i'm going to destroy myself
to show you that i want to be alive.

[14 04 12]

—No me había dado cuenta —le dijo Nox al abismo— de que siempre que vengo es de noche.
Estaba sentada en el borde. Tenía puesto un vestido que le dejaba la espalda desnuda, salvo por la cinta que, entrelazándose, lo ataba. Las cicatrices casi brillaban con la luz de la luna.
—A algunas no puedo tocarlas.

todas las cosas que quiero y no hago porque son imposibles en lo inmediato

algo se desdobla
hay algún tipo de cortocircuito que me divide en
(por lo menos)
dos partes
todo se abre más
no puedo estar tan separada
no puedo lidiar con tantos mundos
diferentes

es eso, sí
lo que uno busca en esas situaciones
es que ninguna parte esté en ningún lado
porque ya no había centro
ya estábamos perdidos
desde antes
parece que cuando volamos o algo así
la visión difusa hace que creamos
que todo está junto
que las cosas encajan, que coexisten
que tienen sentido

no sé por qué yo no puedo poner ciertas cosas
en el mismo lugar que otras
tampoco sé qué ni por qué
crea ese corte, ese golpe
que conecta cosas de distintos planos
cosas que quizás
yo no sabía que existían
por ser de distintos planos

creo que destierro las cosas pero no las elimino
mis decisiones solo son tales hasta cierto punto
y después
me encuentro teniendo que explicar cuestiones
que no entiendo
quién me explica a mí, eh
y veo las conexiones intrincadas y casi imposibles
si de casualidad las veo
qué palabras les voy a poner
si no tienen sentido

lo peor no es traicionarme
en el sentido de que vean lo que siento
lo peor es traicionarme
engañándome, diciéndome que no hay problema
mientras siento el golpe
dejándome en blanco
dejándonos desconcertados
a todos

lo único que conecta todo esto
son mis venas
pero incluso de mis latidos
no se deduce nada
lo único que conecta esto
es el querer salir
pero mientras tanto yo intento
quedarme
e integrarme

es como si uno realmente no pudiera olvidar las cosas
quizás sea cierto, no?
pero esto de la reelaboración-
digo, por qué mundos tiene que pasar
antes de considerar que agotó sus recursos
para atacarme?

qué se deriva de qué
me dijeron que no tengo que declararle la guerra
a nada
que no decida hacer ni no hacer

cuál será
la importancia de los pequeños desfasajes
abismos para mí
cuál será la dimensión (!)
que se ve

por eso no tengo que preguntar
porque no lo voy a saber
a menos que haga un escándalo
debería hacer menos evaluaciones
aunque no sé si eso implica caer al abismo o no
para hablar con metáforas tontas
no sé si el vértigo-
(eso no es una metáfora)
no sé hasta dónde va a llegar

es gracioso cómo
nos preguntamos sobre las preguntas
y sobre las evaluaciones que se pueden hacer
de nuestras evaluaciones
las teorías sobre las teorías
y sus valores
es gracioso cómo sigo dando vueltas
queriendo frenarme

lo que buscamos
es tapar el vértigo con vértigo
así, después
decimos que el final es nuestro

siento que me rearmo según las circunstancias
hay partes mías que se guardan en algún depósito
como esas cosas que se encastran y se sacan
siento que hay partes de mí que tiemblan
que hay imanes que de repente
se repelen y ahí
es cuando me siento ajena
me falta percepción
o me sobra
no sé
pero digo
habrá una combinación perfecta
o al menos una coherente
una que no me desordene tanto
que no desordene tanto al resto
uno va construyéndose a sí mismo pero
para usar metáforas tontas
no elige las piezas
y me parece que son más fuertes
las que más trato de destruir

y, de paso, estoy forzada a saber
a contemplar los espacios vacíos y los bordes gastados
los límites que no se pudieron borrar
a querer describir, contar lo que pasa
y a no poder traerlo
darle forma, hacerlo tangible
se me impone, con toda claridad
en un código que solo entiendo yo

quisiera decirles que no lo intenten,
que nadie lo necesita
que no me pregunten y que no hagan deducciones
que todo sería falso

si las diferencias no fueran diferencias
quizás tendría algo
una sustancia
si pudiera destilar mi esencia estoy segura
de que esto no estaría ahí

hay demasiado, hay demasiado
y casi todo es falso
casi todo son residuos
ecos
catástrofes que se originan
en su fin y en el mío
y resuenan en mí
y en mis ecos

Sun, make canvas of coastlines, so I know where I stand.

estaba pensando algo súper intrincado y místico para responderte, y de repente me di cuenta de que no me hablabas a mí. te lo quería contar porque me causó gracia, nada más.

stop

edit: había copiado cualquier cosa en lo del 13/11. ya lo arreglé ~


[cuaderno 16 + notas]

-

[?]

it was never me
i was never me

fill the hole left in my soul
when you took it away

i want someone new
only because i miss you

-

[?]

you lie when you say you don't lie
and i was lying when i said i'd lied

-

[?]
cada tanto
sos un corte
en el pecho
el ardor
de cuando algo roza la piel
cada tanto
pero sólo
cada tanto

-

[13 11 11]

i am not who i want to be
but who would i want to be if i wasn't who i am?

-

[23 11 11]

the night is strangling me

i try and get nothing
i don't blame you, i blame my veins
does this poison run through yours too
if you think about it for a second?

what is the night doing to you?

-

[24 11 11]

oh remember when i used to get lost in the forest
remember when i was sunlight and shade
and the night at the same time

you're from another world and that's why i like you
but i also know that once you built a little house near mine
without either of us noticing

i can't define what it is about you-

i wish i could see you today
make the stars brighter

-

[6/7? 12 11]

i try to create something small

i have to forget the things that i've done but mostly
i have to forget what i hate about what i've done

change your mind
waste my time

-

[6/7? 12 11]

i haven't been able to say a word in what feels like years
my teeth are ice and my tears are blood
but i won't let them show
i don't mean anything by the word 'okay'
most of my days are grey so where are your eyes
i never waited for you but i always did
i want to know more about the world and less about me
i don't mean anything by the word 'maybe'
except that i'm not there

-

[13 12 11]

how comforting is it to say "i don't want to"
how comforting is it to say "i'm lying"
you can scream but they won't feel your lungs

there was a time when i wondered what their blood tasted like
now i only want to see us all drained
can we all be empty

every word i say is another knife
every thing i do is another fire

can we all be cold deserts
ice
white

where is the beauty of the night
i've asked before but you never replied

i can hear you but i can't feel your hands
your heart

-

[21 12 11]

las cosas no significan

más que la necesidad de que las noten

-

[28 01 12]

i died again today
i smothered me before i could learn how to breathe

i am going to wake you up even if that means that you'll hate me

i died again today but i smiled when i hit the ground

i can count my steps

so many things at once

i am dancing
with myself
i'm asleep
when i'm awake

i'll wake me up even if that mean that you'll hate me

"i'm not being myself
so i can remember who i am"

but oh how the day went by
fast and heavy on my shoulders
and how their voices pierced right through my stomach

i died again today
and i think that for a second
i came back

edit: no hay manera de que ponga canciones, nunca andan por mucho tiempo :(

—Las cicatrices nunca se van, ¿verdad?
—Van y vienen, creo yo.

happiness exists when you don't know a thing
so i hope you don't think this song is about you

so what would he do
i know he was like me before Sky
but with a bit more clarity
or less
but being somewhere else strangely made him more capable
of dealing with was going on here
So what would he have done
oh but he's also a martyr
or just a self-destructive kid
he would have said "i'm sorry,
sorry i have to leave"
he would say goodbye to both of them and then feel like
there was nothing left in him
"my veins should be empty,
my heart should be empty because that is how i feel"

and how you'd wish that your life was a movie
or one of the books you always promised yourself you would read
how you'd love your life to have the magic
that your songs had
how you wished they'd known
you wrote those words for them

some secrets are not kept by choice
some people don't care about the truth
or what's beneath the surface
you never lied, it's just they never asked
well i feel the same way now
(i guess that is what you are, mostly
i found you again)

we are candles
we are the perfect home
but broken
we are bruises and firelight
i guess you had the stars and i only have the scars
but we are
the lies
we didn't want to say
we are autumn clouds floating away

okay so
what should we do
what would you do
stay a little bit farther
but say more, i know you would
but you have a way with words
i can only hope to find at night
when i'm alone
or when you're near

i need to be free
you had nothing but you had freedom
you fly
i don't think you see that but you fly

i will be water one day,
i will be water
and we will meet in the rain

[november]

they said,
let the old be old and let the new break through

they said,
let what's gone be gone and remember the good

it's there, i know it's there

i want to say thank you but not with words

i want to be more than words
i want to be a voice
that makes it rain when it sings
i want to sing truth
and know what truth means

i want to find you and i want to find me
i want to say thank you but not with words

i want you to see this
and i want you to see more

i don't need to understand i just need to forget

tantas cosas salen mal tantas veces que empiezo a creer en el destino

[ vitre0us ]

i never understood how someone could love me
but now that i gave you everything why did you choose to leave

why do i want to 'save' everyone
who do i think i am

[25 09 11, 02.02 am]

i need to say something
i need the magic that's in the air when i'm alone
to sing something to me
particles of dust
reflect a million colours of light
the voices of the ones who always touch my heart
beat softly

i don't care what you say i don't care if you understand
the words i use or the roads i choose
but what am i to do with this
i mean where are you

there's a sky in which we drew
patterns and stories that night
and the days that followed
there are lines that gleam
when we mention their names
and the sound
of your words and my
cautious smile
i believed, oh i
couldn't stop my imagination
from building us a home
small and quiet
i could not stop myself from
framing a piece of the sky and
hanging it on the wall

and now when you knock on my door
i don't know where i'm from
i don't know where i have been
or what i'm here for

maybe saying more
would be saying less
but you know that i never forget
i just turn some things into words
which you can't understand
and when you're silent
and i don't say a thing
where are you
where have you been

so "do you remember me?"
or was it just another day
full of stories and i'm
just another stranger
that happened to come your way
so what did you write about me
on your book of forgettable thoughts
was there actually something there
or was i just another ghost

but i am still here,
but i forgot where i belong
and you are still there
but i don't know where you're from

well okay
i mean does fate exist
because sometimes i believe
that my home is the sea
or nowhere at all
but well, okay
i guess you can have a choice
i guess you can have it all
because i don't know how to feel

i am lost, are you not-
well maybe you don't
listen to yourself
or maybe i just like to see you that way
oh i thought i would stay

the night starts to get darker now,
its needles hurt my eyes
my lips are dry and somehow
the magic starts to die
there's something in the stars,
there's something in the sky
something that never leaves
an echo of your voice
and your eyes
and the songs of the ones who save me
the ones who won't let me die
there is something in you, too
a veil when you look at me
that changes when you sleep
a veil of diamonds covered in dust

the night starts to shout
and why aren't you here, why aren't you here now
oh i know how this sounds
i'll never say it out loud
you already know that i miss you
i don't care if you miss me too

but what to do, what to do
oh am i saying too much
why can't i just be like the clouds,
why can't i fall like rain
to the ground
and lie there and not make a sound
the only reason to live
is to find the sea
to be one, to be more than me
but am i saying too much
what matters is where do i go
when i don't know
what you see
when i can't be
when i can't grow
when i try so hard not to feel
a thing
and they sing, they sing
and are you far or are you near
i start shaking inside, i
can't feel nothing but the ice
that cuts through my veins
i shake
if you could feel my heart, if you could feel my lungs
and how they shudder
i bet you'd be surprised
to see that you matter

there's a sky
mine- only mine this time
i drew lines that are beginning to fade
there is a window i can't open anymore
there is lightning and a storm
i guess this is my home
now
and i hope that some day
wherever you go when your sky fades
you can see something of me
i hope that the stars show you the way
when you walk by the sea.