but the real question is
who are you when you're weaker

no pillars to help you stand,
no pain to act as a bridge
a parallel path

when you're most translucent,
pure water
but you still feel your knees

when the fire is blue and red and your voice is dead
when there's only yourself but you're everything but
it's so empty

who are you then
that's where you are

but before
there was quiet

perdí algo en el camino
sé que mi destino es entregar lo que tengo,
mostrar afuera lo de adentro

pero aún me hago tantas preguntas
que está bien, a veces, volver

antes había silencio
cosas azules
no sé cuándo fue
que algunas de ellas
empezaron a abrumarme
(casi una paradoja),
pero de todos modos
allí estaba el mar

lo de ahora ya no me hace mal,
but i think i could go back
integrar

ya pude discernir,
ahora me toca unir.

maybe there are only waves
and i should, like that old lyric said
drown carefully

sand is softer now
but still
there's shadows
but maybe it's only eternity
painting its trace

sunshine's more pure now but i still get burned
dawns are sunsets
nights go by
quietly
maybe every morning
a piece of me transforms
maybe everything resonates,
maybe nothing unfolds

maybe there's only everything,
only waves and i should
dream on

before i start, before i begin
waves again and the sky is grey
it turns red as i look
i found out too late
where i grew and where i lost
i'm a spinning mess but at least i know what's next

i've been careful without being still
i met you without asking questions
i put myself first, it didn't feel like sacrifice
i don't care if you noticed

before i get up
some reassurance i don't have
i hope this magic doesn't wear out

i grew tired and medicated but i needn't say a word
i still see the dawn
red but that's just
cause it's too early

try not to think how long it'll last

hope this magic don't wear out
so much comes from me when i know nothing comes from me

it's my body and my routine
that still aches and struggles to live

if you look closely you can see the birds
welcoming the sun

i'm breathless but my eyes are open
my hands are shaking but my heart is open

still something says, don't let me be wrong
but i want to correct it,
please let me be strong

nothing's clear, nothing's light
but aren't we all
just walking by

(and how do you know if there's dark)

it's not even about balance,
it's about trust
what would you think made the sky red
what made it blue
aren't we made of the same colours
and warmth and heavy rain

[also as a bonus to the previous post... this was from december/january]

[these kind of unintentionally form a series so....]





I [8/6/2019]

today
in the midst of floating bokeh
where the rain meets a thousand hearts and smiles
i thought about away, in many ways
a little sense of small in the middle of it all

it gets a bit mixed up,
what i'm trying to say
today was full of roses
because i believe
the garden calls

a sense of expansion, too
which seems the right opposite of the events
but i can only be here if i listen
if i let the flowers grow

a reminder, i am careful
although i don't have to,
i can promise you that
being new is as important as staying true,
or should i say
being new is being true is being you

today
where autumn and spring are one and the same
i simply stayed
hid a bit among pretty flowers
and said 'okay'.






II [21/4/2019]

didn't miss you today
but i don't remember you
how can you keep it all in your arms
i've been closing my eyes too much
i can make half of me stay focused
i can store things away
how do you keep i tall
i've been forgetting you
until later

heard your voice today
made me wish this was our every morning
and then over coffee i
thought about all the things
i've been thinking about
counting breaths, counting flowers
said i'll see you later
definitely
smiled for a second and then i had to go

how do you talk about it all
do you keep some things
only for me?
i still think about it, in the distance
you, the only cozy pace
our own little world with everything from outside

how do you hold it all together
while i'm here just
thinking about thinking
about when it is too much





III [today]

my heart drowns
is the fire lonelier?
i don't feel cold but i don't feel anything
if i could just melt or dissolve

your scent somehow-
i think of your voice
and everything that's pretty
i remember all the flowers
how they bloomed all at the same time
and then, i left

but you were waiting

does jupiter bring clarity
i am everything but i feel nothing
this ocean goes on forever
if only i could drift and dissolve

but the fire is still hopeful
as sparks ascend to the sky
somehow your scent, and the stars
a different kind of flowers and your eyes

and so i'm waiting
trying not to wait
only watching the waves
a small cosmos, and your name

[30/8/2019]

build a bridge with new wood
next to a cozy fire

if i belong to the ocean
why do these waves seem so foreign

por qué reducir todo a sí
o no
reducir así
cada paso a escaleras
a barrancas

subir la estufa, calentar el café
siete mañanas preciosas
me esperan en algún lugar

(por qué un idioma o el otro
cuántas letras
si hay un ritmo)

por qué pensar tan adelante
chocarme, frenar de golpe
si todavía no salí
tantos pájaros y flores
veredas que pisar

por qué recubrir todo
"los recuerdos son así"
unen los puntos
forman la red

quizás

por qué mirar por sobre el hombro
solo se trataba
de no cerrar los ojos

por qué cantar sobre adioses
nada contradice tu voz
la luz del sol

sad sad sad sad
lonely for no reason
failed to put on a ribbon like a present
but i do treasure what needs to
how would the sunshine feel
oh someone told me
a reminder that i cant
but i want to treasure what i love
im all love, i know
do they know

another day
wake up get up enjoy
the little things
theyre not small sometimes and
i want to treasure what fills me
all love

you know why i cant write anything these days its because i try too hard to be normal

[22/1/2019]

i remembered my love for you
so simply
wish i had something to attach to it
but it is only that, and that
feels pretty weird
but i understand it

i want to be okay always
so that we can keep talking
about anything

a common spell
a thread i cannot...

i saw you on the other side
the glass was cold but the drink was...
were you dancing
or was i just

i let go and i go
meet me there
i know you said yes
in a language i cannot...

oh we're always going through the motions
but today everything
went down
lights dimmed suddenly, too
but you got your own don't you
there's no room for...
in no time i
went up

meet me there

the ice was cold but the drink was...
and our harmony
tied us tight

this is it, right?
again

the candlelight was warm
but you were...
galaxies were cold
but they were here
filled the room

the waves were...
and i said the right words
the only spell
in a language i cannot

but if i try to explain
i get no answers

the drinks were on the floor
slowly
expanding
galaxies turned, they moved
but they were
here

everything quiets down
and our voices say...

but if i think of it
i get no answers
but i don't want them

there's a faint glow
no after
you've got your own don't you
and i do, too
i do too

[? 2018]

something gentle
could it balance this somehow
bring some tangent
a soft ray of sunlight

if i could feel on my ankles
the water of the stream
how cold should it be

something gentle enough,
but also sharp enough
could it help balance this
be cold so i don't have to be

[10/9]

hold me
i need to let go of this
for a little while
i'll close my eyes, hope that's okay
i might tremble, slightly
while i get used to the warmth in your hands

tell me it's okay to feel tired
is there a lot i can give to you
if... if there's fire in my soul but i'm this weak?
sometimes it feels i can't be there for myself
but i can be there for you

but then i remember
i am here, it's just
i can't be like them
is there still
something i can give you if
i have nothing of me
to show

tell me it's okay to be wrong
to lose against yourself sometimes

hold me, i need to stop trying
for a little while

how hard it is to explain
i don't want to feel this much,
i don't want to think this much

i want to be like you but it's too late

tell me it's okay to be angry
it's in my nature
i make mistakes, i regret things
it's okay
but i would regret less if i knew
it's okay

help me breathe
while i let go of this
for a little while

i don't want to say 'i'm sorry'

peach pink dawn
a streak does a wrapping twist around me
a traveler
carrying their home with them

invisible to the eyes of strangers,
amazing to some insiders
on the same journey
but she's a fire who knows the rain well
a ghost with a strong core

how luminous can you be
how long do stars stay alive
how much does the sun weigh
how much does the moon
give you back

dawn breaks
despite all ive done
mountains seem too high for me

"are you sure? if you go up there you can't do anything."

you know, when it sparks
even with your eyes closed
a few misteps-- but its there
hear your own voice
see your own memories
picture others', too
its on your fingertips
again
youre sure
this is how it was before
but then when you actually grab it
when youre ready to feel the rush
something pushes you aside, separates you from you
you wanna stay where you were but
it is fake now
and you feel nothing

lie down a while, keep on with your day
theres an aftertaste of unsureness
oh, dont spiral down again
how to compensate
how many holes do you keep in your heart
how much empty space
ah how to compensate
what to untie

it lights up again
but you know best
stay still
maybe you dont need your heart
or maybe it will figure itself out
at some point

such simple things
can make you spin

and you push you aside,
just a little bit
stay still
watch it go
how many holes
do you carry in your heart
well you dont know
youre just looking from a distance
away

:(