a common spell
a thread i cannot...

i saw you on the other side
the glass was cold but the drink was...
were you dancing
or was i just

i let go and i go
meet me there
i know you said yes
in a language i cannot...

oh we're always going through the motions
but today everything
went down
lights dimmed suddenly, too
but you got your own don't you
there's no room for...
in no time i
went up

meet me there

the ice was cold but the drink was...
and our harmony
tied us tight

this is it, right?
again

the candlelight was warm
but you were...
galaxies were cold
but they were here
filled the room

the waves were...
and i said the right words
the only spell
in a language i cannot

but if i try to explain
i get no answers

the drinks were on the floor
slowly
expanding
galaxies turned, they moved
but they were
here

everything quiets down
and our voices say...

but if i think of it
i get no answers
but i don't want them

there's a faint glow
no after
you've got your own don't you
and i do, too
i do too

[? 2018]

something gentle
could it balance this somehow
bring some tangent
a soft ray of sunlight

if i could feel on my ankles
the water of the stream
how cold should it be

something gentle enough,
but also sharp enough
could it help balance this
be cold so i don't have to be

[10/9]

hold me
i need to let go of this
for a little while
i'll close my eyes, hope that's okay
i might tremble, slightly
while i get used to the warmth in your hands

tell me it's okay to feel tired
is there a lot i can give to you
if... if there's fire in my soul but i'm this weak?
sometimes it feels i can't be there for myself
but i can be there for you

but then i remember
i am here, it's just
i can't be like them
is there still
something i can give you if
i have nothing of me
to show

tell me it's okay to be wrong
to lose against yourself sometimes

hold me, i need to stop trying
for a little while

how hard it is to explain
i don't want to feel this much,
i don't want to think this much

i want to be like you but it's too late

tell me it's okay to be angry
it's in my nature
i make mistakes, i regret things
it's okay
but i would regret less if i knew
it's okay

help me breathe
while i let go of this
for a little while

i don't want to say 'i'm sorry'

peach pink dawn
a streak does a wrapping twist around me
a traveler
carrying their home with them

invisible to the eyes of strangers,
amazing to some insiders
on the same journey
but she's a fire who knows the rain well
a ghost with a strong core

how luminous can you be
how long do stars stay alive
how much does the sun weigh
how much does the moon
give you back

dawn breaks
despite all ive done
mountains seem too high for me

"are you sure? if you go up there you can't do anything."

you know, when it sparks
even with your eyes closed
a few misteps-- but its there
hear your own voice
see your own memories
picture others', too
its on your fingertips
again
youre sure
this is how it was before
but then when you actually grab it
when youre ready to feel the rush
something pushes you aside, separates you from you
you wanna stay where you were but
it is fake now
and you feel nothing

lie down a while, keep on with your day
theres an aftertaste of unsureness
oh, dont spiral down again
how to compensate
how many holes do you keep in your heart
how much empty space
ah how to compensate
what to untie

it lights up again
but you know best
stay still
maybe you dont need your heart
or maybe it will figure itself out
at some point

such simple things
can make you spin

and you push you aside,
just a little bit
stay still
watch it go
how many holes
do you carry in your heart
well you dont know
youre just looking from a distance
away

:(

[20180719]

i need to feel close
only, i dont know, a few million light years
feel we shine in the same sky
we shimmer in the same nights

meeting universes

[20180628]

im tired of solving puzzles,
my whole life's been trying to see in the dark
to focus on passing landscapes
get in here, get out there

and this comes into mind again:
no one knows what i do best

if i get better why dont i
get better

all these years are with me, believe me
i am new but i am also me
whether you see it or not
and it's not a cage anymore,
but it is something only i know

every time i got up on my feet
i did so closing my eyes for a bit
telling myself if you dont look at the sun
then its ok
if you got the sun in you, no matter
whether you see it shine

every time i got up on my feet i
did so letting go of something
or locking up small treasures
i never left an imprint, never cared to use my voice
most things i built on nothing
and still, i built them

and still,
it's all gone now

every time i got up on my feet
i shrugged or frowned
i put a smile on my face
i said i always win
not one time did i find the time,
the place to feel at ease
i did it all by myself despite myself
i know it was the only way
and i made it

but you know,
it's all gone now

i want to write to everyone, Everyone, at least that i could do, though it wouldn't make sense, so i won't, but here i am.
i want her to know i've changed, i want him (oh i dreamed of him the other night, it was strange) to know ive changed. im sorry, im so sorry, i couldnt see you guys clearly, understand what you meant, i just drowned in loneliness, even if you were there for me, i wanted to see it but i couldnt, for the most part. i KNOW this is weird and whatevs but i was reading a book and now im thinking more or less the way the characters write, and think, and i needed this somewhere. (i dont know whats up with the long sentences though, that's not them, that's me, i think.)
i want to erase my past because i feel like there was a long time in which i couldn't change, i couldn't grow, i was just hurting everyone and hurting myself and i did try to get out of that but i didn't have any clarity, i believed in everything i saw (which weren't many different things, it was all tinted in me, me, me). and i knew i didn't have that clarity, at times, but i didn't let you know, i guess, and i dont know how you stayed with me when i was so mean, i was so mean! for no reason. i didnt mean to. but i felt misunderstood, as you do, and i couldnt find a way to blame myself, or rather, to understand that thats how it is, when you cant get out is hard for other people to get you out.
anyways, a late thank you, i know you know, but thank you, and im sorry. i know you know. just... i am.
i cant stand who i was, but the thing is, i dont understand who i am now, either. no, that's not it. i dont know who im supposed to be. where should i go, etc.
ive been trying not to hurt anyone, and i have succeded some times, but ive become more and more isolated, in a way. in many ways. i dont know. and i STILL dont know how to manage everything that happens to me, though there are a few new things (because ive been hurting myself... without realising it) (and maybe because the world has changed) (but anyway) - but! im still clueless about a certain kind of feelings, in fact these days i am uncertain of every kind of feeling, and i tell myself its okay because no one can see them, only me, but of course i cant go on like this because well, i cant go on.
the funny, and at the same time, the obvious thing, is that the emotions that damage me the most are the same as they used to be. theyre just assigned to different things - and not even, just parts of them. and the not funny part is i feel that theyre more true now, that they make more sense, in general. there's an undeniable truth. and yet! there isn't. what i mean is, i cant stop thinking how do people live knowing the world's like this? and i know that, well, in that case you should just accept it, girl, but i cant and its hard and. i have a point, right? (not really, i know.)
that wasn't what i wanted to talk about, was it?
so the funny thing that DOES have to do with was i was saying is that even after all this time im still confused about the SAME thing which is: i only need the thing i cant figure out. which is, of course... yes. so that's the thing(TM), and im sorry! and i made it even worse now because i think im so broken that i couldnt do you any good and it would be such a mess. (it would have been a mess anyway.)
hmmmm. there's something i'm not quite getting to say. im missing something. what is it? let me think.
i hate my past self so much that i want to be someone new, and i am, but i dont have room to build a new me because it's all filled with fear, so that's all i am now, pretty much empty except for the dread. and still i am glad, because i am better, this is better for everyone, even for me, but this has to go as well. it has to change. and do i believe it can change? yes, most days yes, but also most days, im scared it wont.
but ive changed guys, i see it now.
and to the others, i try, i try, i try. some of you i miss you every day. but i cant move sometimes, you know? i cant even move. imagine talking to you.
im so tired i cant even cry (actually, i have learnt to cry i think, this past two or three years. which is a good thing, maybe?). but i get up. i cant even move, but most days i do. and i see now what you did for me, and how there's no one like you anymore, and i wonder why that is. but i get up. i dont wear my loneliness as a silent trophy anymore, i just shrug and try to go on. try to talk to someone. there's no one like you, everyone hates the subject, and i hate to bring it up. im sorry, back then i couldnt tell you that i knew what you meant to me. and now i cant tell you that i understand that even more. ive gained that clarity, guys, i made it. i wanted you to know i did it.
so that's something. i wish i let you know back then.