it’s hard to talk about things
time goes by and i’d rather just... drift

which things do i keep separate
what am i doing that i... can’t be whole

cold season, cloudy season
spring heat feels odd
uncomfortable, like i’m out of place
but today it is winter and it’s cold
and there’s snow and it feels... dull
i’m not sad, i think, i’m not too bad
i feel like i just want to stay still but that’s a tiny bit unsettling

so many emotions i haven’t yet explored
so many years i haven’t still let go
and why isn’t it okay anyway
what’s the world trying to tell me

what’s my soul trying to tell me

and when a piece breaks off
how do i know where it came from
should i? should i know?
and when the fire rests
why does it feel i burn myself

trying to balance action and inaction
love and change
peace and... revolution, i guess

it’s hard to talk about things when you end up saying the same
you always do
i feel there’s something much deeper i cannot, still, put into words

why do i worry
why are there things to worry about
how do they love me
how do i want to love the most

if i hate this world then why do i wanna live
if i wanna live then why don’t i feel alive
why so tired, why hold on
or maybe why, why do i want to feel anything at all

don’t you think feeling nothing is... a tiny bit unsettling
there’s no nothing, there’s just the feeling that there’s nothing
yes, emptiness
it just fluctuates between anguish and resignation

and if you don’t expect then why would you want to live
but strangely, i do
maybe i’m still silently waiting, hoping
while thinking there’s no way
and that’s why it hurts

(seems so obvious when you say it out loud
but inside it feels so... like something has to reconcile)

is it possible to ‘accept’ things without feeling like you’ve given up?
and like you could have, maybe, not given up?
or that maybe the world could have given you another chance
or as silly as it may sound, some reassurance that it’s okay?
or maybe
that it’s a lonely road
that it may hurt but it doesn’t make much sense if you tell

that’s why it’s hard to talk about things
i’m not complaining, it’s just what’s happening is not important
it’s what i’m feeling
i just wanna say stay
let’s wait it out it’ll be okay

i’ll make decisions later,
i will write about it later
maybe
right now i wish for two things
to just drift,
and meet you somewhere along the way










































[b- sides]



there's also something about
feeling angry because a part of me feels that it it has to apologize
and (al)so i
try to consider if i should and what it would
do
i just wanna do whatever i don't want to know what happens next

/////


i always wanna feel something but i wanna mildify it, or sadify it


///

some things i can't change, i get that
but the thing is people keep asking me to change them



///

my feeling is not sadness
or maybe it is, at its core
but then there's just
dissatisfaction, a bit of shame, a bit of anger

and anxiety i don't know where it comes from
sometimes i think it's not the same thing, it crosses it tangentially