terminé mi cuaderno número 10.


[28 08 08]

escribir canciones,
escucharlas camino a casa,

smux remembers johnny and cat,
and all the boys who came then went away
smux remembers every move, every note
every word
coming from their lips as liquid fire
every sound, every breath
every bed and every car.
we could be on the ride again.
he's going to run with his eyes closed
until he finds home again
and gets lost like everytime they were together.




[15 10 08]

no puedo dejar de pensar en vos, en mí, y en todo lo que está mal.
ayer dije: "...but i can't stop the love, the hate and the shame."
i love you.
i hate us.
i'm ashamed of almost everything i am.
and i love the other part.
but i always hide what i love,
so would you come and find it?

(tantas historias que casi nunca fueron casi nada.
tantos años, a veces es como si nunca hubieran pasado.
y a veces parecen ser toda mi vida.)




[22 10 08]

abrazar algo, todo esto,
lo que sólo yo puedo ver y tener,

y morir mañana antes de despertar.




[12 12 08 ~]

tu voz está tan lejos, y yo estoy tan cerca de lo que nunca tendré.
i need a punch in the face and a tear in my eye.
no puedo dejarlo escapar como ellos me dejaron morir.
i'm just waiting for the call, for another sunday morning
that brings me back to anything that stabs me in the heart.




[18 12 08]

just feeling warm,
light and with a clear view
protected,
and with no much need.

i'm coming back again,
i'm screaming i'm fine and then i'm not
but i'm coming back again,
i breath slowly sometimes and close my eyes
and everything is here
with me,


and then
the usual change of perspective,
everything's too overwhelming
i'm going down again,
then calming down

but it's still breaking me,
i'm coming back again
to what i've always been

everything's a mess in my head,
the good is bad and the bad is good
and everything just breaks me,


i need to remember
that this is what keeps me alive.

[hours later]

"i'm busy finding myself. please leave a note."

[hours later]

me dan miedo los instantes porque dentro mío
todo dura más de lo que puedo soportar.
tengo miedo de jugar al teléfono descompuesto conmigo misma (?),

al final
como en todo
tengo miedo de equivocarme.




[15 01 09]

i do fall in love, but only if it's completely impossible.




[17 01 09]

you've built your walls and i've built mine,
so how about we break them and fight on the same side?




-
side note: el tiempo lo cura todo, pensé, menos la verdad.