changing my maps

hace muchísimo que no puedo escribir

[10/4/2015]

can't get out of this loneliness

and by that i mean i don't have myself

[3/4/2015]


I'm back here
revolving dark blue ocean wave
(attn: maybe fear is blue)
shades mix
and now the power went out
dogs bark outside
I think about three things
the sound of water and guilt
and what if
and the dogs - where am I
this is a deeper time
the air takes time getting here
what a good day
what a dreary night
the answer is in going in and out
in hating the cycle and doing it again anyway
until it means nothing
and something uncovers
somewhere there's a tree of tiny lights that I build all the time
soft leaves
the greenest green
somewhere
meanwhile I'll sleep in a cloud
yes I'm riding
no rain yet but soon
for now warm stars like branches
of my little tree
waves and barks below
and other confusing sounds

i wish you knew about the things that never change/d
y que no son las del post anterior

[8/2/2009]


close the door and open every window.
i always leave traces,


maybe this time
one of us will act different.

and maybe this time
i'll be the one who doesn't care.

[7.40 a.m.]

i remember thinking last night
that there was a time but it's gone
but i'm new now and i don't know you
and promises are like castles
like things we teach each other
and blankets
and though many suns and clouds are here right now
there's shelter
and it is the things i don't get
i don't understand but i don't have to

No puedo separarlos, lo siento
Estás acá y están ellos dos
Están todos, rítmicamente
Cuando la sangre corre hace cosquillas
Cuando las yemas recorren
Cuando las golpeo siguiendo el ritmo
Pero todo lo que me abraza
Y todos los golpes
Todas las galaxias
Son un universo
Y es mío
Todos los ritmos forman el mismo
No puedo separarte, lo siento


II
the light changes and i need to go
i take the reflections with me
i take my notebook and a string of the universe
a window to the universe

2.2
when you see nothing
there is a whole world behind
there's a string of planets being born and growing old

iii
I am done!
Cut me open and make me new. Make me like you.

iv
make me like you

V
I'm sure any of you would unleash galaxies
if we met
i've been swimming around
the absence of everything
the absence of everyone
i've been swimming in, out
of every heart i meet



VI
Cuánta es la importancia
de ver los puentes y las órbitas
si igual no puedo advertirte
Cuando hablo del tiempo también hablo de las formas
Todo entra cuando respiro
Me golpeás en ritmo
Las manos de todos enlazadas
giramos sin eje
nadamos sin eje



VII
in, out
the stars leave their mark
when they fall into the water
and the small waves collide
turning one into another
it's a pattern the sky repeats
drawing orbits and shooting
stars, in, out




viii
no soy como vos
te pido formas imposibles
conozco cómo algo en un plano
dispara algo en otro
y conozco el lugar y el momento
en que los planos no existen
y si te digo todo esto
es porque no quiero separarte, lo siento
escuchá, girá, cambiá de forma
seguirás creciendo

some things i want so much they make me want to throw up

[7/12/2009]

it wasn't about the pain.
it wasn't about letting everyone know.
it wasn't about having something to hide.
it wasn't to remind myself that i'm alive,
i did it to show that i'm aware.

las yemas en labios
detrás momentos lejanos
me alejo soñando
lo mismo que pasa
mis ojos rozan el agua,
mis palmas la arcilla
vuelvo
sin que te enteres
y más tarde silencio
no es la negación
si nuestras venas se juntaran no tendría que explicarte
yo no sé dar vueltas
no sé hablar sin mis yemas
y por otro lado
es difícil recorrer si no recuerdo
cómo miran tus ojos
tengo algún invierno pero olvidarte jamás
tengo un universo pero olvidarte jamás
si nuestras tierras se juntaran no tendría que cerrarte
las pestañas sienten el agua
(podría moldearte si quisiera)
dibujé mi vuelta en vos
y en todos mis movimientos
no decir nada es recordarte siempre y llamarte siempre
sumergite

kiss my flaws.

[2/12/2007]

aware but not in control
my lungs are filled with rocks;
spin - is it the room or is it me?

all that you can't see in me
is all i really want to be.
a lie is a dream never come true

come and go and leave me incomplete;

in control but not completely aware.
(i know i am right just because
i can only see through my eyes)

come and leave and go incomplete
play along, play dead;

you're not letting me feel & build the strings
and you know i need a reason, at least

please please i am asking
i do everything to inhale the summer night sky
but you make me choke

the windows remind me there are lights on
we dance surrounded by static
and every time i hold a hand
you make me invisible
senseless

why don't we sit down and talk
(whoever reads this will think i'm talking about him, how funny)
i find ways to "drown carefully" but with you
it's too carefully and do not drown at all

he's invisible and so am i
to everyone and myself
the sun can't scar me
the night can't change me
water can't heal me
and silence can't break me

and you'll make sure that i stay home
where the blankets are cold and the lights are on
even when windows are closed

and i'll run and the sun won't be enough for me
everything i could ask for will only be a breeze
you'll make sure it rains only in me
you'll make sure that it's a storm

where did the sky come from,
where did dusk come from
if i start to reflect the twilight it will be a cloudy night
i hold hands
i spend time
looking into eyes
reading into minds
writing into ties
but it will be a cloudy night
again

i will let them in
when you are not looking i will begin
a million times to build the strings
and when you break them i will say
if you're waiting so am i but i grew tired of it
when you don't listen i will stay but i'll be tired of it
and i'll search for them everywhere
because i'd rather hate you than breathe steadily
if it means that i'm translucent
that i can't look closely

i will break my heart
until i can look closely

[16/5/2007]

how could it last
all ghosts look the same when they're far away

chicos realmente cuando me muera le voy a preguntar al destino por qué carajo me hace seguir soñandoypensando en la misma persona siempre y que sin embargo NO NOS PODAMOS ENCONTRAR (más allá de que a la otra persona no le importa en lo más mínimo todo esto y eso está bien) no dejo de reírme pero REALMENTE CUÁL ERA LA IDEA DEJEN QUE HABLEMOS Y NOS DIGAMOS OK CHAU

[7/10/2008]

está escondido delante de nuestros ojos y detrás de nuestras palabras.

vuela alrededor, se enreda, me atrapa, nos atrapa, y ni siquiera intentamos escapar.
es el riesgo de lo conocido, jugar otra vez a lo mismo sabiendo que ganar es igual a perder.

y seguimos corriendo.

estoy acá otra vez
parada en el escalón
las paredes son oscuras y frías, la luz también, mi sombra también, yo también
la sustancia gira sobre sí misma,
casi como un remolino muy lento
o (como) arrellanándose infinitamente
en mi centro
estoy ahí otra vez.
el aire más allá del escalón es distinto del de acá.
estoy en el borde
no me muevo

cierro los ojos y estoy afuera, corriendo bajo la lluvia con un niño en brazos
en algún paisaje lindo

después soy yo y estoy en mi casa con los brazos sobre la mesa y la cabeza sobre uno de ellos
quedándome dormida

siento un dolor sin límites, está en el aire y en el agua
y es indescriptible
y sabe acomodarse en todos lados
si no me apresuro a defenderme

cuando uno se hace fuerte el dolor se perfila y (eso) es mejor
pero verlo de frente a veces te obliga a usar todas tus fuerzas

todavía
se enreda con todo
aunque lo veo
sigo ahí
me vuelvo transparente y sólo queda la sustancia

no tengo identidad
soy un cuerpo en el escalón

no es que mi vida no sea más que el trabajo y quejarme de los finales es que si no el diálogo sería "y qué es de tu vida" "nada acá llorando del dolor de espalda y porque jack kerouac tendría que haber vivido más que 47 años"

my mood changes so quickly because I have dreams and I have hope and I also have memories, all kinds of dreams and memories------ and I have music and sometimes I even have faith
doors open but they close again
i make plans and i keep moving because it's the only thing i know, move on, move on------- sometimes i feel lifted by something, i see the beauty while i walk in the street, i see the beauty in someone's skin
and sometimes i get locked up in a place that is too familiar but it also changed
i once said there's no confort in the dark and yes --- that's how that place is now
i keep writing to no one, i keep asking where everyone that inspires me is, i keep trying to inspire someone------ i try not to get lost in how fake everything is, i try to see the good side
and i can see the beauty in the city
but i can also see the dark
and i can see the beauty in their skin and sometimes in their words
but i can't see deep into their eyes
i recognise all that i've seen a million times
sometimes i feel like i know everyone