it’s hard to talk about things
time goes by and i’d rather just... drift

which things do i keep separate
what am i doing that i... can’t be whole

cold season, cloudy season
spring heat feels odd
uncomfortable, like i’m out of place
but today it is winter and it’s cold
and there’s snow and it feels... dull
i’m not sad, i think, i’m not too bad
i feel like i just want to stay still but that’s a tiny bit unsettling

so many emotions i haven’t yet explored
so many years i haven’t still let go
and why isn’t it okay anyway
what’s the world trying to tell me

what’s my soul trying to tell me

and when a piece breaks off
how do i know where it came from
should i? should i know?
and when the fire rests
why does it feel i burn myself

trying to balance action and inaction
love and change
peace and... revolution, i guess

it’s hard to talk about things when you end up saying the same
you always do
i feel there’s something much deeper i cannot, still, put into words

why do i worry
why are there things to worry about
how do they love me
how do i want to love the most

if i hate this world then why do i wanna live
if i wanna live then why don’t i feel alive
why so tired, why hold on
or maybe why, why do i want to feel anything at all

don’t you think feeling nothing is... a tiny bit unsettling
there’s no nothing, there’s just the feeling that there’s nothing
yes, emptiness
it just fluctuates between anguish and resignation

and if you don’t expect then why would you want to live
but strangely, i do
maybe i’m still silently waiting, hoping
while thinking there’s no way
and that’s why it hurts

(seems so obvious when you say it out loud
but inside it feels so... like something has to reconcile)

is it possible to ‘accept’ things without feeling like you’ve given up?
and like you could have, maybe, not given up?
or that maybe the world could have given you another chance
or as silly as it may sound, some reassurance that it’s okay?
or maybe
that it’s a lonely road
that it may hurt but it doesn’t make much sense if you tell

that’s why it’s hard to talk about things
i’m not complaining, it’s just what’s happening is not important
it’s what i’m feeling
i just wanna say stay
let’s wait it out it’ll be okay

i’ll make decisions later,
i will write about it later
maybe
right now i wish for two things
to just drift,
and meet you somewhere along the way










































[b- sides]



there's also something about
feeling angry because a part of me feels that it it has to apologize
and (al)so i
try to consider if i should and what it would
do
i just wanna do whatever i don't want to know what happens next

/////


i always wanna feel something but i wanna mildify it, or sadify it


///

some things i can't change, i get that
but the thing is people keep asking me to change them



///

my feeling is not sadness
or maybe it is, at its core
but then there's just
dissatisfaction, a bit of shame, a bit of anger

and anxiety i don't know where it comes from
sometimes i think it's not the same thing, it crosses it tangentially

everything was on fire
and i was outside
my love for you was burning
but it wasn't here this time
i had let it go
you had let it go

a few years ago all i could do was run
and so i ran to you
i guess your coldness felt like home,
though i felt there was something warm there
hidden, and then not so much

i guess i watched you grow

i let myself wonder about you,
enjoy the simple feeling
i almost trusted you and i didn't hold back
we were free at some point, weren't we?

and now everything was on fire,
ah where did the love go
did it only fuel resentment
or did you not feel it at all

i know i've been trying
to handle too much at once
but it wasn't my fault
(not that it matters)
i opened my heart and you just... let it go

i keep giving but i guess... there's no space left

and the only air is the one that feeds the fire
the only words are knives,
and silence is like cheap wine
bitter, boring, lonely
leaves you alone with your thoughts,
wishing you would just feel cold

but it's fine, rain will come
i'll be free at some point, boring, and lonely
bitterness will go and you won't know
who i'll be

everything was on fire and i said
if no one's here i will leave too
i said love never dies but you can leave it behind
i don't mind anymore if you let it burn away

this time it's me that won't say a word
maybe i will, again, feel the cold
maybe instead of fire i'll see a ghost
ah, in any case
i'll be more me than before
  

[18/1/21] - 1

sobre mis hombros solo hay flores
pero a veces mis rodillas duelen
las cicatrices de antes, los golpes de ahora
pero mira los colores

no sé, hace siglos creía perder
ahora solo pienso en el timing, hoy, today
mañana quizás cambie de idea,
pero si me pudieras ver...

cambié otra vez, y para qué
espero el momento con ansias,
pero también serenidad
pienso que no tiene sentido, pero es lo único
que tiene sentido

me mantienen con vida las ganas de salir
perdón por lo obvio, pero sí, el caminar por madrid
visitarte en tu casa, que cocines para mí
regalarte ese libro, que salgamos por ahí

cuándo se acabará la arena del reloj
cuándo bajaré a tierra, o subiré a un avión
no lo pienso nunca pero siempre siento
there is so much more to show

te extraño, extraño lo que no conocí
pienso en el timing, y en cosas que descubrí
y cómo las demuestro, si solo estoy aquí 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[19/1/21] - 2

 

quisiera recrear eso de ayer
olvidarme de que luego cambiaría
otra vez

parezco un disco rayado, ay
y yo aquí pensando
que podía progresar

pero ya está, ya está
vuelvo a empezar y ya está
que nunca se pierden los sueños,
y el alma ya se va a arreglar

quisiera atar mejor los hilos
qué sé yo, como se diga
no ver todo tan separado,
tan lejos entre sí

pero sabes lo que en realidad quisiera
que extrañarte fuera cierto
que esta no fuera una parte 2,
que esto no existiera

recordar alguna vez en la que sí,
y aquí me pongo críptica
es que si no fuera por hoy quizás me creía
que había cosas que sí tenía

pero también lo dije ayer,
in a different way
or maybe the same, quizás sí que me acordé
pues ya volverán los sueños
y de sueños viviré

ojalá pudiera volver,
volver a hacer
algo nuevo porque sí, que se quede junto a mí

imagínate creer de verdad
imagínate crecer, o tan solo estar
ya sabes, lo mismo de siempre
ojalá que en alguna parte
te encuentre

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(   [19/1/21] - a b-side   )

 

ojalá fuera de oro
no de verdad, sino así
como el tiempo

ojalá fuera de prisa
ojalá un simple asentir con la cabeza
me bastara para seguir

ojalá no me preguntara
por qué me pregunto cosas
por qué me arrepiento

ojalá el aire supiera
lo que hago día a día
esas gotitas de arcoiris
tan mías, tan bonitas

es que parece que no importan
si siempre las tengo que dejar
como si fuera el agua lo que oxida

ojalá volviera a escribir
como nunca hice, en realidad
sin temer
sin pensar en el final

pero soy débil, sí, así nomás
y me cuesta todo y no soy ni una más
ojalá mis gotitas tuvieran más valor
que sí lo tienen, pero están en un cajón

ojalá pudiera seguir
sin sentir que pido mucho
menos secretos, más poesía
puedo decirlo,
más amor y más vida

pero aquella parte
que es la misma de siempre
ya verás cómo se arrepiente

y así, al infinito
soy casi lo que no soy, y algún cliché similar
ojalá
ojalá pudiera brillar