¿sé demasiado?

todo lo que digo, todo lo que escribo es tan superficial.

20 names to songs i'll never write:

01. what happened

02. my lies are all i have
03. alone, scared and gone
04. lie and love

05. the bitter taste of the best moments
06. they see nowhere
07. the imprint
08. asphyxiate and fly
09. i'm not like you but i like you
10. and so it carried me away

11. if it's not you, this can't be us
12. all of a sudden, all of me

13. swallow the bullet

14. rollercoaster (do you remember me?)

15. you're all so weak and blurry
16. out of all the things i love, you are my favorite
17. big mistakes in small places
18. maybe forever
19. let it out (i just want to see your eyes when you look at what i've done)

20. i won't need you if you're not here but i'll be there if you need me

headphones on, volume up
still my favorite songs and dreams seem so far away.

a terrible love song, you sang it so sweet.


it happened so fast i can't even remember the feeling.

sweaty and sleepy,
like every other time.
i don't know what it was,

i can see right through your eyes,
inside and outside

and now that we are the same,
everything's got to change.


"i'm sorry i'm not what you need,
i'm sorry i'm not what i need to be".

somewhere between the lines
of the letters we wrote
and too much talking on the phone
somewhere between the times i run into you
and "i don't believe in coincidences",
we got caught up
and i locked every door.

"never", like the coldest wind.
like the haunting nightmare.

we fear to be free.

"never", but was it a lie?
things are not what you expect them to be.

the smoke, the lights off
we share something deeper tonight.

"i can never let you go".

but i don't even remember the feeling.
just one word.


right now i feel like i've gone two years back.
it's all here again.
if this is it then i don't want to grow up.
because right now i feel like the most important part
of everything i am
has left me.

the worst part is i need you more than anything.

i remember every word you said.
how i couldn't get you at all
but still wanted to know.
i remember trying to change you.
well look at us now,
i'd never thought we'd end up like this.


the scenery changes
all the time.
but we both need something to hold on to.

i never thought it'd break us apart,
but i never thought we'd depend on it
as something else than love.

the meaning changes
all the time.
i can see right through your eyes.
"more than anyone", you said.
more than anything in the world.

and yet there's so much more.

holding on to only a ghost.
my greatest possession is something that doesn't exist.

esto lo subí ya veinte veces a veinte lugares diferentes, pero creo que pocas veces me describí tan bien.



[29 06 06]

la sombra líquida se desliza por tus manos imitando el juego de los pájaros en el atardecer de aquel día cuando me dijiste que nunca más, que para siempre y te quedaste.

i believed i could be more than just a stupid kid pretending to be a whore that pretends to be nice. i ask you why is my reflection cutting my sky with its stare, i ask you why your reflection is cutting my sky when stars rain and waves of light are suffocating my only shadow,
my ghost is crawling in your skin,
i ask you, cant you see it?
can you please, please ignore it?
ignore me-

now you'll keep me twirling around your sea
you know i got a spyglass
you know i got my dreamship

you know i'd break my cristal sphere
if you could understand
that i dont want to break the music
it's not me that's killing all the words
you built so recklessly

but right now you know i wont fail
i burnt my eyes for you once
i found you lost in a palace of grey

it's just a name,
scream at me,
it's just a name...

ese día que me esmero en guardar porque no hay otro, porque de lo contrario no habría días, ay ese día me hiciste caer
en tu cueva
encadenada pero sin darme cuenta porque
nunca dijiste
cuando insinuaste
que era cierta
cada palabra que construiste tan torpemente, fácilmente, rápidamente,

tu sombra gris y líquida por mis venas y ese día

behind my eyes
your song

es más de lo mismo, más de lo mismo y por eso quiero conservarlo,
lo viejo, desgastado, renovado, brilla, brilla, brilla, fluye pero por qué
por qué tuve que

i know-
i know it's just a name
i'm just a name expecting to
be your name
be like your name
your shadow

silver eyes
tell me
where am i
in your cave
in your cage
on the stage

acting
acting like my name
your play
your shadow
falling like rain..

-


ah sí, y recién ahora me doy cuenta de que hoy es 29 del 06. já :D .

or maybe i should just shut up.

"let's get this over with", she said.
and so we did, and it felt better than any time before.
yet it was not love, there was something else...

more confusion to my dizzy head.
but with some strange feeling of satisfaction.

"now i'm the same as you".
nothing will change but everything is going to feel different.

"i'll create something,
i wish this night was all for me


you inspire me
as my words expire


this is my masterpiece


i'm gonna create something you can't break




is it friday already?
thank god i don't have a life
on the other side of this road

there isn't a door to close anymore"




except then i walked in and i couldn't be me,
the air was thick as it's always been.


i can't stay here waiting.
i need action.
i need only me surrounding me.
"leave me alone!"


[i'll bite my tongue because all i really want to do is bite yours]




i came in and it went out
of me like a scream
but you'd never hear 'cause you're too busy talking
about something i won't listen to either

but you won't notice
because you're too busy speaking


jumping around and wasting around
the sweat's gotta be your ink
the mess is gonna show
but after it's well hidden
till i gain control


you're a freak but you fit so well
years of training aren't for nothing
you're bored and anxious but you fit so well
speaking calmly as you stare




the best and the worst
the bitter and the cold
what you forgot
and "what's going on?"




i know you better than yourself because i know your worst part
the one you can't hide and you'll never see
'cause it's in everything you do
it's all inside you and all around you
and it blurs your eyes
when you try to define
who you are

and so we stand and so we stare
and so you turn your back
but i won't come and find you
i won't surprise you because that's what you expect

(my mouth is shut,
dry from screaming the truth
when no one can hear me
surrounded by walls
made of all my mistakes

and the windows i look through
are just the things i never had
and they're getting blurry too
when i try to decide
who i am)

we betrayed ourselves and there's something we can't deny
we don't want to find out that things could go wrong
even if we do it right, and so
we betrayed ourselves and everyone else
and so we stand and we walk
away
again
as it runs through our veins

"i know we share something
and it'll always come down to this".




boring
disappointing
overwhelming

ending. right here. again and forever.

[02 02 09]

maybe it's because i don't say it enough.

because i know that half of the times you won't understand.

but maybe i should take the chance.

because i'll never know how the other half feels.

i've always said empty is better than torn apart,
there's nothing to take away if there's nothing there.

but there's always something. we can't deny it.
i can say i saw it coming but it doesn't make it much more easy to deal with.

and maybe it's better the other way around,
so if they take something away i still have a lot.
or enough.

because now it's not enough.

maybe i think i'm giving everything, but i'm missing something.

i don't know.
someone explain myself to me.


-

i don't feel like i'm awake, but i'm not dreaming.

there's trust and there's love and there's laughter
confidence
and freedom
in here somewhere.

i don't say the words i used to
when they made it easy to fall to the ground
and made it hard to fall asleep.

i'm going to find them and let myself go
because i've already found the will
and i'm slowly gaining strenght.

and the parts i don't understand
and can't build or break
well i'm sure they're going to show
when i'm just myself again.

[24 05 09]

yes, i get it, thank you.
i may screw up a lot but it's all part of the process, right?

yet there are some things i can't deny.

"look at me,
look for me,
look after me."


flying free is good but sometimes i need direction.

i might be missing the point.




it all melts down too quickly.
perspective changes so fast, even if i feel i've seen everything so many times
in so many ways-
not enough.

"i can predict the next carcrash",

the dust settles.
i open my eyes so slowly.
sometimes i don't think i could ever wake up.

i know you can see it in my eyes.
but sometimes you'd just rather not look.

it's funny how it all comes and goes.
but they only see a part of it and so they stare
but don't bother to ask.

my eyes close so slowly
i sometimes don't think
i can ever truly sleep again.


enjoy the simple things.
i can't stop dreaming and hating.
i can't stop loving.

(going back to numb
is so tempting.
but i've decided
i can be better.)

it all happens so fast while i change so
so slowly.
sometimes i think i could never dream again.
but i think i've decided
that maybe
i could be better.


expectations kill.
some surprises bring you back to life.

some words are useless but
sometimes one word is all you need.


destroy me or take my hand.
but don't you dare walk away.


i wasn't lying, it's just that
sometimes i forget who i am.

feeling like i'm late again.
comparing myself to everybody else,
it really doesn't change a thing.

comparing myself to who i used to be,
well it reminds me
this ride is too slow
but i'm still here,
and i keep moving-

but sometimes i need direction.
sometimes i need to feel it in my skin.
in my hands.
the earth in my feet.

i hope you don't see it in my eyes
if you'd rather not ask
or stay to listen.

flying free is good but sometimes i need a home
and new places to explore
without being just a shadow
of what's so long gone.

-


i can't believe how much i've learnt and how much i still have to learn.
how many paths i've walked, all that's still waiting for me
and all the things i'll never see or feel.

closing doors until my lungs are filled with water.
your words are like knives to my heart.

but you know what they say...

my ghost will stab you in the back.

casi sin intentarlo, retrocedí una estación. menos mal.

"how much?"
lo mínimo, pero voy hasta el final - para volver otra vez.
las posibilidades de que me descubran son pocas, no?

"how much do you..."
las posibilidades de que me descubran...

i fell asleep on the ride.
the train stopped.
as i open my eyes it starts moving, so slow,
back home.

el boleto está escondido en mi abrigo,
tardo en encontrar las llaves aunque siempre estuvieron en el mismo lugar.
recuerdo al sentir el metal frío en mis manos.

at the end of the tunnel
there was a second of light
before i started moving back,

there was a silent smile
before i erased all the tracks;

everything i said is gone with the wind,
everything i've done is locked under the floor,

all that i've seen
is painted on these walls,

the stars on the ceiling
dance with me at night
and remind me of everything new.

i drown in ink as the sky keeps dripping down.
ready for the flood,
gone too soon.

"not that much really",
but the room looks brighter
and it's easier to see the scars.

a veces no entiendo dónde estoy.

bastante seguido necesito preguntarme y mirar cómo estuve este último tiempo, al menos desde la última vez que me paré a pensar.
no me gusta cambiar si no tengo el control. "quiero decidir, como me creo que vengo haciendo".
una cosa lleva a la otra, no? todo lo que no veo o someto a análisis me produce una sensación de inestabilidad en algunos casos insoportable. y empiezo al revés, a tratar de encajar las cosas en un camino que pueda entender, a un paso que pueda entender.
no me gusta olvidarme. hay tantas cosas que me gustaría recordar mejor. y cosas que me gustaría recordar de otra manera.
me gustaría sentirme fuerte.

pero cada vez que hace frío recuerdo el invierno. cada vez que recuerdo el invierno inevitablemente recorro toda mi vida, lo que me trajo hasta acá y lo que más o menos logré dejar. y después, y ahora, me doy cuenta de cosas a las que no siempre presto atención. pararme y mirar alrededor nunca deja de sorprenderme.
y cuando me meto la idea del invierno en la cabeza, de verdad tengo la necesidad de cubrirme y quedarme en casa.
en mi casa de allá, de antes, en realidad. pero no, yo ya superé todo eso y ahora no necesito encerrarme, verdad?

voy aprendiendo a andar más despacio. a decir menos. sólo aprendo a ignorar más cosas. soy más difícil de encontrar o de verdad me estoy dejando ir?

a veces me siento tan bien conmigo misma que me da miedo. después un síntoma de las cosas que me hicieron mal desde que recuerdo, y no necesito nada más. siempre estuve en el mismo lugar.
para qué me fui si iba a volver?
no sé si volví de la misma manera. el camino es el mismo hace años, pero tal vez una parte de mí-
a veces de verdad siento que puedo disolverme y después, al volver, el vértigo sólo dura un segundo.
a veces, cuando me distraigo, casi pienso que mi vida es un sueño del que puedo despertar cuando quiera. a veces veo mi historia como si no fuera mía. como si fuera un libro que puedo cerrar, y puedo elegir otro.
pero el invierno siempre me hace volver. los viajes. la falta de palabras. las palabras que no sirven. lo que hago, lo que no controlo, lo que controlo demasiado. sentirme cansada, sentir ganas de hacer algo que después me va a hacer sentir peor.

el invierno nunca fue silencio para mí. pero siempre necesité ese silencio.

hay tantas cosas nuevas que me hacen bien. hay cosas que no entiendo cómo llegaron y no entiendo por qué necesito saberlo. y también me voy desprendiendo de más cosas. a veces eso me hace sentir que no tengo nada a lo que pueda aferrarme. creo que estoy luchando constantemente contra lo que ya sé, que nada es seguro.

no tengo que saber quién soy exactamente. nadie sabe quién es. me gustaría no sentirme perdida cuando algo sale mal o de una forma inesperada, me gustaría tratar de entender pero sin obsesionarme con tener el control de todo. me gustaría no odiarme cuando me dejo llevar y resulta mal. me gustaría no odiarme por tratar de calcular cada paso. creo que entiendo que el mundo va más rápido que yo, y que hay momentos en los que tengo que tratar de encajar pero hay otros en los que es mejor irme.

encontrar cómo, cuándo, qué parte y en qué parte es difícil. cada vez es diferente, y uno tiende a reaccionar siempre igual naturalmente. construirse el difícil. más si uno siente que ya es tarde para muchas cosas.

no puedo soltarme del todo pero no puedo encerrarme y no mirar afuera.

es probable que nadie entienda cómo me siento a veces. por qué de repente me siento muy bien, casi eufórica, y de repente quiero cerrar todas las puertas y hundirme en las sábanas.
hay cosas que a muchos les pueden parecer pequeñas pero que realmente significan grandes cambios para mí. lograr cualquier cosa. descubrir que tantas cosas del "pasado" me siguen dominando. que me cuestionen. cuestionarme. hacer o conseguir algo que me guste. tener la aprobación de alguien.
la indiferencia no es lo mismo. sentirme inútil no es lo mismo.

me gustaría que el resto del mundo caminara conmigo alguna vez.
me gustaría sentirme fuerte.

don't believe in what you see,
i'm not here

i'm mist
dust from the clouds
flying through the sky and ready to drown

"how do you deal with it?"
i'm letting it stay
while i'm the one who's gone away

i don't feel heavy i don't feel sick
my bones aren't broken my muscles aren't too tight
i'm alright
i'm free
don't forget me

buried in sand i don't need air to breathe
go out look at the nightsky
drift into the waves
buried in water i don't need air to breathe
don't believe in what you see

i'm shattered,
i'm wind and leaves and sparkling white
i can't remember your voice
and how you used to steal mine
i don't know how to walk and the thirst is gone

still i feel shivers down my spine
don't forget me
when i get carried away
i don't know who i used to be

under the clouds
when i feel the earth in my feet sometimes
i don't believe in what i see
a blink, don't forget me
i'm not who i used to be

i can't really do this alone,
so just go.

you don't wanna see me fall,
so take me home.

love a little less, want a little less, need a little more.
play less but add a few more tricks.

frail behind the stained glass.
no song to be heard,
no story to be read
behind a million words.

"did you miss me?", she said, staring into the abyss.
standing on the edge.
i'd almost forgotten the scars on my feet.

the city is not that far.
i can hear the noise. the screaming.

maybe i need to make some of my own.
back home.




keep your eyes open.

[07? 04 09]

"subirme al tren del mundo". hoy.
pequeños pasos que me guíen.
nada ni nadie es lo mismo todo el tiempo,
pero ahí están.

cuando nos movemos arrastramos un mundo con nosotros.




ésta es la historia de cómo busco otra mejor para contar.

sábanas pesadas.
humo en el placard.
lo físico, lo químico,
lo verdadero y lo falso.

no quiero ser para hacer.
no quiero hacer para ver cómo se ve.

máscaras de terciopelo.
jugo de naranja con limón.

una vez que está allí,
sólo le pones otro nombre.

burbujas de cristal,
colchones de algodón.

predecible.
no quiero ser habiendo hecho lo mismo.

más, pero "allá".
sólo una muestra de lo que se diluye.

cuadros fugaces,
piedras cubiertas de espuma.
lo que se fue y lo que va a ser,
sólo una muestra,
lo volátil y lo corriente.

quiero ser para encontrar,
casi sin darme cuenta.
quiero robar y dejar.
mezclar y creer en lo nuevo.

verme sin nada más.