i need to get better at getting worse so i can get better at what i do.

pick up the pieces that matter
draw the borders

build my home

[06 10 09]

Turpentine, Pizarnik
mis huesos de polvo
mis palabras hechas polvo

le doy lo que quiero tener
señor amanecer
ya era tarde cuando lo encontré

esperaré




-




El "podría haber", otra vez.
qué pasó
Me enterré en las verdades
pero mis ojos
mis ojos no lo entendieron





-




Elevarme a otro estado
ser vapor en el vapor
hasta que algo me obligue a pestañear
y brillar diferente
de no brillar




-




El río no está seco.
está congelado y
Siento el frío,
no soy parte de él.

Esto es sólo el principio pero se desvanece
y su sombra
sus últimas palabras son más fuertes


kids running while i drown
i run
in circles




-




te meto para mezclarte
que seas otra
ya no eres nada
pero yo no soy nada sin ti

y qué podría importar
qué podría importar




-




tal vez hoy sea el día
pero siempre es el día y el momento
yo me ciego anticipando el recuerdo

sí, uno tiene que cambiar.




-




me miente la necesidad
y creo que es verdad
la verdad de los demás

me hubiera fugado cuando tenía a dónde ir,
ahora sólo me conozco así
y sólo me conozco a mí.

las islas me salvan,
son islas que tampoco conozco
del todo

la vergüenza me miente,
las islas me mienten




-




[12 10 09]

"todo lo que tienes que hacer es sentir la furia".
Estoy desenterrando el principio
y en el casillero final
y al final
cuál de todas seré

ojos bien abiertos
para dejar entrar el mar

el viento?
no, puedo morder el viento.
puedo devorarlo.

encerrarnos, enterrarnos
querer salir
y me rompe y vuelvo a ser
nada más




-




[13 10 09]

Tanto pensar qué decir y al final para qué
sólo para hundirme más en mí misma




-




There's always something you don't know
i've created two or three or a thousand worlds
but i always need one more




-




[14 10 09]
[nox conoce a Sombra]

y por qué una casa?
una casa en un jardín.
un jardín de lo que no olvido
y una casa donde creo recuerdos
insignificantes
desde el momento
en que entendí dónde estaba.

un jardín también quise y construí
y una casa porque tengo que probar que soy
y a quién si no hay nadie
a quién si no hay dónde

porque al fin
no lo niegues
tú y yo existimos

yo existo para probar que existo
tú existes para dejar de existir
para engañarte
para creer que tu mundo es otro

yo existo para gritar el silencio
tú existes para encontrarlo
pero -no lo dije yo- el silencio no existe
tú existes para buscar y para dejar de buscar
para creer que tu silencio es otro

una casa
por tener muros que pintar
que escribir que rayar
que rasgar
por ver todo
por abrazar las sombras
por escuchar el eco de mis gritos
por mostrar una parte
a los extraños

incendiemos todas las ausencias

ávida.
mentirosa.

empujo para que se note menos que me empujan.
y quién está detrás

quién usó mis palabras
                                     antes que yo

...always

am i right where i need to be
or is this another distraction?
is this how i'm supposed to feel
i've been trying to let go

is there a change you need to see
or is this another disaster?
tell me how i'm supposed to feel
i've been trying to let go

(oh... why won't you wake up?)

terminé el cuaderno 11.


-

[10 02 09] - nox

they were ten.
the girl who never spoke a word is screaming in your ears again. whispering your worst fears.


[06 03 09]

atrapada porque hasta las palabras se me pierden.

sé lo que me hace mal y lo que me hace bien.
pero estoy siempre luchando contra las dos cosas.


cuando la multitud afuera era demasiada
y ella ocupaba casi toda la casa
con sus sueños y palabras de silencio
flotando alrededor,
nox tuvo que dejarla ir.
había olvidado qué era perder
y que los fantasmas no se fueran.


[13 03 09]

nada tiene sentido,
pero tal vez pueda inventarle uno.


[02 04 09]




[03 04 09]

complicar todo es mi especialidad.
romper cosas para probar mi capacidad de arreglarlas.


[10 05 09] - smux

-sky, where are we going?
-you'll forget about the sun.


[ ? ]

the stars that cut through my heart
i already counted them one day.


[09 06 09]

this time it's alright
but be careful when you fall
because no one's there at all.


[22 06 09] (borrador del blog)

it's been a while and it's not always been the same.

[22 08 09]

cuando decía que no importaba porque igual era una partícula insignificante, igual que lo que yo pensaba que era lo más importante y quien yo pensaba que era demasiado.

dejé de buscar, volví a intentar, me comparé con otros tiempos, con otras historias, envidié, quise hacer que me envidiaran, me escondí, quise hacer que me buscaran.
me perdí. quise que me encontraran.

empecé un millón de veces. empiezo un millón de veces.

un aroma y un dolor familiares. un entorno distinto. todo se mete y se mezcla aunque yo salga o crea que me voy. mi casa no está en ningún lado, es todo lo que va cambiando y volviendo.

todo tiene más sentido cuando no lo tiene, y cada vez que es más tarde hay más tiempo para empezar.

cuando no hay nada más para decir, se acumulan muchas más cosas. repetir es sentirse débil. descubrir las distintas caras, mostrar sólo las nuevas, es sentirse casi vacío.

las noches son todas iguales, salvo cuando estás vos. los días son diferentes, salvo cuando no hay nadie.

me pierdo en los laberintos que yo misma creé. me olvido qué había a la salida.

tiemblo y recuerdo golpes. cierro los ojos y recuerdo pesadillas.
y después veo cómo el aire es más claro ahora, la luz flota en todas las cosas.

y al principio cómo era? mucho más rápido pero de otra manera. lo peor fue en el medio. cuando no supe cómo. aunque fuera mejor para el resto. y ahora cómo es? no estoy segura de entender todo. no estoy segura del todo. pero sí un poco más que antes, que en el medio, y que al principio aunque yo no lo sabía. ahora lo sé y aunque no sea todo, es cada vez más, y menos de lo innecesario.

ahora los destellos del sol y la luna me rozan la piel. lo que extraño se hunde en mí mientras lo que no tengo inunda todo adentro mío. lo que sé, lo que tengo, lo que amo, fluye.

el problema siempre es el futuro. la parte que espero y que no sé, por supuesto. la parte que creo saber no es suficiente.
y el problema no sería un problema sin el pasado.
pero las cosas se mezclan y mi casa siempre estuvo en todas partes, en distintos momentos que fueron y volvieron y van y vuelven para hacer diferentes combinaciones.

el problema son las consecuencias. éstas, que son las consecuencias de lo que pasó, y las que van a ser consecuencias de esto.

siempre me conocí bien. ahora pude conocer otras cosas y hacerlas parte de mí. pude ser parte de otras cosas. ahora puedo más que antes.
a veces hay límites. siempre hay maneras pero es difícil encontrarlas.
a veces prefiero no entender; es más fácil encontrar salidas así que si creo que entiendo algo y aún así no puedo hacer nada.
a veces todo se mezcla y cuando cierro los ojos sólo veo pesadillas.

cuando me voy a dormir espero no soñar. cuando me despierto espero respirar. caminar lentamente de las nubes a la tierra siguiendo corrientes de aire.
cuando abrazo la almohada, cuando tengo frío. cuando hago el café y las listas.

"el mapa y las pistas".
tal vez lo vamos armando.
y desarmando.
y otra vez.

otra vez, a veces. tal vez a veces sea para siempre.
tal vez siempre vea lo mismo al cerrar los ojos, y tal vez siempre haya excepciones.
como cuando estás o no hay nadie.
cuando otro tiempo y espacio y éste son lo mismo.

mañana cuando relea esto lo voy a entender de otra manera.


-

reflections in broken mirrors.
the pieces fit.

¿sé demasiado?

todo lo que digo, todo lo que escribo es tan superficial.

20 names to songs i'll never write:

01. what happened

02. my lies are all i have
03. alone, scared and gone
04. lie and love

05. the bitter taste of the best moments
06. they see nowhere
07. the imprint
08. asphyxiate and fly
09. i'm not like you but i like you
10. and so it carried me away

11. if it's not you, this can't be us
12. all of a sudden, all of me

13. swallow the bullet

14. rollercoaster (do you remember me?)

15. you're all so weak and blurry
16. out of all the things i love, you are my favorite
17. big mistakes in small places
18. maybe forever
19. let it out (i just want to see your eyes when you look at what i've done)

20. i won't need you if you're not here but i'll be there if you need me

headphones on, volume up
still my favorite songs and dreams seem so far away.

a terrible love song, you sang it so sweet.


it happened so fast i can't even remember the feeling.

sweaty and sleepy,
like every other time.
i don't know what it was,

i can see right through your eyes,
inside and outside

and now that we are the same,
everything's got to change.


"i'm sorry i'm not what you need,
i'm sorry i'm not what i need to be".

somewhere between the lines
of the letters we wrote
and too much talking on the phone
somewhere between the times i run into you
and "i don't believe in coincidences",
we got caught up
and i locked every door.

"never", like the coldest wind.
like the haunting nightmare.

we fear to be free.

"never", but was it a lie?
things are not what you expect them to be.

the smoke, the lights off
we share something deeper tonight.

"i can never let you go".

but i don't even remember the feeling.
just one word.


right now i feel like i've gone two years back.
it's all here again.
if this is it then i don't want to grow up.
because right now i feel like the most important part
of everything i am
has left me.

the worst part is i need you more than anything.

i remember every word you said.
how i couldn't get you at all
but still wanted to know.
i remember trying to change you.
well look at us now,
i'd never thought we'd end up like this.


the scenery changes
all the time.
but we both need something to hold on to.

i never thought it'd break us apart,
but i never thought we'd depend on it
as something else than love.

the meaning changes
all the time.
i can see right through your eyes.
"more than anyone", you said.
more than anything in the world.

and yet there's so much more.

holding on to only a ghost.
my greatest possession is something that doesn't exist.

esto lo subí ya veinte veces a veinte lugares diferentes, pero creo que pocas veces me describí tan bien.



[29 06 06]

la sombra líquida se desliza por tus manos imitando el juego de los pájaros en el atardecer de aquel día cuando me dijiste que nunca más, que para siempre y te quedaste.

i believed i could be more than just a stupid kid pretending to be a whore that pretends to be nice. i ask you why is my reflection cutting my sky with its stare, i ask you why your reflection is cutting my sky when stars rain and waves of light are suffocating my only shadow,
my ghost is crawling in your skin,
i ask you, cant you see it?
can you please, please ignore it?
ignore me-

now you'll keep me twirling around your sea
you know i got a spyglass
you know i got my dreamship

you know i'd break my cristal sphere
if you could understand
that i dont want to break the music
it's not me that's killing all the words
you built so recklessly

but right now you know i wont fail
i burnt my eyes for you once
i found you lost in a palace of grey

it's just a name,
scream at me,
it's just a name...

ese día que me esmero en guardar porque no hay otro, porque de lo contrario no habría días, ay ese día me hiciste caer
en tu cueva
encadenada pero sin darme cuenta porque
nunca dijiste
cuando insinuaste
que era cierta
cada palabra que construiste tan torpemente, fácilmente, rápidamente,

tu sombra gris y líquida por mis venas y ese día

behind my eyes
your song

es más de lo mismo, más de lo mismo y por eso quiero conservarlo,
lo viejo, desgastado, renovado, brilla, brilla, brilla, fluye pero por qué
por qué tuve que

i know-
i know it's just a name
i'm just a name expecting to
be your name
be like your name
your shadow

silver eyes
tell me
where am i
in your cave
in your cage
on the stage

acting
acting like my name
your play
your shadow
falling like rain..

-


ah sí, y recién ahora me doy cuenta de que hoy es 29 del 06. já :D .

or maybe i should just shut up.

"let's get this over with", she said.
and so we did, and it felt better than any time before.
yet it was not love, there was something else...

more confusion to my dizzy head.
but with some strange feeling of satisfaction.

"now i'm the same as you".
nothing will change but everything is going to feel different.

"i'll create something,
i wish this night was all for me


you inspire me
as my words expire


this is my masterpiece


i'm gonna create something you can't break




is it friday already?
thank god i don't have a life
on the other side of this road

there isn't a door to close anymore"




except then i walked in and i couldn't be me,
the air was thick as it's always been.


i can't stay here waiting.
i need action.
i need only me surrounding me.
"leave me alone!"


[i'll bite my tongue because all i really want to do is bite yours]




i came in and it went out
of me like a scream
but you'd never hear 'cause you're too busy talking
about something i won't listen to either

but you won't notice
because you're too busy speaking


jumping around and wasting around
the sweat's gotta be your ink
the mess is gonna show
but after it's well hidden
till i gain control


you're a freak but you fit so well
years of training aren't for nothing
you're bored and anxious but you fit so well
speaking calmly as you stare




the best and the worst
the bitter and the cold
what you forgot
and "what's going on?"




i know you better than yourself because i know your worst part
the one you can't hide and you'll never see
'cause it's in everything you do
it's all inside you and all around you
and it blurs your eyes
when you try to define
who you are

and so we stand and so we stare
and so you turn your back
but i won't come and find you
i won't surprise you because that's what you expect

(my mouth is shut,
dry from screaming the truth
when no one can hear me
surrounded by walls
made of all my mistakes

and the windows i look through
are just the things i never had
and they're getting blurry too
when i try to decide
who i am)

we betrayed ourselves and there's something we can't deny
we don't want to find out that things could go wrong
even if we do it right, and so
we betrayed ourselves and everyone else
and so we stand and we walk
away
again
as it runs through our veins

"i know we share something
and it'll always come down to this".




boring
disappointing
overwhelming

ending. right here. again and forever.

[02 02 09]

maybe it's because i don't say it enough.

because i know that half of the times you won't understand.

but maybe i should take the chance.

because i'll never know how the other half feels.

i've always said empty is better than torn apart,
there's nothing to take away if there's nothing there.

but there's always something. we can't deny it.
i can say i saw it coming but it doesn't make it much more easy to deal with.

and maybe it's better the other way around,
so if they take something away i still have a lot.
or enough.

because now it's not enough.

maybe i think i'm giving everything, but i'm missing something.

i don't know.
someone explain myself to me.


-

i don't feel like i'm awake, but i'm not dreaming.

there's trust and there's love and there's laughter
confidence
and freedom
in here somewhere.

i don't say the words i used to
when they made it easy to fall to the ground
and made it hard to fall asleep.

i'm going to find them and let myself go
because i've already found the will
and i'm slowly gaining strenght.

and the parts i don't understand
and can't build or break
well i'm sure they're going to show
when i'm just myself again.

[24 05 09]

yes, i get it, thank you.
i may screw up a lot but it's all part of the process, right?

yet there are some things i can't deny.

"look at me,
look for me,
look after me."


flying free is good but sometimes i need direction.

i might be missing the point.




it all melts down too quickly.
perspective changes so fast, even if i feel i've seen everything so many times
in so many ways-
not enough.

"i can predict the next carcrash",

the dust settles.
i open my eyes so slowly.
sometimes i don't think i could ever wake up.

i know you can see it in my eyes.
but sometimes you'd just rather not look.

it's funny how it all comes and goes.
but they only see a part of it and so they stare
but don't bother to ask.

my eyes close so slowly
i sometimes don't think
i can ever truly sleep again.


enjoy the simple things.
i can't stop dreaming and hating.
i can't stop loving.

(going back to numb
is so tempting.
but i've decided
i can be better.)

it all happens so fast while i change so
so slowly.
sometimes i think i could never dream again.
but i think i've decided
that maybe
i could be better.


expectations kill.
some surprises bring you back to life.

some words are useless but
sometimes one word is all you need.


destroy me or take my hand.
but don't you dare walk away.


i wasn't lying, it's just that
sometimes i forget who i am.

feeling like i'm late again.
comparing myself to everybody else,
it really doesn't change a thing.

comparing myself to who i used to be,
well it reminds me
this ride is too slow
but i'm still here,
and i keep moving-

but sometimes i need direction.
sometimes i need to feel it in my skin.
in my hands.
the earth in my feet.

i hope you don't see it in my eyes
if you'd rather not ask
or stay to listen.

flying free is good but sometimes i need a home
and new places to explore
without being just a shadow
of what's so long gone.

-


i can't believe how much i've learnt and how much i still have to learn.
how many paths i've walked, all that's still waiting for me
and all the things i'll never see or feel.

closing doors until my lungs are filled with water.
your words are like knives to my heart.

but you know what they say...

my ghost will stab you in the back.

casi sin intentarlo, retrocedí una estación. menos mal.

"how much?"
lo mínimo, pero voy hasta el final - para volver otra vez.
las posibilidades de que me descubran son pocas, no?

"how much do you..."
las posibilidades de que me descubran...

i fell asleep on the ride.
the train stopped.
as i open my eyes it starts moving, so slow,
back home.

el boleto está escondido en mi abrigo,
tardo en encontrar las llaves aunque siempre estuvieron en el mismo lugar.
recuerdo al sentir el metal frío en mis manos.

at the end of the tunnel
there was a second of light
before i started moving back,

there was a silent smile
before i erased all the tracks;

everything i said is gone with the wind,
everything i've done is locked under the floor,

all that i've seen
is painted on these walls,

the stars on the ceiling
dance with me at night
and remind me of everything new.

i drown in ink as the sky keeps dripping down.
ready for the flood,
gone too soon.

"not that much really",
but the room looks brighter
and it's easier to see the scars.