/// cuaderno 23 ///

[1 12 2014]

wanting to be heard
but failing to produce a melody that would make the ice melt
he kept walking
imitating the sounds of nature
putting them together to form songs
but only for a moment a few notes felt like a warm light around him
then it was gone
and at night he tried to talk to the moon
but she said you've been silent for a long time,
you dont't speak my language as fluently
so he slept thinking of the future and the past
knowing that the present is a long time
in which he wouldn't recognize the day or the night
or the places where he went
he wouldn't call them home


///


[9 12 2014]

you were here today
i had more words than feelings

i feel things when it's too late
i feel your presence when there's only a gleam left


///


[13 12 2014]

How To Destroy Yourself:
Just let the world do its work


///


[20 1 2015]

And the next day it was cold. It was the weirdest Monday, and the next day it was cold, in the middle of January. And at night while I was walking to my siblings’ apartment I thought, “You can also learn to love.”


///


[4 4 2015]

there's nothing i want to do except love someone so much i forget it has no meaning


///


[30 4 2015]

is there good poison?

+

can you learn something by getting worse?


///


[8 6 2015]

I'm keeping my eyes open
I'm letting the needles I feel trace & teach me new words
I'm letting the space
build new shapes
new sillhouettes for the things that I know
(that I think I know)

i'm using distance as a way to keep you near
to embrace you and make sure i don't forget you

i'm letting shadows speak and taking every hit
i feel so close to the door but i'm not letting me go
before exploring this place first


///


[10 10 2015] [it must be 2015...]


oh please come back to me
i have new presents
i have glimmering flames

oh please come back to me
reassure me of permanence
of identity, of chapters

remind me of old blue caves
glass castles and raincloud rides
forests
ah the smell of stories among trees


///


[15 12 2015]

¡sincerarme!
¡liberarme!
soy incapaz de abrir espacios
¡de correr las cortinas!
de vaciar habitaciones.

iría a la costanera,
bajaría a la playa,
me sentaría sobre las piedras,
mirando el lago
para encontrarte

pero aunque te dijera
que nada de lo que viste era cierto
ya somos quienes somos
y quienes fuimos

no podemos des-conocernos

te mostraría, eso sí
los tesoros que yo guardo
mi textura

pero ya es tan tarde
siempre oscurece aquí
y soy incapaz
de afrontar los mediodías

los días siguientes
vienen como olas hacia mí
grandes, fuertes
'fight or flight'?
well i do both

y luego intento
describir las contradicciones
pero soy incapaz
de trazar ciertos límites

caminaría hasta tu casa
un día de verano
para decirte
que todo el resto era mentira

pondría carteles por todas partes
anunciando mis hazañas
mis texturas

pero es medianoche ya,
y no sé qué día es
sólo sé de las olas
y las estrellas que me miran

¡sincerarme!
¡liberarme!

desesperarme
por aire que no conseguiré
que no buscaré

por tesoros, por texturas de otros
aire que no conseguiré,
que no buscaré

por no poder decir
por la vergüenza de gritar
porque soy incapaz
de abrir las cortinas

y de entender mañanas
y ayeres

should i go where i drown
one of the careful places now destructed
only a few walls left
almost no floor

i can tell you everything with one look

i find my thoughts (to be) as powerful as actions—
ah careful there! little walls left

and i don't want it because it never made me happy
i couldn't say anything
and no one likes quiet

should i walk just along the fence
be where i went when i was younger
i swear i felt the pain then too—
i just didn't know what it was

more stairs to the same floors

i find my world as painful as this world

and all i can think of is the waves
over and over and over and over
all i can think of is
how hard it seems for you to listen

my skin is too thick but not thick enough
different light
the night goes in but never goes out
it never expands

i find my thoughts as strong as actions
careful— the tide may turn

do you know my words

cold walls
cold hands from pressing my palms against the stone
my whole body embrace(s) it
with eyes closed i feel you close
i see how far you are

should i drown in purple waters
keeping you from the rain
should i dive in orange waters
show how fire can be rain

while i think about the waves,
the waves,
again

/ 1 /

7/9


the king of the nonexistent
we took a ride across a dotted line
we sang our songs
and we sang goodbye
and the lights were out, eyes closed

the queen of the nonexistent
she took a chance and reached for my heart
and when she got it beating on her palm she said
it feels like air and powdered gold




14/9

our kingdom was all trees
all sea
the queen drew in the air and our bodies were sand
by day and rain by night

our castles were white and of soft fabric
all sun & candles
the king drew in the air and our bodies were fire
by day and rain by night





/ 2 /

4/10

when we walk and we talk and we hold hands
and we say we would lie on the grass and feel our hearts
feel it all
skins & bones

but then the place starts to look like the ones that I know
I've seen it all
and I still want it all but you doubt what I say
and it changes our pace
changes the space

just how slight of a word
or a gesture or step
can erase everything that's around us and cut
through the space we had made

I made something that I have not made
to quote myself, I don't believe in it
or I believe in something that I know doesn't exist

the king of the impossible, in her impossible universe
I want it all and it is nowhere
and most important
it won't do

is the universe ever complete

ah what a strange thought
to be more than you but to what extent
can you feel everything if there is no end



so maybe that's the thing
or maybe it's just a single physical fault
I can't get what I want

finding the truth and also realising there isn't only one truth

a new city is always wider

[5 8 2015]



pequeñas líneas vienen hoy
papel dañado por el trazo
pequeñas casas hoy
el cielo se mueve rápido

me muestro con tantos espejos y me veo con tantos recuerdos
la bruma y el humo en las noches al abrir y cerrar los ojos
en un abrir y cerrar de ojos
en roces y luces y espejos de todos

mientras
cascadas
mientras
aislada
entre baúles antiguos y prendas impecables
vidrios azules
y ventanas inalcanzables

(si lo que más me duele es materializarme
lo que más me duele es olvidarlo)

pequeñas líneas en contornos
el aire se mueve distinto
de muchas maneras
o en pequeños círculos

(un pequeño golpe en los pulmones
uno, dos, tres
humo y perfume en los pulmones
doce, cuatro, seis)

nadie conoce estas manos
ni todas mis texturas
que se mueven con el sol y la luna
todo en mí es un caleidoscopio

y en el pasaje de uno a otro
los motivos se inscriben en papel
todo se escribe en mi piel

changing my maps

hace muchísimo que no puedo escribir

[10/4/2015]

can't get out of this loneliness

and by that i mean i don't have myself

[3/4/2015]


I'm back here
revolving dark blue ocean wave
(attn: maybe fear is blue)
shades mix
and now the power went out
dogs bark outside
I think about three things
the sound of water and guilt
and what if
and the dogs - where am I
this is a deeper time
the air takes time getting here
what a good day
what a dreary night
the answer is in going in and out
in hating the cycle and doing it again anyway
until it means nothing
and something uncovers
somewhere there's a tree of tiny lights that I build all the time
soft leaves
the greenest green
somewhere
meanwhile I'll sleep in a cloud
yes I'm riding
no rain yet but soon
for now warm stars like branches
of my little tree
waves and barks below
and other confusing sounds

i wish you knew about the things that never change/d
y que no son las del post anterior

[8/2/2009]


close the door and open every window.
i always leave traces,


maybe this time
one of us will act different.

and maybe this time
i'll be the one who doesn't care.

[7.40 a.m.]

i remember thinking last night
that there was a time but it's gone
but i'm new now and i don't know you
and promises are like castles
like things we teach each other
and blankets
and though many suns and clouds are here right now
there's shelter
and it is the things i don't get
i don't understand but i don't have to

No puedo separarlos, lo siento
Estás acá y están ellos dos
Están todos, rítmicamente
Cuando la sangre corre hace cosquillas
Cuando las yemas recorren
Cuando las golpeo siguiendo el ritmo
Pero todo lo que me abraza
Y todos los golpes
Todas las galaxias
Son un universo
Y es mío
Todos los ritmos forman el mismo
No puedo separarte, lo siento


II
the light changes and i need to go
i take the reflections with me
i take my notebook and a string of the universe
a window to the universe

2.2
when you see nothing
there is a whole world behind
there's a string of planets being born and growing old

iii
I am done!
Cut me open and make me new. Make me like you.

iv
make me like you

V
I'm sure any of you would unleash galaxies
if we met
i've been swimming around
the absence of everything
the absence of everyone
i've been swimming in, out
of every heart i meet



VI
Cuánta es la importancia
de ver los puentes y las órbitas
si igual no puedo advertirte
Cuando hablo del tiempo también hablo de las formas
Todo entra cuando respiro
Me golpeás en ritmo
Las manos de todos enlazadas
giramos sin eje
nadamos sin eje



VII
in, out
the stars leave their mark
when they fall into the water
and the small waves collide
turning one into another
it's a pattern the sky repeats
drawing orbits and shooting
stars, in, out




viii
no soy como vos
te pido formas imposibles
conozco cómo algo en un plano
dispara algo en otro
y conozco el lugar y el momento
en que los planos no existen
y si te digo todo esto
es porque no quiero separarte, lo siento
escuchá, girá, cambiá de forma
seguirás creciendo

some things i want so much they make me want to throw up

[7/12/2009]

it wasn't about the pain.
it wasn't about letting everyone know.
it wasn't about having something to hide.
it wasn't to remind myself that i'm alive,
i did it to show that i'm aware.

las yemas en labios
detrás momentos lejanos
me alejo soñando
lo mismo que pasa
mis ojos rozan el agua,
mis palmas la arcilla
vuelvo
sin que te enteres
y más tarde silencio
no es la negación
si nuestras venas se juntaran no tendría que explicarte
yo no sé dar vueltas
no sé hablar sin mis yemas
y por otro lado
es difícil recorrer si no recuerdo
cómo miran tus ojos
tengo algún invierno pero olvidarte jamás
tengo un universo pero olvidarte jamás
si nuestras tierras se juntaran no tendría que cerrarte
las pestañas sienten el agua
(podría moldearte si quisiera)
dibujé mi vuelta en vos
y en todos mis movimientos
no decir nada es recordarte siempre y llamarte siempre
sumergite

kiss my flaws.

[2/12/2007]

aware but not in control
my lungs are filled with rocks;
spin - is it the room or is it me?

all that you can't see in me
is all i really want to be.
a lie is a dream never come true

come and go and leave me incomplete;

in control but not completely aware.
(i know i am right just because
i can only see through my eyes)

come and leave and go incomplete
play along, play dead;

you're not letting me feel & build the strings
and you know i need a reason, at least

please please i am asking
i do everything to inhale the summer night sky
but you make me choke

the windows remind me there are lights on
we dance surrounded by static
and every time i hold a hand
you make me invisible
senseless

why don't we sit down and talk
(whoever reads this will think i'm talking about him, how funny)
i find ways to "drown carefully" but with you
it's too carefully and do not drown at all

he's invisible and so am i
to everyone and myself
the sun can't scar me
the night can't change me
water can't heal me
and silence can't break me

and you'll make sure that i stay home
where the blankets are cold and the lights are on
even when windows are closed

and i'll run and the sun won't be enough for me
everything i could ask for will only be a breeze
you'll make sure it rains only in me
you'll make sure that it's a storm

where did the sky come from,
where did dusk come from
if i start to reflect the twilight it will be a cloudy night
i hold hands
i spend time
looking into eyes
reading into minds
writing into ties
but it will be a cloudy night
again

i will let them in
when you are not looking i will begin
a million times to build the strings
and when you break them i will say
if you're waiting so am i but i grew tired of it
when you don't listen i will stay but i'll be tired of it
and i'll search for them everywhere
because i'd rather hate you than breathe steadily
if it means that i'm translucent
that i can't look closely

i will break my heart
until i can look closely