- 

journaling/reflecting

-

Why did I stop writing? I hate the creeping thought that it happens to everyone as they grow older. I don't care. Some people still write, and I'm a writer. I want to stay a writer.

In part, working in English so much no longer makes it my "poetry language," and I never journalled or wrote poetry in Spanish much. Writing these kinds of things in English now feels pretentious instead of "more deep" or like I was tuning into a different part of my brain.

It's also just that; that things feel more pretentious. I think it is related to "growing older" too, like you get desensitized from a lot of things because you have so many things to do. And I think subconsciously (like, I never even noticed, but I wonder...) it feels childish, or immature. Uninteresting, even, which... wow. I hate that. Emotion and how we see the world through it is the most interesting thing, like, ever in life.

I also consider myself uninteresting, which is a vicious cycle; part of the reason I don't think I'm an interesting person anymore is because I don't write or do anything creative or "deep" anymore. But it's hard to grab a pen (or keyboard) and start writing; I'm constantly thinking of how boring everything I say is, or how, I guess, non-poetic, so there is no flow state or inspiration state.

That's always been difficult for me though... Most of the time, I'm judging what I'm writing even while I'm writing it. If I'm in that "flow state" (let's call it that), maybe a 20% of my brain is doing the judging instead of 70%, and I keep brushing it off, and it's not hard to brush it off, but it is still there. And as soon as one sentence doesn't feel right or like it is, well, flowing, the magic is gone.

(I wonder if all poets feel like this.)

But if I am something (other than a writer), I am someone who never gives up. And I have changed a lot but some things are part of me, my core being, and so I don't give up on them.

When you know who you are, what feels completely, completely true, all fear is gone. If the feeling of being lost starts creeping in, you know where to go. You have a home. And it's easy to forget that, and it gets more and more difficult for me to ignore all the voices that mean to make me doubt everything, simply because there are more and more of those voices every day. (Which is a whole discussion for another time.) But if I have one day like today, a few paragraphs every once in a while that I can remember after, I can hang on. I didn't leave, I haven't gone anywhere. I'm still me and will always be.

Dear reader, don't forget yourself. ...When have you seen me talking to the reader! I guess this just feels important. Who are you? Or more simply, what do you truly enjoy? Don't forget.

 

-

estuve pensando en tantas cosas

del pasado, que siento que abandoné

como si todo fuera mi culpa

hace mucho vengo notando

cómo las cosas se desvanecen más rápido

se va lo que alguna vez soñé

no hay tiempo para que se construya

no sé de qué otra forma decirlo

yo pensaba que con palabras las cosas se hacían mejores,

que con poesía entendía

pero sigo viendo las pérdidas día a día

todas mis historias y las historias que amé

ni yo ni nadie las escucha

un poco, sí, quién soy

otro poco, hay tanto ruido

ahora se eligen los silencios

con mucha consciencia, día a día

quisiera dejar de pensar en estas cosas

de sentir esta falta, algo que ya no puedo ser

con unas palabras poder ver

distinto, entre tanto dolor y amargura

a ver si siento dulzura

cosas de los últimos casi doce meses, sin revisar ni nada porque así estamos hoy

 

//

 

There used to be a way

in which i looked at the world and said

Jack, that's beautiful

All of this is out there

And i'm seeing it

love kept me awake at night

with wonder

and then i'd sleep well

 

//

 

amidst the sound of the drums

i murmured a song, in joy and fear

in pain and in peace

i felt mhy head and my heart pounding after days of exhaustion

i felt my lungs sting and my head spin

and i whispered a scream of triumph

a cry of victory

 

//

 

quiero cambiar muchas, muchas cosas
de todo
pero no puedo porque no puedo dejar de ser la misma tonta
me ponen mal cosas tan chiquitas,
y siempre me dicen que no diga que son chiquitas,
que no me invalide
pero sí son!
me ponen mal tantas cosas tan chiquitas
que se hace difícil tener tiempo para desarmarlas
tener energía mental para soportarlas
no! yo quiero cambiarlas
pero no puedo, en fin
terminará siendo de a poco y durante toda mi vida
(bue, qué dramático)
tengo miedo de, por el camino,
olvidarme de lo que quería
con alguna de todas esas cositas
o que piedrita tras piedrita me terminen tapando
pero no! por ahora voy ganando
creo, pastillita tras pastillita
ahre
chiste, chiste, pero cuestión
que ojalá pudiera ser
quien yo quisiera ser, no?
y al mismo tiempo quererme, y cuidarme
por ahora, la misma tonta
que cada día se entiende un poco más, y se cuida
pero también tropieza con lo mismo muchas veces
y bue, será de a poco
la millón es la vencida y cada tanto una piedrita
finalmente ya no es nada
quiero cambiar taaaaantaas cosas
cómo se hará? quién sabe
yo solo sé que tengo mi verdad
prueba y error y mis verdades!
deseénme suerte y fuerzas para seguir cambiando un poquito, un poquito.

 

//

 

y escribo
ya no sé dónde ni cómo ni por qué
que basta, ya basta
es hora de, hashtag, soltar todo
cómo hago, alguien que me cuente
¿no había un curso para esto?
un campamento de cuatro días

ojalá pudieran vaciarme el cerebro y dejarme solo las verdades
esas que mencionaba la otra vez
ojalá pudiera sacarme todo lo que no sirve ni me, hashtag, interpela

por qué lo que siento de mentira es tan fuerte
y por qué los pensamientos se vuelven sentimientos
se van haciendo pesados hasta que pum
un cansancio y una angustia y muchas dudas

basta, suelto antes de que se arme el nudo
reiniciar es más difícil de lo que pensaba,
pero allí voy, algo de fuerza me queda
y ahora tengo sueño así que dejo esto acá sin cuestionarme,
ja, hasta luego.

 

//

 

ojitos hinchados
secretos de miel
lágrimas suavecitas
que arrugan la piel

 

//

 

por qué me desarmo en pedacitos

prefiero ser una mezcla inentendible y pegajosa

a desconocerme y temer fantasmas

 

//

 

Pero ha hablado alguien

del escape

Recuerdan que hablé del choque

El fin del suspenso borrado

o debería decir, escondido

 

Siempre pienso en aquellos pasillos

donde encontraba algo de paz

porque todo era tan diferente a mí

que nada podía pasarme

 

sé que esta es la recta final

pero aun así, me lleno de lágrimas

porque no puedo olvidar

 

qué sal tengo que usar para sanar

qué hilo para asimilar

unir las distintas piezas del día

el salto con las alas y el vértigo y la noche

 

si me oculto tras la luna

quizás más tarde no recuerde el eclipse

si me oculto tras el sol

quizás veas quien realmente soy

 

alguien alguna vez

habló de los espacios separados

cuyos límites se trazan de las formas más extrañas

y cómo el espacio se da vuelta

y abrir una puerta siempre es caer

 

descender un poco en el aire y ¡ah!

después de lleno a una pileta

 

y los disparadores saben dónde están

en los espacios más concurridos

y las contradicciones son la moneda corriente

no habría opuestos si pudieran desvincularse

 

entiendo las razones y los tiempos

pero ojalá no aparecieran fantasmas

entre mis momentos más hermosos

ojalá no hicieran que quiera dejarlo todo

para no volver a verlos

 

//

 

todo se pierde en una nebulosa
de cabellos rubios que se acomodan detrás de la oreja
de ojos que se cierran y se abren, de pestañas largas
un poco de humo y labial

todo se envuelve y me envuelve y me aprieta el pecho
un remolino que marea sin que te muevas

ya no sé qué hacer para que esto me importe más
para alejarme del dolor y la indiferencia y las consecuencias
y las causas también, quizás
en un sentido

no soy tus ojos ni los míos ni el reflejo en el vidrio
el vapor o la lluvia y mucho menos este frío
pero el mar ha callado y yo no sé ya lo que espero
aunque quiera no puedo recordar cómo era,
pero también quiero quedarme así nueva

soy las voces de lo que digo, soy mis palabras

y aquellas sombras que se perdían
entre faroles y nubes de día
de repente aparecen y con una mueca, preguntan:
¿cómo no me viste antes? te advertí mientras dormías

 

//

 

there's a sifting truth
that, nonetheless, is only temporary
but it speaks of eternity and the trace of otherwise fleeting paths

 

//

 

why does everyone need to know
i think more solitude would even mean less loneliness
sooooo much talking
there should be more music and more silence

reverse-engineer tiredness
give me a dawn to watch in easy desolation
too many questions
that don't match the answers

give me a different kind of war to contemplate
a dawn with fire on the horizon
keep my eyes of wisdom without the body of the past
give me power enough to manifest

bring back simple incapability
no surviving just be what you are
only then can i strive to be better
fire on the horizon no needles on broken skin

only then will there be purpose
don't distract me
keep my voice of wisdom without the afterthought
only then, true compassion

i accept contradiction but i do not accept
this constant brutality
"if there's no love or even if there is
there will be hate and contempt" 

[7 agosto 2022]
  

tantas veces te perdí
ya tu silueta se desdibuja y tu perfil
se desvanece de mi mente y al abrir
los ojos me encuentro un paisaje nuevo

ya no me reconocí
tan solo en un tiempo
que corrió sincero, siempre fiel a mí 
pero fue ligero y tanto, yo tanto sentí

que no sé, y ya no sé
cómo esperar para volverte a sentir
para verte sonreír, y pienso qué voy a decir
si todo lo que soy es intentar ser yo aquí

y pienso estas palabras con una melodía
que nunca escribiré porque aquel mediodía
uno como cualquier otro
decidí que el tiempo era poco
y dije que algún día volvería, pero al final
sí que cambió la vida

y no sé, ya no sé
cómo extrañarte en la justa medida
cómo tenerte sin temer tu partida
o pensar qué es lo que diría
si todo lo que soy es lo que quizás sería

oh, oh, oh
cantan las voces, suenas en mi corazón
oh, oh, oh,
sin razón, oh, oh
sonrío y quiero que ya siga la canción, oh

y en otro momento
tenía sentido el tiempo
tenía sentido el tacto y mis ojos abiertos
pero ya tantas veces me pierdo
que tu silueta se desdibuja y tu perfil...
se borra el recuerdo 

oh, oh

cierro los ojos y así
sé que siempre estamos aquí
un poco sueño, un poco deseo
un poco fantasía
pero siempre fiel, siempre la misma
voy a por ti, con lo que soy, lo que sería y lo que fui

una notte

dammi solo una notte per sentire

che ancora si può sentire

i'm sixteen again and i can chase you

i can look for you without anyone knowing

una notte, due, tre

so i can forget

love's harder to find these days

sometimes when everything gets darker

i feel that at the edge of the world

where there's almost nothing left

at least there must be love

그치? there must be love

there's a sort of emptiness i embrace

my stomach hurts and my heart aches but at least

not everything feels the same

(and somehow this not-having feels like me

and some day it won't be

but right now it's still

almost identity)

i'd even hate myself

if it meant change

i'd even pretend

just for the game

i'm eighteen again and i know

this is not the way to go

so pleasantly lost, knowing i have time

to turn it all around

pensi che possiamo dimenticarlo tutto

ti ricordi come ballare?

do you think there's a place where

i finally experience (the) new me?

and do you think

when i'm dancing with you i'll think of her

do you think she'll think of me

be jealous of you just a tiny bit

i swear i just need one night

somewhere else

i'd feel any pain if it's a different pain

this not-love is the worst kind of pain

i feel i might lose my mind,

but i don't mind

if there's nothing at the edge of the world

then what's it all for

guarda le stelle che stanno ancora brillando

ascolta le voci che ridono

che parlano come se il tempo non esistesse

they make me want to go back, or maybe go forward

anywhere anytime just to remember i can

feel all these things, they still exist

i'd do anything just

give me one, three nights

to prove myself right

it’s hard to talk about things
time goes by and i’d rather just... drift

which things do i keep separate
what am i doing that i... can’t be whole

cold season, cloudy season
spring heat feels odd
uncomfortable, like i’m out of place
but today it is winter and it’s cold
and there’s snow and it feels... dull
i’m not sad, i think, i’m not too bad
i feel like i just want to stay still but that’s a tiny bit unsettling

so many emotions i haven’t yet explored
so many years i haven’t still let go
and why isn’t it okay anyway
what’s the world trying to tell me

what’s my soul trying to tell me

and when a piece breaks off
how do i know where it came from
should i? should i know?
and when the fire rests
why does it feel i burn myself

trying to balance action and inaction
love and change
peace and... revolution, i guess

it’s hard to talk about things when you end up saying the same
you always do
i feel there’s something much deeper i cannot, still, put into words

why do i worry
why are there things to worry about
how do they love me
how do i want to love the most

if i hate this world then why do i wanna live
if i wanna live then why don’t i feel alive
why so tired, why hold on
or maybe why, why do i want to feel anything at all

don’t you think feeling nothing is... a tiny bit unsettling
there’s no nothing, there’s just the feeling that there’s nothing
yes, emptiness
it just fluctuates between anguish and resignation

and if you don’t expect then why would you want to live
but strangely, i do
maybe i’m still silently waiting, hoping
while thinking there’s no way
and that’s why it hurts

(seems so obvious when you say it out loud
but inside it feels so... like something has to reconcile)

is it possible to ‘accept’ things without feeling like you’ve given up?
and like you could have, maybe, not given up?
or that maybe the world could have given you another chance
or as silly as it may sound, some reassurance that it’s okay?
or maybe
that it’s a lonely road
that it may hurt but it doesn’t make much sense if you tell

that’s why it’s hard to talk about things
i’m not complaining, it’s just what’s happening is not important
it’s what i’m feeling
i just wanna say stay
let’s wait it out it’ll be okay

i’ll make decisions later,
i will write about it later
maybe
right now i wish for two things
to just drift,
and meet you somewhere along the way










































[b- sides]



there's also something about
feeling angry because a part of me feels that it it has to apologize
and (al)so i
try to consider if i should and what it would
do
i just wanna do whatever i don't want to know what happens next

/////


i always wanna feel something but i wanna mildify it, or sadify it


///

some things i can't change, i get that
but the thing is people keep asking me to change them



///

my feeling is not sadness
or maybe it is, at its core
but then there's just
dissatisfaction, a bit of shame, a bit of anger

and anxiety i don't know where it comes from
sometimes i think it's not the same thing, it crosses it tangentially

everything was on fire
and i was outside
my love for you was burning
but it wasn't here this time
i had let it go
you had let it go

a few years ago all i could do was run
and so i ran to you
i guess your coldness felt like home,
though i felt there was something warm there
hidden, and then not so much

i guess i watched you grow

i let myself wonder about you,
enjoy the simple feeling
i almost trusted you and i didn't hold back
we were free at some point, weren't we?

and now everything was on fire,
ah where did the love go
did it only fuel resentment
or did you not feel it at all

i know i've been trying
to handle too much at once
but it wasn't my fault
(not that it matters)
i opened my heart and you just... let it go

i keep giving but i guess... there's no space left

and the only air is the one that feeds the fire
the only words are knives,
and silence is like cheap wine
bitter, boring, lonely
leaves you alone with your thoughts,
wishing you would just feel cold

but it's fine, rain will come
i'll be free at some point, boring, and lonely
bitterness will go and you won't know
who i'll be

everything was on fire and i said
if no one's here i will leave too
i said love never dies but you can leave it behind
i don't mind anymore if you let it burn away

this time it's me that won't say a word
maybe i will, again, feel the cold
maybe instead of fire i'll see a ghost
ah, in any case
i'll be more me than before
  

[18/1/21] - 1

sobre mis hombros solo hay flores
pero a veces mis rodillas duelen
las cicatrices de antes, los golpes de ahora
pero mira los colores

no sé, hace siglos creía perder
ahora solo pienso en el timing, hoy, today
mañana quizás cambie de idea,
pero si me pudieras ver...

cambié otra vez, y para qué
espero el momento con ansias,
pero también serenidad
pienso que no tiene sentido, pero es lo único
que tiene sentido

me mantienen con vida las ganas de salir
perdón por lo obvio, pero sí, el caminar por madrid
visitarte en tu casa, que cocines para mí
regalarte ese libro, que salgamos por ahí

cuándo se acabará la arena del reloj
cuándo bajaré a tierra, o subiré a un avión
no lo pienso nunca pero siempre siento
there is so much more to show

te extraño, extraño lo que no conocí
pienso en el timing, y en cosas que descubrí
y cómo las demuestro, si solo estoy aquí 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[19/1/21] - 2

 

quisiera recrear eso de ayer
olvidarme de que luego cambiaría
otra vez

parezco un disco rayado, ay
y yo aquí pensando
que podía progresar

pero ya está, ya está
vuelvo a empezar y ya está
que nunca se pierden los sueños,
y el alma ya se va a arreglar

quisiera atar mejor los hilos
qué sé yo, como se diga
no ver todo tan separado,
tan lejos entre sí

pero sabes lo que en realidad quisiera
que extrañarte fuera cierto
que esta no fuera una parte 2,
que esto no existiera

recordar alguna vez en la que sí,
y aquí me pongo críptica
es que si no fuera por hoy quizás me creía
que había cosas que sí tenía

pero también lo dije ayer,
in a different way
or maybe the same, quizás sí que me acordé
pues ya volverán los sueños
y de sueños viviré

ojalá pudiera volver,
volver a hacer
algo nuevo porque sí, que se quede junto a mí

imagínate creer de verdad
imagínate crecer, o tan solo estar
ya sabes, lo mismo de siempre
ojalá que en alguna parte
te encuentre

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(   [19/1/21] - a b-side   )

 

ojalá fuera de oro
no de verdad, sino así
como el tiempo

ojalá fuera de prisa
ojalá un simple asentir con la cabeza
me bastara para seguir

ojalá no me preguntara
por qué me pregunto cosas
por qué me arrepiento

ojalá el aire supiera
lo que hago día a día
esas gotitas de arcoiris
tan mías, tan bonitas

es que parece que no importan
si siempre las tengo que dejar
como si fuera el agua lo que oxida

ojalá volviera a escribir
como nunca hice, en realidad
sin temer
sin pensar en el final

pero soy débil, sí, así nomás
y me cuesta todo y no soy ni una más
ojalá mis gotitas tuvieran más valor
que sí lo tienen, pero están en un cajón

ojalá pudiera seguir
sin sentir que pido mucho
menos secretos, más poesía
puedo decirlo,
más amor y más vida

pero aquella parte
que es la misma de siempre
ya verás cómo se arrepiente

y así, al infinito
soy casi lo que no soy, y algún cliché similar
ojalá
ojalá pudiera brillar

i see you
you're beautiful too
though you cannot thrive here
but i see how you flourish
how you show your best colours
they shine, they shimmer
with the truth of a dreamer

i see many flowers growing on crossroads,
aren't they saying life is made of this too,
the things we don't know
and what we go through
aren't they saying you are this too,
in the best way

when you come again
to a space that's inbetween
may you bloom in your own way
may you cry sweet tears, and welcome the rain
and every time you reach for the sunlight
i hope you see that you can
i hope you know that it shows

i see you,
though here you are a stranger
morning dew waits for sunrise every day
ready to try again
a wishful garden, forever new
and in every thing you,
only you

slow blanket
nuvole bianche
that village i painted once
a washed-down tapestry

and i guess it doesn't matter
that i can't see clearly behind the clouds
what are you trying to tell me
hell, are you there at all

i guess it's just
an old film playing again

hazy eyes,
not-warm-enough blanket
but the moon smiles

here there's so much space
all the silence that i need
guess it doesn't matter
that i'm trying to discern
between day & night
a lover and a half

and there are seasons too
but everything's timeless

(they said heal your headache with cold
oh i remember
heal uneasiness with gold)

so here i gingerly sit
so many questions
so many answers!
half a bottle of wine
ribbons around my ankles

(i was writing you letters before,
so what is the difference)

non-fleeting blanket
pretty berries
it's flower season,
the moon shines

the piano sounds faintly
gently
i guess it's an old melody, playing again
but this time
i'm listening

[2020.06.09]

[scraps & whatnot from the past couple of months]

  

  //

  

[april 29]

  

i wanna scream!

that i'm so far away!

and it doesn't actually hurt me it's just so....

ah wait it does hurt

what am i gonna do

and i know everyone is the same!

all of us who fall in love feel the same things.

it's crazy, by the way, how ive just come to realise this now

but in any case,

it hurts to want to hug you so, so hard

so, so much

all day and maybe all night

hold your hand

watch you smile

listen to you talk & sing

but mostly the hugs!!!

it hurts but i don't want to stop loving you,

oh, how funny 

how obvious of me

ah, what am i gonna do

i mean i know what im gonna do but i still wanna complain

im so far away, in every sense!

and i know my love will reach you,

and it makes me smile a lot

you make me smile a lot

but the hugs....

but i hope you get them every day

as much as you can

as much as you want to

i will love you with all my strength,

and i will wish with all my strength

that someone close to you loves you in the same way

that you can love them so, so much

that they make you smile a lot

please remember that if it's important to you, then it's important

i don't know, just be happy, as much as you can

nothing matters more

wherever you are, i wish you with all my heart

a good day, a good night 

  

  //

  

[may 31] [nox]

  

what would i do if i could grow up?

she often thought about this.

she'd wear an armor. and a dress underneath.

she would love, for sure.

better yet, love wouldn't be the most important thing.

the scars wouldn't mean that much,

and neither would her past.

ah, if she wasn't stuck in time

how would past things matter

when there were new ones to experience.

but as she thought about this

she reflected, too, on the fact that she /had/ changed;

maybe some day in the next thousand years

someone would come for her, let her move on...

she remembered she had a soul,

and one that was, in a way, very old.

ah, i understand if my body can't grow.

because when i go, it'll make no difference:

i'll take so much with me, there's so much that i now know.

  

  //

  

[june 5]

  

there's truly no art left

no flowers in this temple

finally the time has come,

when everything that'll be reborn is asleep

when everything that withers is gone with the wind

  

  //

   

[june 6]

  

sometimes even i lose track of who I've become

and i fear some crucial part has been lost

i fear some part of the new is too much,

dont know if false or just a little bit heavy

  

  //

  

 [june 16]

  

esta inquietud llena de agujeros

me acuerdo de las hojas pasajeras, blancas

en las que rodaba y rodaba sin destino alguno

pero convencida, serena en el movimiento

ahora me encarcelo sin esperar nada

me trago la llave que sale en forma de espadas

por mis ojos y mis manos, suaves

me pierdo y me encuentro pero más me encuentro

pero con esta inquietud, llena de agujeros

un torrente de ilusiones me recuerda levantarme

y me mareo ante la mezcla de realidades

mis sueños son chiquitos, y grandes

los pinto en las nubes y el humo de las tardes

en los sahumerios de colores y las piedras más o [menos brillantes

recuerdo aquellos días,

cuando todo parecía importante

hoy pienso en los aromas, en las caritas de mis gatas

y aunque siento tantas heridas es posible que

[las espadas sean de todo corazón

y la suavidad, tal vez no

quiero decir, aun mejor:

el impulso aún existe y el amor aún existe

cortinas traslúcidas abrazan las mañanas

los espacios intermedios se extienden

y mis manos me cierran.

//

[june 20]

there used to be something
that i believed made me glow,
show my trrue form
a wave where i could find peace,
or would, eventually

there used to be some strings
around my neck, 
which i believed would go away
or maybe, make me strong
i believed they made me
somewhat unique

but then i fell, and it wasn't my own fault
or maybe it was, but in any case
i was responding to a sudden shock

at some point i tripped over my own hopes

(...)

is the glow still there, i don't know
either way it just won't show

(...)

i know, i know
if i keep thinking about it it'll just hurt more

but it comes at me, it tightens something
i'm still bound to some foreign land
and none of my spells work,
and i don't think there's new ones
yet

//

  

[july 16]

  

went too far and then came back

and that was the worst part

from here i could see how uneasy it had felt

how distant from my own self

but all i care about is flowers

pretty blossoms at the corners of the earth

sweet words and also a grain of salt

a rainy day among all the best

every night i look at the stars

say your name, wonder how can something

mean everything and nothing

should i just go back

but it doesn't matter where i am

and sadness already lives here, i am just a guest

but wherever i go

the sad parts feel most like home

and when i was out there,

surrounded by shimmering trees

that felt strong while they smiled at the birds

as much magic as i carry with me now

at times i felt there's no air

i came back but have i left again

who knows

after all it doesn't matter where i am

it's only about what i'm not

maybe that way light will grow

maybe i really can see the future

and there's a garden in jupiter,

where one flower's made of stone

every night i look at the stars and say

goodnight

hope we meet again tomorrow

in the middle of nowhere

2020.05.28




it's not the cold that makes me tremble
it's the space inside, which, for some reason
is locked up
a place full of ghosts i can't reach
a crystal ball, full of shadows and swirling clouds
many little pieces of light
like suns, moons and stars
flying and floating around
there's peace and there's chaos
fear and comfort
the core, maybe
full of the softest things
and the secret to how they disappear

is there balance
who knows
what does it look like
what does it /feel/ like

//

all these threads of stars
i hang them out to shine
are their borders sharp
does their fire burn
oh i wouldn't mind
but i think they're only light
sewn together with some luck
fortune, in every way

(imagine a blanket made of these
one we could share)

//

i wanna hide
behind the door
i wish you could come with me
and sit with me on the floor

do you think we can go
somewhere on our own
where we would feel nothing but dusklight and the songs
we'd improvise every day without a care in the world

do you think i can stay
enough time to wait for you
do you think hope keeps burning forever
do you think it can disguise
as something i had from the start


remember when i used to say
i could just throw it all away


i think the flame change(s) colours but it never ever fades
just like your smile stays the same
and the promise i made it's got me going so many directions
and yet it's the same thing that guides me
so in a way, my friend, it's only fate
you light the way

I - 2020 01 10

when it hurts i might not tell you
if i know it's only me
who might feel this way
i might not notice,
how much i need to get away
into my comfy space,
my warm night with dim lights
but it'll keep drizzling for days,
i'll try to remember the feeling
but i won't try too hard

i will hug my pillow and my songs
and just go on, go on
i will wait until the papercut is healed somehow





II - 2020 01 14

sleep a little,
stay in your shell

i find her so inspiring
because she came at the right time
i need to remember that is always how it works

if you go out can you take your shell with you?
just for today
it makes sense

that sense of security
i can't seem to get
i know it's within myself

the worst part is when i cannot /give/
when i feel the world is not for me
it doesn't let me heal,
i need time to feel

i know many of us are strangers
but why find a place
it sounds like an obvious question
but why find a place

i can create many presents
but for whom
i can be soft and understanding
but of whom
travel where, run my fingers through where
i just want to make it more mild still

i can give it all
but im left shaking
realising im alone
i can be better
but for whom
and i end up
making it milder still

and so it seems the solution is to just dissolve
forget, just float
fly carried by the breeze
just because

why do i feel like i struggle with words
if truth is no one's listening
and it's not right or wrong it's just how we move along
so just go on, go back home

i am asked to give it all
but to whom
i am asked ultimately
to remain empty

i cant stop the smiles coming
but i cant stop the pain
it's impossible to be nothing
and i can't be undone

i could always feel the water
but i am asked, dont mind the cold
and im left shaking
i just want to go home

i can create a million springs
but why would i
if it means leaving me colorless
pure autumn

i am told if you let go you let other things come
i even said it myself
but now im struggling cause i know
in the past that's never worked

i'll keep writing a million stories
cause i know they make me smile
but i can't stop wishing they brought me closer
to someone, something warm

blue violets
a garden of wonders
of questions
of thorns,
of beautiful smiles

a garden at night
an unshakable truth
but how many sides
how many ways does the light flow

oh pretty waves
take my very essence away
i know you can't
though you'll see i changed sometimes i just
go back

but the real question is
who are you when you're weaker

no pillars to help you stand,
no pain to act as a bridge
a parallel path

when you're most translucent,
pure water
but you still feel your knees

when the fire is blue and red and your voice is dead
when there's only yourself but you're everything but
it's so empty

who are you then
that's where you are

but before
there was quiet

perdí algo en el camino
sé que mi destino es entregar lo que tengo,
mostrar afuera lo de adentro

pero aún me hago tantas preguntas
que está bien, a veces, volver

antes había silencio
cosas azules
no sé cuándo fue
que algunas de ellas
empezaron a abrumarme
(casi una paradoja),
pero de todos modos
allí estaba el mar

lo de ahora ya no me hace mal,
but i think i could go back
integrar

ya pude discernir,
ahora me toca unir.

maybe there are only waves
and i should, like that old lyric said
drown carefully

sand is softer now
but still
there's shadows
but maybe it's only eternity
painting its trace

sunshine's more pure now but i still get burned
dawns are sunsets
nights go by
quietly
maybe every morning
a piece of me transforms
maybe everything resonates,
maybe nothing unfolds

maybe there's only everything,
only waves and i should
dream on

before i start, before i begin
waves again and the sky is grey
it turns red as i look
i found out too late
where i grew and where i lost
i'm a spinning mess but at least i know what's next

i've been careful without being still
i met you without asking questions
i put myself first, it didn't feel like sacrifice
i don't care if you noticed

before i get up
some reassurance i don't have
i hope this magic doesn't wear out

i grew tired and medicated but i needn't say a word
i still see the dawn
red but that's just
cause it's too early

try not to think how long it'll last

hope this magic don't wear out
so much comes from me when i know nothing comes from me

it's my body and my routine
that still aches and struggles to live

if you look closely you can see the birds
welcoming the sun

i'm breathless but my eyes are open
my hands are shaking but my heart is open

still something says, don't let me be wrong
but i want to correct it,
please let me be strong

nothing's clear, nothing's light
but aren't we all
just walking by

(and how do you know if there's dark)

it's not even about balance,
it's about trust
what would you think made the sky red
what made it blue
aren't we made of the same colours
and warmth and heavy rain