[14 03 08]

i need to hear you, remember the glow in your eyes
when i go to sleep i hope not to dream of you





[ sentirme pequeña y viva ]





please be with me all the time
when i go to sleep i hope to think of you
when i wake;






-
(qué le pasó a mi capacidad de escribir cosas así?)

when you see how nothing makes sense
but you're still holding on tight
when you realize you'll never understand
but you still hope for something to change-

the sparks of moonlight in the sea
and all the things we know
letting go to come back then
to find home is somewhere else;


it's not peace.
it's not anything else.

it's not emptiness,
it's not feeling fulfilled.

it's just the illusion of stopping
somewhere along the road
while time keeps moving.

...no story ever told
could say anything i haven't heard before.

do i need a change or is all of this just a lie?

i'm not playing along anymore.
still listening.
still breaking down and making things up.
still watching you go blind everytime.



-

[07 11 08]

did you turn the music off already?
i'd rather keep quiet laying on the floor.

really it's all about how you do what you want
and how you let them know what you want.
it's really about nothing else
than trying to find some balance between the way it's alright for you
and the way you don't feel alone.


there are always songs and mirrors
and homes and roads.

contradiction, and then it's not.

-


in time i only get bored.
i only find better ways to avoid what i need.

find a better word as i forget how to speak.

renuncio a mí.
puedo escucharte y moverme a tu ritmo.

el viento atraviesa mis manos y mi sombra.

me escondí bajo tus ojos,
pero nunca llorarás por mí.
desapareceré.




(cuando me mires no me vas a ver caer.
y ahora que me encontrás acá- )




la luz atraviesa mis manos y mi sombra.
la tuya se escondió bajo mis ojos,
pero nunca me verás soñar
ni te darás cuenta al desaparecer.

how much, how many times.
more, less, in and out.
sometimes never all the time.


[19 03 09]

please come back, nox whispered.

of course they wouldn't listen.




spinning. again.
she hit herself against the floor.


embrace the void.
embrace the empty.

-


when i am gone i'll leave no bones, no dust, no death, no love, no home;
just emptiness,
and all of this
is nothing nothing nothing-

maybe staying up all night.
maybe listening to the same song over and over.
maybe knowing that you're there, somewhere, away.

watch me get dizzy and sick.

take a walk.

a second of silence an clean air.
i'm still asleep.

get in again.

por un segundo no dependí de nada.




i'm not letting it come back so soon.
for once, i'm keeping this close enough.
i wished you would hear me when i say thank you.

and when i say goodbye to them.

tal vez esperó a que todos los autos aceleraran para cruzar la calle. o tal vez corrió hasta el borde y después no pudo detenerse. o tal vez se olvidó de que no sabía nadar, y saltó al fondo cuando no había nadie cerca.

tal vez el mundo se movía sólo si ella lo hacía.
tal vez, mientras ella dormía, las cosas volvían a su lugar o se acomodaban de acuerdo a lo necesario.

tal vez ella hizo que las palabras salieran de sus bocas y de sus manos.
tal vez, cada vez que ella pestañeaba, alguien abría los ojos.

tal vez ella era el sueño de alguien, o miles de sueños como los que ella no tenía.

tal vez no había luces, ni trenes, ni aire.
tal vez mientras caminaba, las cosas se deshacían.
las nubes se deshilachaban,
los árboles se desenredaban.

tal vez ella ya estaba en casa, y no podía detenerse.

tal vez no había memoria, ni estrategias.
y ella se desarmaba cada vez, sin aire y sin piezas.
tal vez las cosas que rompía eran otras.
y ella estaba ahí, nunca y siempre y sin aire.

actos de rebeldía que después no apruebo.

lo siento en cada parte de mi cuerpo,
siento cada parte.

quiero que no importe quién ni por qué.

"take a closer look".

[19 01 09]

mi vida es aprender a dejar de ser yo.

los límites no son claros. no existen en realidad.
a veces no puedo distinguir entre dejar de cegarme y dejar de salvarme.
entre tratar de entender y obsesionarme con cosas que es mejor olvidar.
entre amarme y odiarme.
entre amarlos y odiarlos.

y entre ser sincera y libre, y estar equivocada.

hasta ahora los mejores resultados los obtuve ocultándome.

necesito decir algo que no me haga sentir la persona más estúpida del mundo.
necesito decir algo que me haga sentir que cambié, pero que puedo serme fiel a mí misma.


"alejarte de ti y luego extrañarte, es todo lo que haces".

-

and i never want to let you down;
forgive me if i slip away,
sometimes it's hard to find the ground.
'cause i keep on falling as i try to get away
from this crazy world.

maybe you should make a list for me
of everything important in this world
in a note of urgency
'cause i don't know how to feel,

i threw everything out that doesn't make sense
to find a thousand more things that don't make sense,
and i can't help but get lost in a fault like this
when i don't know how to hide myself in open air
where i'm all alone, alone, alone.



careful now, you'll hurt yourself;
careful now, you'll hurt, you'll hurt someone...



it never stops and i don't really want to get there,
i get lost in the ride.
then realize i miss home,
but it's not here, anywhere
so better get lost in the ride,
telling myself i'm leaving something behind
to find something new,
when i'm really just repeating everything i've done
over and over again.









careful now, you'll hurt yourself;
careful now, you'll hurt, you'll hurt someone else.

it's the other way around. they NEVER told me what i wanted to hear.

it's been a while.

tu ventana está empañada de sueños
y la mía está sellada con pesadillas.

tal vez si cerramos los ojos
sea más fácil encontrar el resto.

so, should i stay? should i tremble and remain?
or run away, leaving nothing else to say?

and i know why it was so hard to see me.
i wonder if by now i can trust my eyes.

qué estoy haciendo?
y por qué me pregunto qué estoy haciendo?

i am the one who's wrong.


qué bipolar, histérica y extremista que me pone el alcohol. no me importa nada y estoy eufórica (bueno, para ser yo). después me doy cuenta de todo y quiero morirme. después me doy cuenta de todo y estoy bien. y después empiezo a notar el dolor en cada parte de mi cuerpo, me siento enferma y todo lo que quiero es abrazar a mi almohada y que nadie me pregunte dónde estoy.




edit: por suerte a veces hay cosas hasta mejores que una almohada para abrazar, y que hacen que de vez en cuando no me despierte muerta de miedo (?), y que actually me quiera levantar.

i never told you, but it's all in your goodbyes. ♥

i need something.
something something something.

i play with the words y las paso entre mis manos.

i need something.
something to play with.
tension in a different way.
"feeling free, feeling free".
y con todo el poder.

more stories.
more fairytales.

i eat the words and then spit them out to make another combination.

or forgetting about myself.
so i can come back and be more.

something something something.

(the songs pouring in my head.
i twist them, they blur my thoughts.
something something else.)

like i said
(a song fills my mind),
nothing is enough.

i need something.
(a song fills my mind.
sing me a song i don't know.
a song i haven't heard before.)

break my bones and make me forget about everything else.
something something something
else.

i need tension in a different way.
like when you know where you're going and where you can't go.

something something something.

we're hiding in the shadows, she said.
come out, come out.
i've got a story to tell you.