[29/5]

oh baby i don't wanna talk
my day's been gone like any other day
i've been trying to find the answers i don't want to try to find

i've been living alone
and you,
have you been living alone?

oh baby i don't want to teach you lessons
i know we've been doing fine,
why do we lose our minds?
why do i think i lost my mind?

baby i just want to feel your arms
while i look into your eyes

oh i, i don't wanna talk
we'll see tomorrow, we'll see how this all feels
we'll go on walking and saying how've you been
stepping on ice and then i'll look into your eyes

oh i believe you, but i don't wanna talk
it's (be)coming clearer but still there's a long road
and everything i thought would end
is becoming clearer in my head
and i know that you, too, understand

but that is too many words,
i just wanna say i'll hold you close

tomorrow & always

2/4. iv

i had a chance with them alone at one of the few small buildings in the area.

"be very careful of them," they said.

i couldn't reply because i knew they were right, but i also cared about the other ones deeply.

"do you trust some of them or are you still treating this as a kind of simulated experience, a new category which your mind has yet to limit and name?

"make no mistake, this is real. the reality of it just barely reaches you."

i know. they carried me in their arms. i know their touch.

"i am struggling, in fact," i mananged to say. "earth does not feel the same, sometimes. but i guess we both changed."

"ah," they said, "indeed. it takes a little while to get used to all the snow. you still have your house, right?"

"i'm trying to keep it, yes. maintaining it."

"good. you have a good spine too. though be careful, as you may tend to forget."

i looked around. how could a place feel cold and cozy at the same time?

"you're a curiosity, you adapt to everything but it takes you longer than the average. you can break any door, cut down any tree as soon as it's needed, to start forming a path. now the path itself... you have ghosts and that's okay. you use them."

i was silent again. i had no idea if they were right. i kept looking at the place and consciously feeling the strange warmth.

i remembered their warm hands.

everything had become ambiguous, the two sides of every coin more obvious.

i remembered the summer, where there was only the sun.

"i do have ghosts. that is why i'm careful. but i want then gone so sometimes i'm not." i paused and added, "i know i'm small and it's hard to carry all."

i closed my eyes and i could feel the others, waiting, patiently.

"come see us any time," they said. "go home any time."

25/3, ii


vienen todos marchando
de blanco entre la niebla blanca
gris, quizás
entre montañas, yo
giro y abro grandes los ojos
me sorprendo
ya vienen, todos
los espero con flores
con escarcha
con una sonrisa

me miran, dos o tres
me agarran de los brazos
me arrastran
donde empieza una montaña,
entre rocas
me miran en silencio

de blanco, como la nieve de afuera
ojos claros
manos tibias!

me ponen contra la pared
sólo se acercan
me miran
me sostienen

la niebla empieza a entrar
me sueltan
me dejan caer, me atajan

me esperan todos afuera
días, horas? meses?
sin moverse

me decido a salir y todos los brazos se extienden

me pasan uno por uno
en un baile eterno, sin espacio
escucho el roce constante de tela blanca

toda mi piel conoce sus manos

al final camino
y caminan
en silencio y desde entonces
adonde mire ellos están
entre la niebla, o abrazándome
camuflándse sólo lo justo en el silencio
entre mis manos
entre las montañas.














25/3, iii

the music's still in my head
and all the words
i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry
this seems everlasting

but i've been this lost before,
this is just another room
of the same house (million houses)

and i refuse to live here,
imagining mirrors
scared or tired of unseen reflections

consider this another stop,
another walk maybe
that will (because it will! in the end)
add up to the stars
go up and
stay down, i guess

enjoy threading words
if anything
enjoy seeing it as it is, i guess
while i burst into flames (no burn)

i refuse...
if you want to watch me then watch me
all the way through
all of the hours, the countless hours

the crushing dreams etc

the songs are still in my head,
all the words
i'm so sorry
all the noise

are my feet cold?
are my hands warm?

enjoy being still,
if anything

see me create fire

something new, maybe
nothing old
watch something dissolve

i don't need to remember
any more
because i know

in the meantime it's all wrong, but i know

there's already something gone,
though my eyes close
something falls into place every second
though the rest crumbles

all the noise

there is something gone,
i can almost hear it
feels like a satin ribbon slipping through my hand

enjoy being still,
if anytning

a quiet melody, almost new
a quiet beat
i don't remember it but i know how it goes

i've been lost before
take in the view
say something true

finally, (was i expecting this?)
we walk together at night
you're hiding your face, but it's okay
i can feel your hand

[noviembre 2010]

el polvo que flota en la luz del sol
brilla más que la inmensidad de ella
y vale más
que lo que se desintegró

[2008 05 22]



tener tiempo
para odiar todo esto,
para recordar
que siempre estuvo aquí

para cambiarlo
(run until you realize
you're lying on the floor
you crawl and though your eyes are open
you're blind)
para elegir cómo quiero mentirme,
qué parte de la historia
quiero repetir

is this it
have i found my winterhome,
home is winter autumn snow,
crunchy leaves and greyish cold

did all of those hours turn time around
ah but words stain my tarnished windows
home's not cozy home's not open home's not
easy

did all of those years just fall in the background
a long walking distance
winterboots, snowy grass, not many paths
winterwoods, snowy earth, like in the past

what day is it today
and also first of a cycle
and also third of a series
did the train stop here again or it is just too close

maybe i spent so much time now there isn't any left
but i guess i'm already leaving because it remembers to come back
and pull you out/in

as a side note, there was him in my dream
i made him such big part of me that i cannot make him leave
i don't miss him, do i
i don't mind either way, but last night
he was just playing a part of me

yes, i could still see you in my home
another one but a winter one
i don't mind, i understand
and walking here there's no you

guess i'm leaving, i hear the sea
but some things i don't forget
and i know my place in the woods
i know winterland without time
i know how it hurts and i know why
a snowheart

[3 8 2009]



there was something else, not waiting for me.

something was being denied to me.
kept away.
and i was forgetting myself too.

transparency.

/// cuaderno 23 ///

[1 12 2014]

wanting to be heard
but failing to produce a melody that would make the ice melt
he kept walking
imitating the sounds of nature
putting them together to form songs
but only for a moment a few notes felt like a warm light around him
then it was gone
and at night he tried to talk to the moon
but she said you've been silent for a long time,
you dont't speak my language as fluently
so he slept thinking of the future and the past
knowing that the present is a long time
in which he wouldn't recognize the day or the night
or the places where he went
he wouldn't call them home


///


[9 12 2014]

you were here today
i had more words than feelings

i feel things when it's too late
i feel your presence when there's only a gleam left


///


[13 12 2014]

How To Destroy Yourself:
Just let the world do its work


///


[20 1 2015]

And the next day it was cold. It was the weirdest Monday, and the next day it was cold, in the middle of January. And at night while I was walking to my siblings’ apartment I thought, “You can also learn to love.”


///


[4 4 2015]

there's nothing i want to do except love someone so much i forget it has no meaning


///


[30 4 2015]

is there good poison?

+

can you learn something by getting worse?


///


[8 6 2015]

I'm keeping my eyes open
I'm letting the needles I feel trace & teach me new words
I'm letting the space
build new shapes
new sillhouettes for the things that I know
(that I think I know)

i'm using distance as a way to keep you near
to embrace you and make sure i don't forget you

i'm letting shadows speak and taking every hit
i feel so close to the door but i'm not letting me go
before exploring this place first


///


[10 10 2015] [it must be 2015...]


oh please come back to me
i have new presents
i have glimmering flames

oh please come back to me
reassure me of permanence
of identity, of chapters

remind me of old blue caves
glass castles and raincloud rides
forests
ah the smell of stories among trees


///


[15 12 2015]

¡sincerarme!
¡liberarme!
soy incapaz de abrir espacios
¡de correr las cortinas!
de vaciar habitaciones.

iría a la costanera,
bajaría a la playa,
me sentaría sobre las piedras,
mirando el lago
para encontrarte

pero aunque te dijera
que nada de lo que viste era cierto
ya somos quienes somos
y quienes fuimos

no podemos des-conocernos

te mostraría, eso sí
los tesoros que yo guardo
mi textura

pero ya es tan tarde
siempre oscurece aquí
y soy incapaz
de afrontar los mediodías

los días siguientes
vienen como olas hacia mí
grandes, fuertes
'fight or flight'?
well i do both

y luego intento
describir las contradicciones
pero soy incapaz
de trazar ciertos límites

caminaría hasta tu casa
un día de verano
para decirte
que todo el resto era mentira

pondría carteles por todas partes
anunciando mis hazañas
mis texturas

pero es medianoche ya,
y no sé qué día es
sólo sé de las olas
y las estrellas que me miran

¡sincerarme!
¡liberarme!

desesperarme
por aire que no conseguiré
que no buscaré

por tesoros, por texturas de otros
aire que no conseguiré,
que no buscaré

por no poder decir
por la vergüenza de gritar
porque soy incapaz
de abrir las cortinas

y de entender mañanas
y ayeres

should i go where i drown
one of the careful places now destructed
only a few walls left
almost no floor

i can tell you everything with one look

i find my thoughts (to be) as powerful as actions—
ah careful there! little walls left

and i don't want it because it never made me happy
i couldn't say anything
and no one likes quiet

should i walk just along the fence
be where i went when i was younger
i swear i felt the pain then too—
i just didn't know what it was

more stairs to the same floors

i find my world as painful as this world

and all i can think of is the waves
over and over and over and over
all i can think of is
how hard it seems for you to listen

my skin is too thick but not thick enough
different light
the night goes in but never goes out
it never expands

i find my thoughts as strong as actions
careful— the tide may turn

do you know my words

cold walls
cold hands from pressing my palms against the stone
my whole body embrace(s) it
with eyes closed i feel you close
i see how far you are

should i drown in purple waters
keeping you from the rain
should i dive in orange waters
show how fire can be rain

while i think about the waves,
the waves,
again

/ 1 /

7/9


the king of the nonexistent
we took a ride across a dotted line
we sang our songs
and we sang goodbye
and the lights were out, eyes closed

the queen of the nonexistent
she took a chance and reached for my heart
and when she got it beating on her palm she said
it feels like air and powdered gold




14/9

our kingdom was all trees
all sea
the queen drew in the air and our bodies were sand
by day and rain by night

our castles were white and of soft fabric
all sun & candles
the king drew in the air and our bodies were fire
by day and rain by night





/ 2 /

4/10

when we walk and we talk and we hold hands
and we say we would lie on the grass and feel our hearts
feel it all
skins & bones

but then the place starts to look like the ones that I know
I've seen it all
and I still want it all but you doubt what I say
and it changes our pace
changes the space

just how slight of a word
or a gesture or step
can erase everything that's around us and cut
through the space we had made

I made something that I have not made
to quote myself, I don't believe in it
or I believe in something that I know doesn't exist

the king of the impossible, in her impossible universe
I want it all and it is nowhere
and most important
it won't do

is the universe ever complete

ah what a strange thought
to be more than you but to what extent
can you feel everything if there is no end



so maybe that's the thing
or maybe it's just a single physical fault
I can't get what I want

finding the truth and also realising there isn't only one truth

a new city is always wider

[5 8 2015]



pequeñas líneas vienen hoy
papel dañado por el trazo
pequeñas casas hoy
el cielo se mueve rápido

me muestro con tantos espejos y me veo con tantos recuerdos
la bruma y el humo en las noches al abrir y cerrar los ojos
en un abrir y cerrar de ojos
en roces y luces y espejos de todos

mientras
cascadas
mientras
aislada
entre baúles antiguos y prendas impecables
vidrios azules
y ventanas inalcanzables

(si lo que más me duele es materializarme
lo que más me duele es olvidarlo)

pequeñas líneas en contornos
el aire se mueve distinto
de muchas maneras
o en pequeños círculos

(un pequeño golpe en los pulmones
uno, dos, tres
humo y perfume en los pulmones
doce, cuatro, seis)

nadie conoce estas manos
ni todas mis texturas
que se mueven con el sol y la luna
todo en mí es un caleidoscopio

y en el pasaje de uno a otro
los motivos se inscriben en papel
todo se escribe en mi piel

changing my maps

hace muchísimo que no puedo escribir

[10/4/2015]

can't get out of this loneliness

and by that i mean i don't have myself

[3/4/2015]


I'm back here
revolving dark blue ocean wave
(attn: maybe fear is blue)
shades mix
and now the power went out
dogs bark outside
I think about three things
the sound of water and guilt
and what if
and the dogs - where am I
this is a deeper time
the air takes time getting here
what a good day
what a dreary night
the answer is in going in and out
in hating the cycle and doing it again anyway
until it means nothing
and something uncovers
somewhere there's a tree of tiny lights that I build all the time
soft leaves
the greenest green
somewhere
meanwhile I'll sleep in a cloud
yes I'm riding
no rain yet but soon
for now warm stars like branches
of my little tree
waves and barks below
and other confusing sounds

i wish you knew about the things that never change/d
y que no son las del post anterior

[8/2/2009]


close the door and open every window.
i always leave traces,


maybe this time
one of us will act different.

and maybe this time
i'll be the one who doesn't care.