're so far away,
so far away.
i've learnt to block you off and out.
i am not here.
you can't see me.

don't scream at me,
don't scream.
there's already something taking over in my head.
there's nothing you can do,
for yourself or for me.
don't scream.

spinning.
the world spins and i'm only standing here,
somewhere, anywhere,
quiet and motionless.
the world is spinning and my open arms can't touch
can't touch anything.


tomorrow i'll fly.
asphyxiate and fly.









somewhere,
anywhere,
nowhere.

down the stairs to the door.
erasing what i had written on the walls
and telling the story all over again.

talk to me, they talk to me.
if you can't see through my eyes then you can't stay to watch.

all the doors are closed.
see through, see through.
i'm not searching. i'm not even tired.
i see my shadow run across the room
then come back.
go and then come back.

i'm standing here,
nowhere. don't scream.

quiet. they're searching,
and i'm not even tired.

fall to the floor.
my shadow is running.
restless.
but i'm
about to
sink through.

terminé mi cuaderno número 10.


[28 08 08]

escribir canciones,
escucharlas camino a casa,

smux remembers johnny and cat,
and all the boys who came then went away
smux remembers every move, every note
every word
coming from their lips as liquid fire
every sound, every breath
every bed and every car.
we could be on the ride again.
he's going to run with his eyes closed
until he finds home again
and gets lost like everytime they were together.




[15 10 08]

no puedo dejar de pensar en vos, en mí, y en todo lo que está mal.
ayer dije: "...but i can't stop the love, the hate and the shame."
i love you.
i hate us.
i'm ashamed of almost everything i am.
and i love the other part.
but i always hide what i love,
so would you come and find it?

(tantas historias que casi nunca fueron casi nada.
tantos años, a veces es como si nunca hubieran pasado.
y a veces parecen ser toda mi vida.)




[22 10 08]

abrazar algo, todo esto,
lo que sólo yo puedo ver y tener,

y morir mañana antes de despertar.




[12 12 08 ~]

tu voz está tan lejos, y yo estoy tan cerca de lo que nunca tendré.
i need a punch in the face and a tear in my eye.
no puedo dejarlo escapar como ellos me dejaron morir.
i'm just waiting for the call, for another sunday morning
that brings me back to anything that stabs me in the heart.




[18 12 08]

just feeling warm,
light and with a clear view
protected,
and with no much need.

i'm coming back again,
i'm screaming i'm fine and then i'm not
but i'm coming back again,
i breath slowly sometimes and close my eyes
and everything is here
with me,


and then
the usual change of perspective,
everything's too overwhelming
i'm going down again,
then calming down

but it's still breaking me,
i'm coming back again
to what i've always been

everything's a mess in my head,
the good is bad and the bad is good
and everything just breaks me,


i need to remember
that this is what keeps me alive.

[hours later]

"i'm busy finding myself. please leave a note."

[hours later]

me dan miedo los instantes porque dentro mío
todo dura más de lo que puedo soportar.
tengo miedo de jugar al teléfono descompuesto conmigo misma (?),

al final
como en todo
tengo miedo de equivocarme.




[15 01 09]

i do fall in love, but only if it's completely impossible.




[17 01 09]

you've built your walls and i've built mine,
so how about we break them and fight on the same side?




-
side note: el tiempo lo cura todo, pensé, menos la verdad.

some of you know me better than the ones who are supposed to-

there's no telling what we'll do for ourselves,
forget about the rest.

this isn't what i had in mind,
i can't forget the feeling;
things are not always what they seem,
this place confuses me.





i need space.




love me and fear me,
do as i say
and i will be your slave.

inside the house is probably colder than outside,

we're staring at each other
through the window.

"just enough so you can't die,
just enough so you can't dieee."

we got together to play one last time, like big old bands do.

maybe you should leave this town, said one of the boys to me.

but i can't. ry is here.
and he won't leave with me even if i'm suffocating every night in my sleep.

this is where my heart is, longs to be
hurting you, needing you.
this is where i always want to be,
suffering.


menos mal que otro lo dijo antes que yo. (?)

buscas para, apenas ausente, sentir contigo el camino.