_

2012-01-24T10:26:00.003-03:00

—Las cicatrices nunca se van, ¿verdad?
—Van y vienen, creo yo.

2012-01-10T22:10:00.000-03:00

happiness exists when you don't know a thing
so i hope you don't think this song is about you

2012-01-06T05:22:00.003-03:00

so what would he do
i know he was like me before Sky
but with a bit more clarity
or less
but being somewhere else strangely made him more capable
of dealing with was going on here
So what would he have done
oh but he's also a martyr
or just a self-destructive kid
he would have said "i'm sorry,
sorry i have to leave"
he would say goodbye to both of them and then feel like
there was nothing left in him
"my veins should be empty,
my heart should be empty because that is how i feel"

and how you'd wish that your life was a movie
or one of the books you always promised yourself you would read
how you'd love your life to have the magic
that your songs had
how you wished they'd known
you wrote those words for them

some secrets are not kept by choice
some people don't care about the truth
or what's beneath the surface
you never lied, it's just they never asked
well i feel the same way now
(i guess that is what you are, mostly
i found you again)

we are candles
we are the perfect home
but broken
we are bruises and firelight
i guess you had the stars and i only have the scars
but we are
the lies
we didn't want to say
we are autumn clouds floating away

okay so
what should we do
what would you do
stay a little bit farther
but say more, i know you would
but you have a way with words
i can only hope to find at night
when i'm alone
or when you're near

i need to be free
you had nothing but you had freedom
you fly
i don't think you see that but you fly

i will be water one day,
i will be water
and we will meet in the rain

2011-12-03T00:02:00.004-03:00

[november]

they said,
let the old be old and let the new break through

they said,
let what's gone be gone and remember the good

it's there, i know it's there

i want to say thank you but not with words

i want to be more than words
i want to be a voice
that makes it rain when it sings
i want to sing truth
and know what truth means

i want to find you and i want to find me
i want to say thank you but not with words

i want you to see this
and i want you to see more

2011-11-06T00:34:00.000-03:00

i don't need to understand i just need to forget

2011-10-25T16:16:00.002-03:00

tantas cosas salen mal tantas veces que empiezo a creer en el destino

2011-10-16T17:11:00.001-03:00

[ vitre0us ]

2011-10-14T13:07:00.002-03:00

i never understood how someone could love me
but now that i gave you everything why did you choose to leave

2011-10-08T00:33:00.001-03:00

why do i want to 'save' everyone
who do i think i am

2011-10-01T20:52:00.000-03:00

[25 09 11, 02.02 am]

i need to say something
i need the magic that's in the air when i'm alone
to sing something to me
particles of dust
reflect a million colours of light
the voices of the ones who always touch my heart
beat softly

i don't care what you say i don't care if you understand
the words i use or the roads i choose
but what am i to do with this
i mean where are you

there's a sky in which we drew
patterns and stories that night
and the days that followed
there are lines that gleam
when we mention their names
and the sound
of your words and my
cautious smile
i believed, oh i
couldn't stop my imagination
from building us a home
small and quiet
i could not stop myself from
framing a piece of the sky and
hanging it on the wall

and now when you knock on my door
i don't know where i'm from
i don't know where i have been
or what i'm here for

maybe saying more
would be saying less
but you know that i never forget
i just turn some things into words
which you can't understand
and when you're silent
and i don't say a thing
where are you
where have you been

so "do you remember me?"
or was it just another day
full of stories and i'm
just another stranger
that happened to come your way
so what did you write about me
on your book of forgettable thoughts
was there actually something there
or was i just another ghost

but i am still here,
but i forgot where i belong
and you are still there
but i don't know where you're from

well okay
i mean does fate exist
because sometimes i believe
that my home is the sea
or nowhere at all
but well, okay
i guess you can have a choice
i guess you can have it all
because i don't know how to feel

i am lost, are you not-
well maybe you don't
listen to yourself
or maybe i just like to see you that way
oh i thought i would stay

the night starts to get darker now,
its needles hurt my eyes
my lips are dry and somehow
the magic starts to die
there's something in the stars,
there's something in the sky
something that never leaves
an echo of your voice
and your eyes
and the songs of the ones who save me
the ones who won't let me die
there is something in you, too
a veil when you look at me
that changes when you sleep
a veil of diamonds covered in dust

the night starts to shout
and why aren't you here, why aren't you here now
oh i know how this sounds
i'll never say it out loud
you already know that i miss you
i don't care if you miss me too

but what to do, what to do
oh am i saying too much
why can't i just be like the clouds,
why can't i fall like rain
to the ground
and lie there and not make a sound
the only reason to live
is to find the sea
to be one, to be more than me
but am i saying too much
what matters is where do i go
when i don't know
what you see
when i can't be
when i can't grow
when i try so hard not to feel
a thing
and they sing, they sing
and are you far or are you near
i start shaking inside, i
can't feel nothing but the ice
that cuts through my veins
i shake
if you could feel my heart, if you could feel my lungs
and how they shudder
i bet you'd be surprised
to see that you matter

there's a sky
mine- only mine this time
i drew lines that are beginning to fade
there is a window i can't open anymore
there is lightning and a storm
i guess this is my home
now
and i hope that some day
wherever you go when your sky fades
you can see something of me
i hope that the stars show you the way
when you walk by the sea.

2011-09-24T21:31:00.001-03:00

Pero la verdad, el problema no se encuentra entre mis manos, sino en el espacio que las separa de las tuyas.

[erine]

2011-09-22T10:17:00.000-03:00

the worst part is i'll always be there when you need me

2011-09-08T02:07:00.003-03:00

I

It was late. We were at the inn again and Nicolas, who was walking about the room and gesturing dramatically, declared what had been on our minds all along.
That we should run away to Paris, even if we were penniless, that it was better than remaining here. Even if we lived as beggars in Paris! It had to be better.
(...)
Did I want to go on like this? So our fathers would curse us. After all, our life was meaningless here.
(...)
And this notion of the meaninglessness of our lives here began to enflame us.
I took up the theme again that music and acting were good because they drove back chaos. Chaos was the meaninglessness of day-to-day life, and if we were to die now, our lives would have been nothing but meaninglessness. In fact, it came to me that my mother dying soon was meaningless and I confided in Nicolas what she had said. "I'm perfectly horrified. I'm afraid."
Well, if there had been a Golden Moment in the room it was gone now. And something different started to happen.
I should call it the Dark Moment, but it was still high-pitched and full of eerie light. We were talking rapidly, cursing this meaninglessness, and when Nicolas at last sat down and put his head in his hands, I took some glamourous and hearty swigs of wine and went to pacing and gesturing as he had done before.
I realized aloud in the midst of saying it that even when we die we probably don't find out the answer as to why we were ever alive. Even the avowed atheist probably thinks that in death he'll get some answer. I mean God will be there, or there won't be anything at all.
"But that's just it," I said, "we don't make any discovery at that moment! We merely stop! We pass into nonexistence without ever knowing a thing." I saw the universe, a vision of the sun, the planets, the stars, black night going on forever. And I began to laugh.
"Do you realize that! We'll never know why the hell any of it happened, not even when it's over!" I shouted at Nicolas, who was sitting back on the bed, nodding and drinking his wine out of a flagon. "We're going to die and not even know. We'll never know, and all this meaninglessness will just go on and on and on. And we won't any longer be witnesses to it. We won't have even that little bit of power to give meaning to it in our minds. We'll just be gone, dead, dead, dead, without ever knowing!"
But I had stopped laughing. I stood still and I understood perfectly what I was saying!
There was no judgment day, no final explanation, no luminous moment in which all terrible wrongs would be made right, all horrors redeemed.
The witches burnt at the stake would never be avenged.
No one was ever going to tell us anything!
No, I didn't understand it at this moment. I saw it! And I began to make the single sound: "Oh!" I said it again "Oh!" and then I said it louder and louder and louder, and I dropped the wine bottle on the floor. I put my hands to my head and I kept saying it, and I could see my mouth opened in that perfect circle that I had described to my mother and I kept saying, "Oh, oh, oh!"
(...)
I walked and talked and gestured like a contented human being, but I was flayed. I was shuddering. My teeth were chattering. I couldn't stop it. I was staring at everything around me in horror. The darkness terrified me. The sight of the old suits of armor in the hall terrified me. I stared at the mace and the flail I'd taken out after the wolves. I stared at the faces of my brothers. I stared at everything, seeing behind every configuration of color and light and shadow the same thing: death. Only it wasn't just death as I'd thought of it before, it was death the way I saw it now. Real death, total death, inevitable, irreversible, and resolving nothing!
(...)
"But how do you live, how do you go on breathing and moving and doing things when you know there is no explanation?" I was raving finally. And then Nicolas said maybe the music would make me feel better. He would play the violin.
(...)
"Play again," I said. "The music is innocent."
Nicolas smiled and nodded. Pamper the madman.
And I knew it wasn't going to pass, and nothing for the moment could make me forget, but what I felt was inexpressible gratitude for the music, that in this horror there could be something as beautiful as that.
You couldn't understand anything; and you couldn't change anything. But you could make music like that.
(...)
At least we had these beautiful things, I said. Such goodness.

II

By day I almost forgot the vision of the inn, and the darkness. Unless, of course, I glimpsed some uncollected corpse in a filthy alleyway, of which there were many, or I happened upon a public execution in the place de Grave.
And I was always happening upon a public execution in the place de Grave.
I'd wander out of the square shuddering, almost moaning. I could become obsessed with it if not distracted. But Nicolas was adamant.
"Lestat, no talk of the eternal, the immutable, the unknowable!" He threatened to hit me or shake me if I should start.
And when twilight came on -- the time I hated more than ever -- whether I had seen an execution or not, whether the day had been glorious or vexing, the trembling would start in me. And only one thing saved me from it: the warmth and excitement of the brightly lighted theater, and I made sure that before dusk I was safely inside.
(...)
Even if I hadn't had this newly acquired dread of the dark, this "malady of mortality," as Nicolas persisted in calling it, it couldn't have been more exciting to go through that stage door.

III

"Nicki, this kind of talk is poison," I said under my breath. "You can't do anything but try to get what you want. You knew the odds were against you when you started. There isn't anything else... except..."
"I know." He smiled. "Except the meaninglessness. Death."
"Yes," I said. "All you can do is make your life have meaning, make it good."
"Oh, not goodness again," he said. "You and your malady of mortality, and your malady of goodness." He had been looking at the fire and he turned to me with a deliberately scornful expression. "We're a pack of actors and entertainers who can't even be buried in consecrated ground. We're outcasts."
"God, if you could only believe in it," I said, "that we do good when we make others forget their sorrow, make them forget for a little while that. . ."
"What? That they are going to die?" He smiled in a particularly vicious way. (...)

IV

The long vibrant notes, and the chilling glissandos, and the violin singing in its own tongue to make every other form of speech seem false. Yet as the song deepened, it became the very essence of despair as if its beauty were a horrid coincidence, grotesquery without a particle of truth.
Was this what he believed, what he had always believed when I talked on and on about goodness? Was he making the violin say it? Was he deliberately creating those long, pure liquid notes to say that beauty meant nothing because it came from the despair inside him, and it had nothing to do with the despair finally, because the despair wasn't beautiful, and beauty then was a horrid irony?
(...)
Beauty wasn't the treachery he imagined it to be, rather it was an uncharted land where one could make a thousand fatal errors, a wild and indifferent paradise without signposts of evil or good.
In spite of all the refinements of civilization that conspired to make art -- the dizzying perfection of the string quartet or the sprawling grandeur of Fragonard's canvases -- beauty was savage. It was as dangerous and lawless as the earth had been eons before man had one single coherent thought in his head or wrote codes of conduct on tablets of clay. Beauty was a Savage Garden.
So why must it wound him that the most despairing music is full of beauty? Why must it hurt him and make him cynical and sad and untrusting?
Good and evil, those are concepts man has made. And man is better, really, than the Savage Garden.
But maybe deep inside Nicki had always dreamed of a harmony among all things that I had always known was impossible. Nicki had dreamed not of goodness, but of justice.

V

...Death was my commander and I gave him a thousand victims, but I'd snatched her right out of his hand. I said it aloud. I said other desperate and nonsensical things. We were the same terrible and deadly beings, the two of us, we were wandering in the Savage Garden and I tried to make it real for her with images, the meaning of the Savage Garden, but it didn't matter if she didn't understand.
"The Savage Garden," she repeated the words reverently, her lips making a soft smile.

VI

"You, and your talk of goodness" -- low seething voice, eyes glittering -- "your talk of good and evil, your talk of what was right and what was wrong and death, oh yes, death, the horror, the tragedy..."
(...)
"Don't you see it's the confirmation of everything? That it exists is the confirmation -- pure evil, sublime evil!" Triumph in his eyes. He reached out suddenly and closed his hand on my face.

VII

"It is petty!" I said. "It is merely beautiful and clever and nothing more."
My voice had not been very loud but it brought him to silence, and it brought the others to silence. And the shock in me melted slowly into another emotion, no less painful, merely easier to contain.
Nothing but the sounds again from the boulevard. A glowering anger flowed out of him, his pupils dancing as he looked at me.
"You're a liar, a contemptible liar," he said.
"There is no splendor in it," I answered. "There is nothing sublime. Fooling helpless mortals, mocking them, and then going out from here at night to take life in the same old petty manner, one death after another in all its inevitable cruelty and shabbiness so that we can live. And man can kill another man! Play your violin forever. Dance as you wish. Give them their money's worth if it keeps you busy and eats up eternity! It's simply clever and beautiful. A grove in the Savage Garden. Nothing more."
"Vile liar!" he said between his teeth. "You are God's fool, that's what you are. You who possessed the dark secret that soared above everything, rendered everything meaningless, and what did you do with it, in those months when you ruled alone from Magnus's tower, but try to live like a good man! A good man!"
(...)
"...And then, the magic, when you got the magic, irony of ironies, you protected me from it! And what did you do with it but use your Satanic powers to simulate the actions of a good man!"
(...)
"Like a mindless beam of sunlight you routed the bats of the old coven!" he whispered. "And for what purpose? What does it mean, the murdering monster who is filled with light!"

VIII

"I want to know, for example, why beauty exists," she said, "why nature continues to contrive it, and what is the link between the life of a lightning storm with the feelings these things inspire in us? If God does not exist, if these things are not unified into one metaphorical system, then why do they retain for us such symbolic power? Lestat calls it the Savage Garden, but for me that is not enough."

IX

"I am evil," he said half smiling. He almost laughed. "It's not a matter of belief, is it? But do you think I could go from the spiritual path I followed for three centuries to voluptuousness and debauchery such as that? We were the saints of evil," he protested. "I will not be common evil. I will not."
"Make it uncommon," she said. She was growing impatient. "If you are evil, how can voluptuousness and debauchery be your enemies? Don't the world, the flesh, and the devil conspire equally against man?"
He shook his head, as if to say he did not care.
"You are more concerned with what is spiritual than with evil," I interjected, watching him closely. "Is that not so?"
"Yes," he said at once.
"But don't you see, the color of wine in a crystal glass can be spiritual," I continued. `"The look in a face, the music of a violin. A Paris theater can be infused with the spiritual for all its solidity. There's nothing in it that hasn't been shaped by the power of those who possessed spiritual visions of what it could be."
Something quickened in him, but he pushed it away.
"Seduce the public with voluptuousness," Gabrielle said. "For God's sake, and the devil's, use the power of the theater as you will."
"Weren't the paintings of your master spiritual?" I asked. I could feel a warming in myself now at the thought of it. "Can anyone look on the great works of that time and not call them spiritual?"
"I have asked myself that question," Armand answered, "many times. Was it spiritual or was it voluptuous? Was the angel painted on the triptych caught in the material, or was the material transformed?"
"No matter what they did to you after, you never doubted the beauty and the value of his work," I said. "I know you didn't. And it was the material transformed. It ceased to be paint and it became magic, just as in the kill the blood ceases to be blood and becomes life."

X

And if I could stop thinking: Nicolas de Lenfent is gone. My brothers are gone. Pale taste of wine, sound of applause.
"But don't you think it's good what we do when we are there, that we make people happy?"
"Good? What are you talking about? Good?"
"That it's good, that it does some good, that there is good in it! Dear God, even if there is no meaning in this world, surely there can still be goodness. It's good to eat, to drink, to laugh... to be together..."

XI

And it all seemed more than ever the story of the Savage Garden, dancers in the Savage Garden, where no law prevailed except the law of the garden, which was the aesthetic law. That the crops shall grow high, that the wheat shall be green and then yellow, that the sun shall shine. Look at the perfectly shaped apple that the tree has made, fancy that! The villagers would run through the orchards with their burning brands from the Lenten bonfire, to make the apples grow.

2011-07-14T18:01:00.001-03:00

lloré mucho y ahora tengo puntos rojos alrededor de los ojos. so cool

2011-07-06T23:19:00.000-03:00

meaninglessness is so relieving sometimes

2011-06-21T16:40:00.003-03:00

[some time in may]

un peluche

dos tatuajes

tres materias

cuatro mantas

cinco remedios

seis personas

siete días

ocho años

9, mi número favorito

x

2011-06-13T22:58:00.002-03:00

always
so
fucking
tired

2011-06-06T01:25:00.001-03:00

2011-06-01T15:05:00.004-03:00

so the clouds dissolved in my lips this time

you play the violin as if you knew
that you're going to die soon
such an irony

i feel the need to feel but nothing more
it's as if all these softly-coloured lights
were just a distant song
soft, almost silent

the tiny pieces of glass
on my eyelids
shine like diamonds
sending sparkles that get lost in the black,
infinite sky
traveling endlessly
unnoticed

who knows what's up and down or good or bad
you're a monster who plays like an angel

you lost your mind
he almost does,
and i'm not far-

this would all make sense if i just
stopped thinking about it

what is it,
please talk to me
what is it that you found
tell me again
what is beauty
and good and bad

if there's a theatre
i'll sit by the candlelight
such a cold place
neither you nor anyone
would brighten the echoes
of my steps here
knock, knock
lonely shadows come out of every sound
knock, knock
such a heavy sound
so hollow
candles like stars
endlessly still

when i take a deep breath i feel like i'm taking in the void that is all around me
i'm hollower every time, if that is possible
emptier
but most of the time i just don't know how to breathe
how am i still alive?
i shouldn't be here, none of this is mine
they could take it all away in a second

if i die
could i be like you?

2011-05-16T22:59:00.001-03:00

the crow arises
and steals the dreams from my eyes

2011-05-10T04:13:00.002-03:00

i only care about myself
and my death
about my life
and your demise

my heart doesn't get what my mind is saying
and no, you can't save me
so who's gonna leave first
ignore the beating in my chest

i can't seem to grow up
and get out
of this same old room
at least not any time soon
(with or without you)

if we're not gonna destroy eachother
what do you want me to answer
feel my touch
but don't feel too much

well i guess it's me
and the bruises on my knees
well this never ever ends
i'm too tired to make sense

i don't know about you but i will learn
i'll shut up but, damn
you will stay
even though i'll never say

so baby hold on tight
because this dies tonight
(i said it, i'll be alright)
this is my life
and your demise

2011-04-27T00:32:00.002-03:00

stop pushing me
stop pushing your fingers down my throat

stop leaving me
i keep forgetting who i am

but i keep walking
my feet feel like they're sinking
but i keep walking

stop pushing me away
remember me

2011-03-24T16:55:00.001-03:00

Ahora
partes tuyas forman parte
de otro plano
Algunas
partículas de luz se mueven
en otras ciudades
creadas para ese "vos y yo"
sin nombre
Ahora
tu voz resuena y
se mezcla
con el humo suave y esas gotas
de luz que viajan
por ese "vos y yo"
sin nombre
Nunca
fui tan ingenua
y ahora
me asusta tu realidad
Espero el capítulo tres,
sin pestañear
cosiendo manchas
con hilos dorados
entrelazando estrellas
atravesando nubes
con agujas aladas
Ahora, hoy
nos mojamos de invierno
y de tiempo perdido
de "nada como vos"
y "cada vez que yo"
de dedos entumecidos
de otros ojos
de planos difusos
y planes fugaces
de astillas punzantes
y roces fugaces
Hoy
sigo trenes
no me voy ni te busco
te encuentro en paredes
irreales
en esos rayones de luz
que dibujan en ellas
en nuestras manos
y en tus ojos
tu nombre

2011-03-21T11:51:00.004-03:00

cuaderno #14 + txts

-

[26 07 10]

Sometimes I don't care if I am happy,
I just want to make you happy

But maybe that's even more selfish.

-

[04 09 10]

no sé dónde quiero estar

estoy lejos de quien habla ahora
lejos de mi voz
y de mis manos

i wanted to stay away but everything went better than i'd expected

ya ni me acuerdo de qué quería
qué defendía
qué necesitaba

-

[03 11 10]

La sombra salió de mis ojos
no pudo atraparte

Las flechas en mi estómago
no sacaron el dolor de antes

Tu piel salada
me llevó al mar
No recuerdo la última vez que me ahogué

Respirar distinto y querer dejar de respirar
por algunos segundos
hubiera jurado que lo sentías

  Mis manos atraviesan las nubes,
  mis pies se hunden en ellas
  la lluvia de mis ojos
  se disuelve en estrellas
  se disuelven
  en el viento

-

[23 11 10]

las hamacas dan vértigo
y a veces no es lindo
a veces sólo querés volver a ir para atrás
pero ahí sube otra vez,
sentís que te vas a caer
y cuando querés parar
cuesta
arrastrar los pies, volver, arrastrar los pies
y quedarte sentada un ratito
antes de irte

-

[29 01 11]

Tus pies rozan los míos y los alejo,
flexiono las rodillas y los traigo hacia mí
mis dedos juegan con el pasto y con el agua,
mis ojos se cierran cuando salpicás

todo sin pensarlo, mientras escucho el agua

Quisiera enterrarme y no tener que respirar
Quisiera olvidarte y volverte a encontrar
Cuando sea otra
y mejor para los dos

El color de tus ojos sigue al sol,
no parecés darte cuenta
tus dedos se entierran en la arena
junto a los míos
no me voy, pero no quiero salir
me olvidé de respirar

-

[31 01 11]

i don't want to look,
don't want to know if you're home
i'm just going to wait
and see if the road
can take you out of my mind
or if, as the distance grows
you play a different part
in all this

missing you is a simple reminder
that you're here
maybe you won't wait for me but
who will we be when i come back?

-

[09 02 11]

Más noches en las que el cielorraso es mi pizarrón
Las sábanas me asfixian y mis piernas no se quieren mover
Mis muñecas gritan
Pero de otra cosa

Te recuerdo, los recuerdo a todos

Hoy parece que otra vez
Sólo voy a dibujar círculos

-

[11 02 11]

Desnuda, perfecta
Para ella y para los demás
"Salvo por las cicatrices",
decían los demás

Se recordaba desnuda,
bañada en sangre
Acababa de nacer
otra vez

Tantas veces pisar tantos clavos
Tantas veces rugir
Tantas veces silencio

Desnuda, perfecta
Es que por dentro era más difícil
Elegir qué marca dejar.

-

[20 02 11]

Son las tres de la mañana y el cielo está celestegris
Te escucho un poco entre la lluvia

Quiero dormir en el asfalto
(con alguien, quizás)

Me dibujo líneas en los labios.

Quiero golpearme contra el asfalto
(un poco)

Tus ojos son celestesverdes
Somos rocas y a veces somos aire

Quiero hundir mis brazos en el asfalto

2011-03-19T00:59:00.003-03:00

todo el tiempo quiero decir ESTÁ TODO COMO EL ORTO pero no lo hago porque a nadie le sirve de nada
y porque es fácil hacer como que tengo todo bajo control y porque trato de tener todo bajo control
pero no :D

2011-03-15T19:14:00.006-03:00

[ photo by jɑne ]
a stable place to hide part III

2011-03-10T21:50:00.001-03:00

2011-02-25T01:07:00.003-03:00

2011-02-22T04:26:00.001-03:00

so desperate to fall in love
with a song,
a colour,
the eyes of a stranger
some new fragrance
or a nearly-forgotten perfume
the taste of water
or a touch never felt before

changing seasons
they fold and unfold
as days and nights
come and go

(i will be when you are with me.)

frozen light
dry tongue
heavy stomach
sore limbs

stories
cars
skies about to fall
and collide
breaking windows
tearing down
the walls

(be careful, i might explode.
but for now,
everyone is blind.)

when i stare at you i'm looking inside myself.
seeing things shine for once.
for a while.
then you turn your back and it goes black
and red and dead.

i dance
on piano keys
i've hurt
my knees
something flies
around me
you come back to life
inside me

something flies around me and grabs me by the neck
i hurt my knees
well is this something you would expect
no, it never is

and so
i guess i'll go
listen, i'm always
the one who leaves
and even though
you'll never know,
there is a trail
for the one who sees

one blooming day
i'll fall in love
with a new place
a new beat
one gloomy day
i'll fall in love
with a new face
a heartbeat

and then who knows
maybe i'll disappear.

2011-01-01T16:08:00.001-03:00

my love won't stand in the way
mine unfolds

2010-12-20T01:04:00.002-03:00

[24 11 10]

hay luz?

las cosas pasan muy rápido, una después de otra. no se confunden los límites pero sí las impresiones que dejan.
una noche te sentí más cerca que nunca, al día siguiente sentí que nos habíamos separado para siempre. un día empecé a construir, un día me olvidé, un día volví. cuando pude darme cuenta de que estaba sonriendo, algo se rompió otra vez. pero no dentro mío. bajé los interruptores y me moví casi por inercia.
entiendo mejor, actúo mejor, siento menos.
tengo mis momentos. soy tal vez demasiado cautelosa, cuento cada respiro. dibujo los límites y siento todo al mismo tiempo. guardo cada cosa en un lugar distinto.
lo que quiero decir es, después de tres días de sentir lo mismo, el mismo aire, las mismas mil voces, la música y las miradas, soy otra persona. no sé si un día me alcanza para acordarme de dónde estoy. y otro día más, lleno de otra música, otras miradas nuevas, y la mía de otra manera. me encuentro en otros lugares. muchas cosas se despliegan. después de todo eso, un golpe brusco para volver a lo de antes: resolver, resolver, resolver.
lo que quiero decir es, no sé cómo asimilo tantos cambios. no sé por qué los considero cambios tan importantes, en lugar de cosas que simplemente suceden. me cuestan las cosas simples, estoy preparada para que se compliquen en cualquier segundo. pero creo que, así como puedo bajar los interruptores, a veces puedo subirlos. no entiendo del todo qué hago o cómo lo hago, pero entiendo mejor, y recuerdo el aire de cada día.

-

no sé si tengo raíces ni sé si tengo futuro.
sé que estoy en el medio de algo, y lo voy a estar por mucho tiempo.
(me importan las cosas que tienen menos que ver con cómo me siento.)
no sé si son páginas o fronteras.
me importan las cosas que tienen más que ver con irme.
me limito a esperar.

2010-12-12T22:49:00.002-03:00

el fuego, y el sabor de todas esas noches
y de las cenizas que recordé en ellas
siempre estuve en otro lugar
esperando volver
a otro lugar
atenta, sin embargo
al frío del viento

me duermo en las baldosas de siempre
y sueño
con las baldosas de siempre

el fuego, tu respiración y la de ellos
me elevo un poco y me arden los ojos

algo atraviesa mis pulmones y se mezcla, por fin
con el frío del viento.

2010-12-08T02:03:00.000-03:00

hay algunas asociaciones que debo romper, ahora más que nunca.
para cambiar lo que siento tengo que ignorar lo que siento
por ahora

2010-12-05T16:51:00.001-03:00

Puede lo azul ya no estar a tu lado, pero eso no hará el mundo menos a[zu]lado.

[sab]

2010-12-03T02:31:00.000-03:00

no sé en qué pienso cuando no puedo dormir. después de un rato, después de llorar y de querer golpear todo y golpearme a ver si me canso, creo que trato de convertir esto del pseudo-insomnio en algún tipo de acto heroico, aunque sepa que no voy a sacar nada de eso.
me traje a mi peluche, que abrazo cada vez más fuerte, y lo dejé en el sillón. estoy dedicándome a mirar la pantalla como una idiota; casi nada es distracción suficiente, o al menos placentera. no puedo dejar de pensar que tendría que estar durmiendo en vez de escribir esta pelotudez simplemente para que alguien lo lea y se entere de mi existencia (?), y no sé, ¿venga con una solución mágica? tendría que estar durmiendo porque se van a la mierda todos mis planes, odio levantarme tarde, y trato de estar de buen humor durante el día pero no es lo mismo. la que se quiere ir a la mierda soy yo, al final.
de hecho, durante el día suelo estar tranquila, es verdad que ante lo más mínimo me dan ganas de llorar o vomitar, pero también se me pasa más rápido que antes. pero irme a dormir y levantarme son los peores momentos. irme a dormir sabiendo que me va a costar y que voy a soñar pesadillas o cosas peores (hechos deformados, culpas, personas que no deberían aparecer en maneras que no deberían aparecer, exageraciones, miedo, culpa, miedo). y levantarme cansada, sea temprano o tarde; si es temprano porque no dormí suficiente, si es tarde porque dormí demasiado y soñé demasiadas pelotudeces y tal vez ni siquiera descansé.
me siento tan idiota pidiendo (no sé a quién) que me deje dormir. que me deje tener un día tranquilo. últimamente ni en mi casa tengo tranquilidad. me quiero ir, pero no, quiero que mi casa sea mi casa. cada solución me parece estúpida, no entiendo cómo no puedo decidir que no me van a importar las cosas, cómo cada vez siento menos pero no puedo hacer que mi mente deje de funcionar, no se calla nunca. y ahí sí, siento, siento la inestabilidad que ya es algo bastante común, y vuelta a lo mismo: ¿por qué no puedo entender esto de otra manera y estabilizarme?
escribir esto me está enojando más de lo que me está "sirviendo para descargarme", así que basta.

2010-11-30T17:40:00.002-03:00

making you a part of...

2010-11-08T16:53:00.003-03:00

Le hablé de cómo hasta aquel momento no había comprendido que aquélla era una historia de gente sola, de ausencias y de pérdida, y que por esa razón me había refugiado en ella hasta confundirla con mi propia vida, como quien escapa a través de las páginas de una novela porque aquellos a quien necesita amar son sólo sombras que viven en el alma de un extraño.

2010-11-07T02:10:00.001-03:00

espero que te duela mucho.

2010-10-29T21:23:00.001-03:00

yes, i admit it
i need love and nothing more
how come it always ends like this
with me being the last to know

why do you all assume that i won't feel a thing
who the fuck do you think i am

my heart hurts and it's not because of you
i just don't know where to find me

i am nowhere and no one can see me

2010-10-17T23:38:00.000-03:00

no me estoy llevando muy bien con esto de necesitar tanto y querer nada.

2010-10-06T03:18:00.000-03:00

they are making our disorder stand
with glory dripping from our hands
we sank those words deep
where the guts once were
and now a flower field lays

today you refused
killing shadows
with long fingernails,
they’ve scratched the walls
leaving the mark of your mistakes

this is your disorder
and is no longer your chaos
it has become a lifetime disease
that will eat your eyes
until you turn blind

[federico cabrera]

2010-09-27T18:12:00.002-03:00

[24 09 2005]

2010-09-20T02:15:00.001-03:00

all i can think of is "please don't go" and "why do you do this to me"
then i realize there's something much bigger than this
those moments
change us
they stay somewhere, they make us
i'll never forget how i felt, it's still here
we are one
tonight and forever

let it go, let it stay
let it be and let it change
time scares me but you will save me
and when i close my eyes you'll be there

all i can think of is "thank you"
and i hope i can learn one day
to believe
to be strong
i believe in love because of you
i will never forget
even when i think i don't recognize you anymore
i'll close my eyes and you'll be there
somewhere, making me feel
alive

2010-09-17T01:53:00.002-03:00

sí, tengo miedo de decir toda la verdad
ya no me escuchás como antes
o tal vez yo era diferente

no es muy difícil hacer algo, cualquier cosa
pero es lo que me define, no saber avanzar
si no me escuchás vos quién lo va a hacer

quiero llorar e irme con mis padres. pero no lo hago, no saben lo que significa para mí que me apoyen o me aconsejen. que me cuestionen menos de lo que yo me cuestiono a mí misma.

es lo que me define, rendirme sin que se note demasiado
llorar cuando el resto duerme y decir que no me importa
o hablar con cualquiera que no sepa cómo me hace sentir en realidad

sí, llorar es una excusa también
que no me escuches es una excusa
que la decisión que tome no decepcionaría a nadie es una excusa
que soy demasiado exigente conmigo misma es una excusa

puede no importarme ahora pero estas cosas nunca dejan de doler
y no puedo reemplazarlas por otras

que mis manos estén frías es una excusa
tener que tomar pastillas todos los días
tener miedo de que algo pase
en cualquier momento
es tan fácil encontrar razones
para rendirse, aburrirse, cansarse

tal vez me escucharías,
tal vez soy yo la que dejó de confiar
siempre necesito otra cosa,
y cuál es la parte que está equivocada
fingir vs ser egoísta y querer cosas imposibles

exagero todo
escribir también es una excusa para perder el tiempo

creo que tal vez me sirve para hartarme (qué fácil)
y poder pensar en otra cosa
un poco

2010-09-15T14:42:00.002-03:00

Un paso de diferencia entre amor y odio... eso dicen.
Lo imagino como dos islas separadas por un pequeño hilo de agua fría y cristalina, pero a la vez tóxica.
Estas de un lado o del otro, no siempre lo elegís, así como tampoco tenes muchas opciones a la hora de cambiarte de lugar. Terminas siendo un nómada, bastante desorientado ya que no sabes muy bien de que lado quedaste, si del amor o del odio.
En cada isla hay una copia exacta de todo lo que existe en la otra, pero los sentimientos son diametralmente opuestos. Sí, siguen estando las mismas personas, los mismos lugares, pero te das cuenta que el trato ya no es igual.
Llega un momento en el cual de tantos cambios anímicos se te destruye la brújula y no sabes de que lado estas. Te asustas, porque no tener el control de las cosas es horripilante,
- ¿Cómo no voy a saber que siento? - te preguntas incansablemente. Y no, no lo sabes más.
Por momentos crees que una nueva especie de planta nace cerca tuyo, la contemplas emocionado y pensas que es el amor que te pone estúpido. Pero a la vez, no muy lejos del lugar en cuestión, notas como otra especie desaparece por siempre y te alegras de que así sea.
Así que te planteas si realmente existen dos islas o, si simplemente, buscas la forma de separar la tierra para creer que existen sentimientos encontrados.

[ by danu ]

2010-09-12T04:28:00.001-03:00

i'm wasting my time
well that wouldn't really matter if i wasn't wasting theirs too

2010-09-05T23:32:00.000-03:00

todo lo que se me ocurre escribir empieza con "tal vez".
la música que elijo escuchar me lleva a lugares que no quiero recordar,
o la siento lejana y aburrida.

nox opens the window, it had been closed for years
the path is still there, oh where did she go
where did she leave her
what would they say
if they saw each other now

a ray of sun lays on the side of the room
that she'd almost forgotten,
paints a picture on the wall
"maybe i haven't lost anything",
and that's why it still hurts

gris-

something broke,
but the nights melt together

well was it ever real?, nox asked herself.
i know that the words i wrote back then
are still under the white wallpaper,

even though i don't believe in you
some days i still wait for you

something broke, and something was never there
we couldn't coexist
but i still dream that i can go back to that day
i still dream that i can be brave
and either stay with you or leave
because when i watched you go
i knew you'd never come back
and i would never forget you.

2010-08-30T13:50:00.000-03:00

empty me in the crowded room
empty me except for you

lying awake in the empty room
who am i talking to
empty me without you

2010-08-05T02:49:00.001-03:00

there's always gonna be something. i can't focus, i never can. i'm always about to start anything but it ends before that. i only remember the bad parts. keep replaying them in my head. i get sick and i get stuck. then i make excuses. then i'm not sure anymore which are the real reasons for the decisions i make. i keep trying to find deeper meaning in something that really doesn't need to be more than just what it is. the simple things, i can't enjoy them. i don't know what's better or worse, i could find reasons for both and i don't know which side i'm on. what i do doesn't seem enough. what i like isn't motivational or inspirational enough. because every time i'm about to start something, i'm sure it's going to be a waste of time. a teacher told my class once, the result is only an idea; it's changing all the time. you have to keep in mind what you want that result to be, but let it change during the process. focus on the process, on what you are doing at the moment. you will find or come up with things you hadn't thought of before. so there it is. i've learned my lessons. i know how i should think and feel and act. now what is it that keeps me from doing this? i can't stand to listen to the word "fear" in my head again. i keep saying it. i know myself well. it always gets to this point. and before i over-analyze everything again and feel like everything around me is useless and meaningless, i run and then do something that doesn't "involve me". passive. i look at pictures. i listen to music. i watch a movie or a tv series. i write meaningless words about how everything is meaningless and then laugh at myself. i feel guilty. why am i wasting my time? i want to share something with the world. i want to feel like i'm part of the world. i always notice what i can't do. i'm not really good at anything (or am i?). it shouldn't matter so much as long as i'm not throwing my life away, i guess. i'm responsible. i want to learn. but it's always so hard to start. there's also a part that doesn't depend on me, of course. i hate that thought. i get angry. so why not focus on what i can do? there is something. something won't let me move on. replaying in my head, over and over. (i wrote something about that the other day-

i feel like every decision i make is a lie. maybe truth is overrated and all i have to do is forget and pretend. well i've already done that, and sooner or later the secrets come out in ways no one (sometimes not even me) could understand. so i'd end up hurting everyone around me anyway.)

something keeps happening and i can't accept it, really. i understand. but it still hurts. it still scares me. maybe the scars are the only things that mean something. some of them are the only way i could speak when words didn't help. the point isn't hurting myself - not consciously. i notice how it keeps haunting me though, the thought of me being responsible for everything that goes wrong. for every aching bone. for every broken heart. for every time i wasn't able to sleep. for every thing i couldn't start. for every thing i never learned. i've blocked things out. i've left myself out. i push them away. i never forget them. i'm responsible for every thing that i can't control. either i messed it up or i'm not trying hard enough. i don't know who i'm supposed to be, and yet who i'm supposed to be is more important than who i am. because who i am can't do anything except complain. i learned my lessons. i know how i should feel. i have better moments, i have worse too. there's still something. something that reminds me of what's missing. the shape of it keeps changing. i'm not sure where i am. i was left behind by who i wanted to be. what i don't seem to realize is that i can still be whoever i want to be. i can't fight. i always surrender. i can't stand defeat, even if i'm good at denying how things like this really affect me. i can't stand letting everyone down. i know there's a part of me who thinks that i need to be punished for that. for not being enough. for making them unhappy. for making myself unhappy. what a vicious circle. keeps replaying. the same way i repeat words or sentences when i write. it keeps going. things might seem to be clear but there's always something confusing, something i can't really get a hold of. i'm wasting my time and so are you. why don't i just live until i die? but why not enjoy it while i can? well can i? there are many things that make me happy. there's love. there's music. there's home. there's family. i don't take anything for granted. but i still need something else. i tend to make myself stop needing. the numbing feeling is relieving, but it can't last forever. i'm always going to need something, some things will never leave, and to not do anything about it will always make me feel frustrated before i feel numb. i can erase every feeling but only for a while - it lasts less every time. at this point i know i can't quit but i don't know where to start. "start anywhere, do anything". fear, and the way i think there's no point in being afraid of everything, seem to be staying for a long time. shame, and the way i think it's useless, seem to be staying for a long time too. maybe a bad decision doesn't matter so much either. maybe no one expects anything from me. maybe i shouldn't. or maybe, mistakes are also a part of who i'm supposed to be.

2010-08-01T22:13:00.000-03:00

algún día voy a salir de esto, van a ver.

2010-07-17T20:24:00.004-03:00

[ayer, viajando]

me muerdo los labios para no llorar

lloro para crear la ilusión
de que siento algo más

pensar "cuánto habrá que pensar"
creer que no se puede creer en nada

pero cuando sonrío es verdad

las sombras forman otro paisaje
(i still can't save you)
se reflejan en castillos de arena
se rasgan
cubren figuras de cristal
se desintegran
se hunden
se esconden
bajo la arena
y se mezclan en las noches
cubren figuras de cristal
y a los que duermen

se mueven con el sol,
corren con las calles
vuelven
con los que esperan
dividen a los que observan,
fluyen con el agua y con la arena
se hunden
y por la noche se mezclan
congelan castillos de cristal

¿los confines?
¿las cicatrices?
¿los destellos?
¿los reflejos?

cada vez que pestañeo y cambio de lugar
(cada vez que pestañeo cambio de lugar)
me muerdo los labios
para no olvidar

2010-07-16T21:10:00.003-03:00

cuaderno (más bien hojas sueltas) #13

-

[09 04 10]

¿por qué destuir me da más poder que crear?

-

[03 05 10]

Lady Fear spoke,
she said I won't leave you
I'll be in your dreams
and i'll be there when you wake up

lady shame screamed.
she had to make sure she wasn't forgotten.

where do I stand
where do I sleep

-

[13 04 10]

25. quiero inventar cuentos y meterme en ellos.

-

[16 05 10]

we'll see how it goes, mientras mis venas y mis huesos me gritan que quieren romperse
que los rompa
y durmamos

-

[17 05 10]

1. No quiero verte
2. Quero verte ahora.
3. Sé que esto no va a durar.
4. Quiero verte ahora.
5. I'm not going to let you in. I don't know you.
6. ¿Cómo dejo de esperar?
7. Soy experta en camuflar las cosas.
8. Todo, todo, todo es tan inestable.
9. Necesito música linda (como la que estoy escuchando ahora) y un abrazo que dure todo el tiempo que lo necesite. "Contención", you know.
10. Cómo puedo ser fuerte si a la vida le encanta jugar conmigo, llevando las cosas cada vez más al límite. Tiene una manera que hace que no pueda estar segura de nada y que no pueda hablar de ello.
11. "Sos como una tormenta que nunca estalla".
12. Quiero verte ahora.
13. ¿Y si me estuviera muriendo?
14. Necesito verte ahora y pensar en otra cosa.

-

[21 05 10]

El frío ya es otra cosa.
Se separa del miedo y de vos.

Bitter cold
pero tal vez ya sea otra cosa
otra vez

soy tan buena para esto que el frío ya no soy yo,
y me aleja de vos

Yo me muerdo los labios
y rompo cristales

Yo miro hacia abajo
y piso cristales

y vengo, y voy
y rompo, y estoy
y me trago las palabras que no entiendo
y sangro las que siento

tal vez pueda esconderme en el frío de la noche
y culparla
tal vez pueda acomodarme en el frío
mientras bailo
y piso cristales

-

[26 05 10]

Me encanta poder aprender de mí. Me encanta que no signifique nada, porque puedo seguir haciéndolo.

-

[27 05 10]

4. Tal vez lo único que debería importarme sea verte otra vez,
o tal vez debería importarme todo menos eso.

-

[30 05 10]

Veo muchos colores del miedo.

-

[04 07 10]

es difícil entender, incluso para mí
cómo siempre me esfuerzo por cosas invisibles
"en qué gasto mi tiempo?"
cómo me consumo
por cosas que nadie ve
o que parecen simples

-

[13 07 10]

esperar

un poco de alivio

un abrazo, un poco de frío

sólo esperar

-

[15 07 10]

descubro tantas cosas de mí
(pero no es siempre así?)
y ahora me pregunto
de qué sirven
tal vez las que importan sean otras

es tan fácil perder la calma

cada viaje es lo mismo, ¡no lo neguemos!
cada página es lo mismo -pero no lo digas más.

estoy evitándolo, ¡no me fuerces!
sin embargo sigue ahí
todo lo que duele
todo lo que me hago doler

sé el poder que tengo
sé el poder que tenés

sé el poder que tuvieron sobre mí
esas cosas que todavía no puedo identificar
(o será simplemente como siempre creí
que sé todo menos la solución)

por qué armo la imagen una y otra vez
si sé que será diferente

las imágenes de distintos mundos

2010-06-26T21:45:00.000-03:00

emociones encontradas.
opuestas, no se quieren contradecir
quieren ser todo
que seas todo

las flechas que vienen silbando
desde el otro lado
en mi garganta y en mi corazón y en mi estómago
y en mis rodillas

como si cada palabra
fuera una sentencia de muerte

lo que más recuerdo
es cómo se van las cosas
y los reflejos que vuelven
desde el otro lado

aprender, desprender
fronteras

soy antes
y antes y antes
soy esencias
y fronteras
(que a veces
quieren que seas todo)

soy idiomas
-¿cómo hacer que no me entiendas?-
soy silencios
-¿cómo hacer que quieras?-

las mañanas, los inviernos
conocerte otra vez

las marcas, las huellas
soy esencias y ausencias

la música del viento
como si cada flecha
fuera una sentencia de muerte
que me recuerda dónde estoy.

2010-06-26T14:08:00.001-03:00

tranquilidad

Cuando tu mente se hunde en sus regiones más básicas y primitivas, los pequeños placeres de la vida son los únicos que importan; el ahora, el ya mismo. Nada más existe. Y es por eso, que en esos momento, nada aprecio más que un suelo de lozas bien frías, con un silencio aplastante, y la ropa cálida que vestí la noche anterior. Un fuera de tiempo muy apreciado, una desaparición que a nadie importa, perder la consciencia y que minutos se vuelvan años...

[from the rain gods.]

2010-06-11T03:21:00.004-03:00

[el otro día, creo que el viernes] [me había copado con lo inevitable, claramente]

el inevitable licuado mental.

empezar a despedazar.
¡no sólo a conocer!
hacer una receta propia.
un desastre propio.

escupir semillas.
ensuciarlas y volverlas a tragar.

ya que no es posible crear nada,
¡empezar a morder!

ocultos de las bestias
bajo la piel de las bestias.

2010-06-05T21:51:00.000-03:00

l'inevitabile viaggio
di un anima fragile.

"spegni la luce!"

piove,
solo tu lo senti.

2010-05-25T03:47:00.001-03:00

[algún día random]

"sos como una tormenta que nunca estalla", rió.
"y vos les ponés nombre a las cosas, para ver si encontrás partes del tuyo."
"nombrame."
"las estrellas."

2010-05-19T00:06:00.001-03:00

I remember you. That's the thing.

You are already in the past.

[from ianth's blog]

2010-05-09T18:55:00.003-03:00

[07 05 10]

i don't miss you.
i miss the possibility
the wonder
even the surprises
even your smiles
but i don't
i don't miss you.

-

i'm addicted to this hurting feeling
the fire, the rain, the desert ground and the cold nights
i'm addicted to silencing my own thoughts
and trying to find something that words can't describe.

2010-04-11T23:24:00.004-03:00

[? 04 10]

i want new eyes
i want a new world

i want to play your veins like strings
steal you one night
steal the night from you

i don't want a taste
i don't want a chance

i want it all

-

a veces no veo lo que ven mis ojos
a veces no hablo lo que quiero decir
a veces mis manos no sienten
más que el aire a través de mí

a veces, por días
escucho lo que dijiste
años atrás
y lo que nunca dirás
a veces mis huesos no sienten
más que los golpes
que quieren olvidar

(a veces soy un recuerdo y a veces nada,
y nunca el cielo)

ya nada me cambiará
a veces, por años
veo lo que nunca haré
y escucho, tan cerca
lo que nunca dirás

(y entre respiros
nada
y en el aire
nada)

-

so drown in shallow waters
smile with empty thoughts
and meaningless words
"one day", you say
"one day i'll have it all".

2010-04-02T13:28:00.000-03:00

una vez más, decido ir en mi contra.

el aire se va a ir dividiendo.

que los cortes sean más finos y profundos.
que marquen los límites del cielo.

2010-03-24T00:28:00.005-03:00

cuaderno 12:

[03 09 09]

tanto vacío tiene que ser algo.
lo (me) estoy llenando de cosas equivocadas.

"en realidad no es nada",
pero todo esto tiene que ser algo.
¿no basta con conocer mi historia?
tengo las respuestas a todo y sin embargo
tiemblo y me asfixio,
todavía.

me grito pero no sé dónde estoy.

¿a dónde voy cuando sueño?
¿a dónde voy cuando lo que esperé mucho tiempo se hace realidad?
¿a dónde iba cuando escribía? ahí quiero volver.

-

[05 09 09]

"i'm not afraid to go to sleep,
i'm afraid of the moment i wake up"

-

[13 09 09]

...and yes it hurts,
but the worst part is it doesn't hurt you.

-

[ ? ]

me escondo bajo muchos almohadones.
quiero abrir los ojos y no ver nada.

-

[10 12 09] (viaje bs as - brc)

tanto acá
seré diferente, soy diferente
excepto por mis muertes

tal vez también todos allá sean diferentes
y eso sea lo que necesitamos
y todo sea mejor que nunca
excepto por mis muertes

-

[18 12 09]

"tengo miedo de sentir porque lo que sentía era miedo".

-

[19 12 09]

no one flies with me

the sky is mine

-

[ ? ]

las lineas desaparecen.
queda, para mí, la huella de sus muertes.

-

[17 02 10]

tengo tanta paz
y tiembla

-

[01 03 10]

tu espalda
la mía
nuestras manos
tiemblan

nuestros pasos
se mezclan
tu voz
y el viento

mi silencio
me ahoga
mis ojos
se pierden

mis pestañas tiemblan
y tus palabras

mis lágrimas tiemblan
y se mezclan
con el viento

nuestros ojos se pierden
y nuestras palabras

tu espalda
mis brazos

el viento se enreda

mis venas,
tus huesos
se enredan

nuestros pasos
se mezclan

-

[ ? ]

2010-03-03T01:44:00.000-03:00

i feel weaker and stronger and invisible and invincible.

and sick.

2010-02-23T01:53:00.000-03:00

i'll vomit illusions
break the circle over again

please come into me
i want to scream you out

(la vez número mil
"sing with me"
significará algo diferente?)

if love is the only truth we live by then i think i'm not real

feel me,
feel me,
feel me

all i want to do is stay right next to you
while i turn into a ghost
"who am i going to be?"

you are but a shadow of my dreams
sometimes i just can't stay awake
and sometimes my body can't rest

it's all frozen and quiet
i'm here but i can't breathe
there's nothing in me
no blood no bones no skin
but i'm here

could i come back and start building my body
could i come back and build my soul
my eyes
could i come back and get to you
or decide that i don't need it at all

if love is the only truth we live by, well then i think
i can never die

swim with me
sink with me

right when i start making sense
that's when i feel more lost

(where is the line
between finding yourself and losing yourself
where is the line
between building yourself and destroying
everything you were)

you are but a shadow of my dreams
and i'll become a shadow too

i am the smoke and the ashes
"another part of me must die"
be forgotten

i ended so many lives
i've died a thousand times

but so much comes out of my mouth it's burning me empty

please come back into me
that way i think i could never die
i want to scream you out
so you become my voice
my breath
my death
and my fire

i said too much and i've lied again
my heart can't feel me

i try to reach you but my hands only meet the glass
that separates you from who you really are

it's gone again, everything but my conscience
no blood no lungs no heart
the room is shaking
it doesn't break me

i am forever alive
i think i couldn't die if i tried

you're the rain i see through my window
i'm the smoke,

i've left long ago.

2010-02-17T03:53:00.000-03:00

por qué no tengo lo que quiero, por qué quiero tanto, por qué me aburro de lo que quiero y de lo que tengo, por qué me duele querer y también me duele no querer y me duele todo, me duele tener y no entender y no entender por qué me duele ni qué me duele a veces, por qué me canso de preguntar, por qué las respuestas no son otra cosa, no son eternas, se desgastan, se rompen.

2010-01-23T02:03:00.000-03:00

storm and the sun

2010-01-19T14:13:00.002-03:00

"si no puedo aprender, olvidaré".

la sombra de Sombra en mis ojos
yo nunca te conocí
pero sólo a ti

y ahora voy a cubrir las paredes de espejos

then he woke up with a silent scream
thought of you and everyone else
but only you
could get it right

so i woke up and my dream wasn't a dream
but it won't last
'cause only you
could still come back

i'll write you a letter and bury it deep
i'll write you a song i'll play it only for me
'cause only you
could still figure me out
and make me forget
that i forgot how to speak

we can never forget how it all began.
no matter what we say, this will never end.

"no creo que lo recuerdes, entonces olvidaré".

mis labios no quieren decir la otra mitad,
está escrito en la sombra de Sombra y tantos más

y si cierro mis ojos
nunca me encontrarás.

2010-01-16T12:14:00.002-03:00

my heart will never listen

the world turns white,
  i breathe it in
  i'm gone

pull me out, pull me out
  drown in me

be my death

my heart won't listen

walk with me

right now: nowhere
i will never be alive

keep walking
i'm not breathing
but i keep walking

(could i make you believe
you can walk with me?)

the day is coming
the day never ends

blind my eyes
maybe i can run faster

never feel the air
in and out your lungs

run

walk with me at dusk

don't let me run away
when the day comes

light, blind my eyes
erase my words
silence my voice

rain, come at night
sing with me

2010-01-09T16:58:00.002-03:00

...

chemical warfare is a dangerous game.
the explosions are not bright; they’re dark.
and the more bombs ignite, the darker it gets.
leaving you sinking, sinking, sinking,
further away from what is real,
from what you know makes sense.
until you lose your sense of direction.
and reality feels like a memory.

just because it’s not real,
doesn’t mean it must be fake.

[ from jk royston's blog. ]

2009-12-28T18:31:00.000-03:00

today is just another day.
another disease spreads
another cure

the only thing that's mine is this heart

the words i say only have meaning to me
the things i remember
only mean something to me

missing you so much
is really missing who i was back then
when you were around

you think i've changed, like you did
but i only learned
that who you are doesn't really matter
if you don't fit in,
if they don't see it

(being free has always meant
being alone)

"you are what they make you"

missing you
is really wishing we were the same

and to the same questions they ask now
what was my answer back then?

i used to have the right words
to say everything you wouldn't listen to

i used to have the right words
to remind you that you weren't listening

as this room gets colder
the disease spreads

deeper where i don't want to let you in
deeper where i always want to be

the more i seem to be like you
the more i see i'm not like you

deeper where i'm slowly letting you in
deeper where i slowly start to leave

i'm not you but i'm no longer myself

the only thing that's mine
is this heart

2009-11-26T00:20:00.002-03:00

i am only an island.

2009-11-06T17:41:00.001-03:00

all of my dreams are all i see
try not to wake me, can't you see
all of my dreams are all i want to see
try not to wake me,
try not to wake me

love me alone leave me alone

2009-10-20T16:49:00.001-03:00

i need to get better at getting worse so i can get better at what i do.

pick up the pieces that matter
draw the borders

build my home

2009-10-14T12:52:00.003-03:00

[06 10 09]

Turpentine, Pizarnik
mis huesos de polvo
mis palabras hechas polvo

le doy lo que quiero tener
señor amanecer
ya era tarde cuando lo encontré

esperaré

-

El "podría haber", otra vez.
qué pasó
Me enterré en las verdades
pero mis ojos
mis ojos no lo entendieron

-

Elevarme a otro estado
ser vapor en el vapor
hasta que algo me obligue a pestañear
y brillar diferente
de no brillar

-

El río no está seco.
está congelado y
Siento el frío,
no soy parte de él.

Esto es sólo el principio pero se desvanece
y su sombra
sus últimas palabras son más fuertes

kids running while i drown
i run
in circles

-

te meto para mezclarte
que seas otra
ya no eres nada
pero yo no soy nada sin ti

y qué podría importar
qué podría importar

-

tal vez hoy sea el día
pero siempre es el día y el momento
yo me ciego anticipando el recuerdo

sí, uno tiene que cambiar.

-

me miente la necesidad
y creo que es verdad
la verdad de los demás

me hubiera fugado cuando tenía a dónde ir,
ahora sólo me conozco así
y sólo me conozco a mí.

las islas me salvan,
son islas que tampoco conozco
del todo

la vergüenza me miente,
las islas me mienten

-

[12 10 09]

"todo lo que tienes que hacer es sentir la furia".
Estoy desenterrando el principio
y en el casillero final
y al final
cuál de todas seré

ojos bien abiertos
para dejar entrar el mar

el viento?
no, puedo morder el viento.
puedo devorarlo.

encerrarnos, enterrarnos
querer salir
y me rompe y vuelvo a ser
nada más

-

[13 10 09]

Tanto pensar qué decir y al final para qué
sólo para hundirme más en mí misma

-

There's always something you don't know
i've created two or three or a thousand worlds
but i always need one more

-

[14 10 09]
[nox conoce a Sombra]

y por qué una casa?
una casa en un jardín.
un jardín de lo que no olvido
y una casa donde creo recuerdos
insignificantes
desde el momento
en que entendí dónde estaba.

un jardín también quise y construí
y una casa porque tengo que probar que soy
y a quién si no hay nadie
a quién si no hay dónde

porque al fin
no lo niegues
tú y yo existimos

yo existo para probar que existo
tú existes para dejar de existir
para engañarte
para creer que tu mundo es otro

yo existo para gritar el silencio
tú existes para encontrarlo
pero -no lo dije yo- el silencio no existe
tú existes para buscar y para dejar de buscar
para creer que tu silencio es otro

una casa
por tener muros que pintar
que escribir que rayar
que rasgar
por ver todo
por abrazar las sombras
por escuchar el eco de mis gritos
por mostrar una parte
a los extraños

incendiemos todas las ausencias

2009-10-13T14:45:00.005-03:00

ávida.
mentirosa.

empujo para que se note menos que me empujan.
y quién está detrás

quién usó mis palabras
antes que yo

2009-09-30T00:03:00.003-03:00

...always

2009-09-17T17:12:00.001-03:00

am i right where i need to be
or is this another distraction?
is this how i'm supposed to feel
i've been trying to let go

is there a change you need to see
or is this another disaster?
tell me how i'm supposed to feel
i've been trying to let go

(oh... why won't you wake up?)

2009-09-03T00:03:00.006-03:00

terminé el cuaderno 11.

-

[10 02 09] - nox

they were ten.
the girl who never spoke a word is screaming in your ears again. whispering your worst fears.

[06 03 09]

atrapada porque hasta las palabras se me pierden.

sé lo que me hace mal y lo que me hace bien.
pero estoy siempre luchando contra las dos cosas.

cuando la multitud afuera era demasiada
y ella ocupaba casi toda la casa
con sus sueños y palabras de silencio
flotando alrededor,
nox tuvo que dejarla ir.
había olvidado qué era perder
y que los fantasmas no se fueran.

[13 03 09]

nada tiene sentido,
pero tal vez pueda inventarle uno.

[02 04 09]

[03 04 09]

complicar todo es mi especialidad.
romper cosas para probar mi capacidad de arreglarlas.

[10 05 09] - smux

-sky, where are we going?
-you'll forget about the sun.

[ ? ]

the stars that cut through my heart
i already counted them one day.

[09 06 09]

this time it's alright
but be careful when you fall
because no one's there at all.

[22 06 09] (borrador del blog)

it's been a while and it's not always been the same.

2009-08-24T03:15:00.002-03:00

[22 08 09]

cuando decía que no importaba porque igual era una partícula insignificante, igual que lo que yo pensaba que era lo más importante y quien yo pensaba que era demasiado.

dejé de buscar, volví a intentar, me comparé con otros tiempos, con otras historias, envidié, quise hacer que me envidiaran, me escondí, quise hacer que me buscaran.
me perdí. quise que me encontraran.

empecé un millón de veces. empiezo un millón de veces.

un aroma y un dolor familiares. un entorno distinto. todo se mete y se mezcla aunque yo salga o crea que me voy. mi casa no está en ningún lado, es todo lo que va cambiando y volviendo.

todo tiene más sentido cuando no lo tiene, y cada vez que es más tarde hay más tiempo para empezar.

cuando no hay nada más para decir, se acumulan muchas más cosas. repetir es sentirse débil. descubrir las distintas caras, mostrar sólo las nuevas, es sentirse casi vacío.

las noches son todas iguales, salvo cuando estás vos. los días son diferentes, salvo cuando no hay nadie.

me pierdo en los laberintos que yo misma creé. me olvido qué había a la salida.

tiemblo y recuerdo golpes. cierro los ojos y recuerdo pesadillas.
y después veo cómo el aire es más claro ahora, la luz flota en todas las cosas.

y al principio cómo era? mucho más rápido pero de otra manera. lo peor fue en el medio. cuando no supe cómo. aunque fuera mejor para el resto. y ahora cómo es? no estoy segura de entender todo. no estoy segura del todo. pero sí un poco más que antes, que en el medio, y que al principio aunque yo no lo sabía. ahora lo sé y aunque no sea todo, es cada vez más, y menos de lo innecesario.

ahora los destellos del sol y la luna me rozan la piel. lo que extraño se hunde en mí mientras lo que no tengo inunda todo adentro mío. lo que sé, lo que tengo, lo que amo, fluye.

el problema siempre es el futuro. la parte que espero y que no sé, por supuesto. la parte que creo saber no es suficiente.
y el problema no sería un problema sin el pasado.
pero las cosas se mezclan y mi casa siempre estuvo en todas partes, en distintos momentos que fueron y volvieron y van y vuelven para hacer diferentes combinaciones.

el problema son las consecuencias. éstas, que son las consecuencias de lo que pasó, y las que van a ser consecuencias de esto.

siempre me conocí bien. ahora pude conocer otras cosas y hacerlas parte de mí. pude ser parte de otras cosas. ahora puedo más que antes.
a veces hay límites. siempre hay maneras pero es difícil encontrarlas.
a veces prefiero no entender; es más fácil encontrar salidas así que si creo que entiendo algo y aún así no puedo hacer nada.
a veces todo se mezcla y cuando cierro los ojos sólo veo pesadillas.

cuando me voy a dormir espero no soñar. cuando me despierto espero respirar. caminar lentamente de las nubes a la tierra siguiendo corrientes de aire.
cuando abrazo la almohada, cuando tengo frío. cuando hago el café y las listas.

"el mapa y las pistas".
tal vez lo vamos armando.
y desarmando.
y otra vez.

otra vez, a veces. tal vez a veces sea para siempre.
tal vez siempre vea lo mismo al cerrar los ojos, y tal vez siempre haya excepciones.
como cuando estás o no hay nadie.
cuando otro tiempo y espacio y éste son lo mismo.

mañana cuando relea esto lo voy a entender de otra manera.

-

reflections in broken mirrors.
the pieces fit.

2009-07-27T17:20:00.002-03:00

¿sé demasiado?

todo lo que digo, todo lo que escribo es tan superficial.

2009-07-23T23:59:00.001-03:00

20 names to songs i'll never write:

01. what happened

02. my lies are all i have
03. alone, scared and gone
04. lie and love

05. the bitter taste of the best moments
06. they see nowhere
07. the imprint
08. asphyxiate and fly
09. i'm not like you but i like you
10. and so it carried me away

11. if it's not you, this can't be us
12. all of a sudden, all of me

13. swallow the bullet

14. rollercoaster (do you remember me?)

15. you're all so weak and blurry
16. out of all the things i love, you are my favorite
17. big mistakes in small places
18. maybe forever
19. let it out (i just want to see your eyes when you look at what i've done)

20. i won't need you if you're not here but i'll be there if you need me

2009-07-16T23:41:00.000-03:00

headphones on, volume up
still my favorite songs and dreams seem so far away.

2009-07-16T16:15:00.001-03:00

a terrible love song, you sang it so sweet.

it happened so fast i can't even remember the feeling.

sweaty and sleepy,
like every other time.
i don't know what it was,

i can see right through your eyes,
inside and outside

and now that we are the same,
everything's got to change.

"i'm sorry i'm not what you need,
i'm sorry i'm not what i need to be".

somewhere between the lines
of the letters we wrote
and too much talking on the phone
somewhere between the times i run into you
and "i don't believe in coincidences",
we got caught up
and i locked every door.

"never", like the coldest wind.
like the haunting nightmare.

we fear to be free.

"never", but was it a lie?
things are not what you expect them to be.

the smoke, the lights off
we share something deeper tonight.

"i can never let you go".

but i don't even remember the feeling.
just one word.

right now i feel like i've gone two years back.
it's all here again.
if this is it then i don't want to grow up.
because right now i feel like the most important part
of everything i am
has left me.

the worst part is i need you more than anything.

i remember every word you said.
how i couldn't get you at all
but still wanted to know.
i remember trying to change you.
well look at us now,
i'd never thought we'd end up like this.

the scenery changes
all the time.
but we both need something to hold on to.

i never thought it'd break us apart,
but i never thought we'd depend on it
as something else than love.

the meaning changes
all the time.
i can see right through your eyes.
"more than anyone", you said.
more than anything in the world.

and yet there's so much more.

2009-07-07T01:34:00.000-03:00

holding on to only a ghost.
my greatest possession is something that doesn't exist.

2009-06-29T16:42:00.002-03:00

esto lo subí ya veinte veces a veinte lugares diferentes, pero creo que pocas veces me describí tan bien.

[29 06 06]

la sombra líquida se desliza por tus manos imitando el juego de los pájaros en el atardecer de aquel día cuando me dijiste que nunca más, que para siempre y te quedaste.

i believed i could be more than just a stupid kid pretending to be a whore that pretends to be nice. i ask you why is my reflection cutting my sky with its stare, i ask you why your reflection is cutting my sky when stars rain and waves of light are suffocating my only shadow,
my ghost is crawling in your skin,
i ask you, cant you see it?
can you please, please ignore it?
ignore me-

now you'll keep me twirling around your sea
you know i got a spyglass
you know i got my dreamship

you know i'd break my cristal sphere
if you could understand
that i dont want to break the music
it's not me that's killing all the words
you built so recklessly

but right now you know i wont fail
i burnt my eyes for you once
i found you lost in a palace of grey

it's just a name,
scream at me,
it's just a name...

ese día que me esmero en guardar porque no hay otro, porque de lo contrario no habría días, ay ese día me hiciste caer
en tu cueva
encadenada pero sin darme cuenta porque
nunca dijiste
cuando insinuaste
que era cierta
cada palabra que construiste tan torpemente, fácilmente, rápidamente,

tu sombra gris y líquida por mis venas y ese día

behind my eyes
your song

es más de lo mismo, más de lo mismo y por eso quiero conservarlo,
lo viejo, desgastado, renovado, brilla, brilla, brilla, fluye pero por qué
por qué tuve que

i know-
i know it's just a name
i'm just a name expecting to
be your name
be like your name
your shadow

silver eyes
tell me
where am i
in your cave
in your cage
on the stage

acting
acting like my name
your play
your shadow
falling like rain..

-

ah sí, y recién ahora me doy cuenta de que hoy es 29 del 06. já :D .

2009-06-19T03:15:00.001-03:00

or maybe i should just shut up.

2009-06-15T21:10:00.001-03:00

"let's get this over with", she said.
and so we did, and it felt better than any time before.
yet it was not love, there was something else...

more confusion to my dizzy head.
but with some strange feeling of satisfaction.

"now i'm the same as you".
nothing will change but everything is going to feel different.

2009-06-13T03:38:00.000-03:00

"i'll create something,
i wish this night was all for me

you inspire me
as my words expire

this is my masterpiece

i'm gonna create something you can't break

is it friday already?
thank god i don't have a life
on the other side of this road

there isn't a door to close anymore"

except then i walked in and i couldn't be me,
the air was thick as it's always been.

i can't stay here waiting.
i need action.
i need only me surrounding me.
"leave me alone!"

[i'll bite my tongue because all i really want to do is bite yours]

i came in and it went out
of me like a scream
but you'd never hear 'cause you're too busy talking
about something i won't listen to either

but you won't notice
because you're too busy speaking

jumping around and wasting around
the sweat's gotta be your ink
the mess is gonna show
but after it's well hidden
till i gain control

you're a freak but you fit so well
years of training aren't for nothing
you're bored and anxious but you fit so well
speaking calmly as you stare

the best and the worst
the bitter and the cold
what you forgot
and "what's going on?"

i know you better than yourself because i know your worst part
the one you can't hide and you'll never see
'cause it's in everything you do
it's all inside you and all around you
and it blurs your eyes
when you try to define
who you are

and so we stand and so we stare
and so you turn your back
but i won't come and find you
i won't surprise you because that's what you expect

(my mouth is shut,
dry from screaming the truth
when no one can hear me
surrounded by walls
made of all my mistakes

and the windows i look through
are just the things i never had
and they're getting blurry too
when i try to decide
who i am)

we betrayed ourselves and there's something we can't deny
we don't want to find out that things could go wrong
even if we do it right, and so
we betrayed ourselves and everyone else
and so we stand and we walk
away
again
as it runs through our veins

"i know we share something
and it'll always come down to this".

boring
disappointing
overwhelming

ending. right here. again and forever.

2009-06-09T02:10:00.002-03:00

[02 02 09]

maybe it's because i don't say it enough.

because i know that half of the times you won't understand.

but maybe i should take the chance.

because i'll never know how the other half feels.

i've always said empty is better than torn apart,
there's nothing to take away if there's nothing there.

but there's always something. we can't deny it.
i can say i saw it coming but it doesn't make it much more easy to deal with.

and maybe it's better the other way around,
so if they take something away i still have a lot.
or enough.

because now it's not enough.

maybe i think i'm giving everything, but i'm missing something.

i don't know.
someone explain myself to me.

-

i don't feel like i'm awake, but i'm not dreaming.

there's trust and there's love and there's laughter
confidence
and freedom
in here somewhere.

i don't say the words i used to
when they made it easy to fall to the ground
and made it hard to fall asleep.

i'm going to find them and let myself go
because i've already found the will
and i'm slowly gaining strenght.

and the parts i don't understand
and can't build or break
well i'm sure they're going to show
when i'm just myself again.

2009-06-02T02:48:00.000-03:00

[24 05 09]

yes, i get it, thank you.
i may screw up a lot but it's all part of the process, right?

yet there are some things i can't deny.

"look at me,
look for me,
look after me."

flying free is good but sometimes i need direction.

i might be missing the point.

it all melts down too quickly.
perspective changes so fast, even if i feel i've seen everything so many times
in so many ways-
not enough.

"i can predict the next carcrash",

the dust settles.
i open my eyes so slowly.
sometimes i don't think i could ever wake up.

i know you can see it in my eyes.
but sometimes you'd just rather not look.

it's funny how it all comes and goes.
but they only see a part of it and so they stare
but don't bother to ask.

my eyes close so slowly
i sometimes don't think
i can ever truly sleep again.

enjoy the simple things.
i can't stop dreaming and hating.
i can't stop loving.

(going back to numb
is so tempting.
but i've decided
i can be better.)

it all happens so fast while i change so
so slowly.
sometimes i think i could never dream again.
but i think i've decided
that maybe
i could be better.

expectations kill.
some surprises bring you back to life.

some words are useless but
sometimes one word is all you need.

destroy me or take my hand.
but don't you dare walk away.

i wasn't lying, it's just that
sometimes i forget who i am.

feeling like i'm late again.
comparing myself to everybody else,
it really doesn't change a thing.

comparing myself to who i used to be,
well it reminds me
this ride is too slow
but i'm still here,
and i keep moving-

but sometimes i need direction.
sometimes i need to feel it in my skin.
in my hands.
the earth in my feet.

i hope you don't see it in my eyes
if you'd rather not ask
or stay to listen.

flying free is good but sometimes i need a home
and new places to explore
without being just a shadow
of what's so long gone.

-

i can't believe how much i've learnt and how much i still have to learn.
how many paths i've walked, all that's still waiting for me
and all the things i'll never see or feel.

2009-05-22T00:40:00.002-03:00

closing doors until my lungs are filled with water.
your words are like knives to my heart.

but you know what they say...

my ghost will stab you in the back.

2009-05-12T01:55:00.003-03:00

casi sin intentarlo, retrocedí una estación. menos mal.

"how much?"
lo mínimo, pero voy hasta el final - para volver otra vez.
las posibilidades de que me descubran son pocas, no?

"how much do you..."
las posibilidades de que me descubran...

i fell asleep on the ride.
the train stopped.
as i open my eyes it starts moving, so slow,
back home.

el boleto está escondido en mi abrigo,
tardo en encontrar las llaves aunque siempre estuvieron en el mismo lugar.
recuerdo al sentir el metal frío en mis manos.

at the end of the tunnel
there was a second of light
before i started moving back,

there was a silent smile
before i erased all the tracks;

everything i said is gone with the wind,
everything i've done is locked under the floor,

all that i've seen
is painted on these walls,

the stars on the ceiling
dance with me at night
and remind me of everything new.

i drown in ink as the sky keeps dripping down.
ready for the flood,
gone too soon.

"not that much really",
but the room looks brighter
and it's easier to see the scars.

2009-05-03T16:17:00.003-03:00

a veces no entiendo dónde estoy.

bastante seguido necesito preguntarme y mirar cómo estuve este último tiempo, al menos desde la última vez que me paré a pensar.
no me gusta cambiar si no tengo el control. "quiero decidir, como me creo que vengo haciendo".
una cosa lleva a la otra, no? todo lo que no veo o someto a análisis me produce una sensación de inestabilidad en algunos casos insoportable. y empiezo al revés, a tratar de encajar las cosas en un camino que pueda entender, a un paso que pueda entender.
no me gusta olvidarme. hay tantas cosas que me gustaría recordar mejor. y cosas que me gustaría recordar de otra manera.
me gustaría sentirme fuerte.

pero cada vez que hace frío recuerdo el invierno. cada vez que recuerdo el invierno inevitablemente recorro toda mi vida, lo que me trajo hasta acá y lo que más o menos logré dejar. y después, y ahora, me doy cuenta de cosas a las que no siempre presto atención. pararme y mirar alrededor nunca deja de sorprenderme.
y cuando me meto la idea del invierno en la cabeza, de verdad tengo la necesidad de cubrirme y quedarme en casa.
en mi casa de allá, de antes, en realidad. pero no, yo ya superé todo eso y ahora no necesito encerrarme, verdad?

voy aprendiendo a andar más despacio. a decir menos. sólo aprendo a ignorar más cosas. soy más difícil de encontrar o de verdad me estoy dejando ir?

a veces me siento tan bien conmigo misma que me da miedo. después un síntoma de las cosas que me hicieron mal desde que recuerdo, y no necesito nada más. siempre estuve en el mismo lugar.
para qué me fui si iba a volver?
no sé si volví de la misma manera. el camino es el mismo hace años, pero tal vez una parte de mí-
a veces de verdad siento que puedo disolverme y después, al volver, el vértigo sólo dura un segundo.
a veces, cuando me distraigo, casi pienso que mi vida es un sueño del que puedo despertar cuando quiera. a veces veo mi historia como si no fuera mía. como si fuera un libro que puedo cerrar, y puedo elegir otro.
pero el invierno siempre me hace volver. los viajes. la falta de palabras. las palabras que no sirven. lo que hago, lo que no controlo, lo que controlo demasiado. sentirme cansada, sentir ganas de hacer algo que después me va a hacer sentir peor.

el invierno nunca fue silencio para mí. pero siempre necesité ese silencio.

hay tantas cosas nuevas que me hacen bien. hay cosas que no entiendo cómo llegaron y no entiendo por qué necesito saberlo. y también me voy desprendiendo de más cosas. a veces eso me hace sentir que no tengo nada a lo que pueda aferrarme. creo que estoy luchando constantemente contra lo que ya sé, que nada es seguro.

no tengo que saber quién soy exactamente. nadie sabe quién es. me gustaría no sentirme perdida cuando algo sale mal o de una forma inesperada, me gustaría tratar de entender pero sin obsesionarme con tener el control de todo. me gustaría no odiarme cuando me dejo llevar y resulta mal. me gustaría no odiarme por tratar de calcular cada paso. creo que entiendo que el mundo va más rápido que yo, y que hay momentos en los que tengo que tratar de encajar pero hay otros en los que es mejor irme.

encontrar cómo, cuándo, qué parte y en qué parte es difícil. cada vez es diferente, y uno tiende a reaccionar siempre igual naturalmente. construirse el difícil. más si uno siente que ya es tarde para muchas cosas.

no puedo soltarme del todo pero no puedo encerrarme y no mirar afuera.

es probable que nadie entienda cómo me siento a veces. por qué de repente me siento muy bien, casi eufórica, y de repente quiero cerrar todas las puertas y hundirme en las sábanas.
hay cosas que a muchos les pueden parecer pequeñas pero que realmente significan grandes cambios para mí. lograr cualquier cosa. descubrir que tantas cosas del "pasado" me siguen dominando. que me cuestionen. cuestionarme. hacer o conseguir algo que me guste. tener la aprobación de alguien.
la indiferencia no es lo mismo. sentirme inútil no es lo mismo.

me gustaría que el resto del mundo caminara conmigo alguna vez.
me gustaría sentirme fuerte.

2009-04-30T03:16:00.003-03:00

don't believe in what you see,
i'm not here

i'm mist
dust from the clouds
flying through the sky and ready to drown

"how do you deal with it?"
i'm letting it stay
while i'm the one who's gone away

i don't feel heavy i don't feel sick
my bones aren't broken my muscles aren't too tight
i'm alright
i'm free
don't forget me

buried in sand i don't need air to breathe
go out look at the nightsky
drift into the waves
buried in water i don't need air to breathe
don't believe in what you see

i'm shattered,
i'm wind and leaves and sparkling white
i can't remember your voice
and how you used to steal mine
i don't know how to walk and the thirst is gone

still i feel shivers down my spine
don't forget me
when i get carried away
i don't know who i used to be

under the clouds
when i feel the earth in my feet sometimes
i don't believe in what i see
a blink, don't forget me
i'm not who i used to be

2009-04-24T01:56:00.003-03:00

i can't really do this alone,
so just go.

you don't wanna see me fall,
so take me home.

2009-04-23T02:10:00.002-03:00

love a little less, want a little less, need a little more.
play less but add a few more tricks.

frail behind the stained glass.
no song to be heard,
no story to be read
behind a million words.

2009-04-22T04:28:00.003-03:00

"did you miss me?", she said, staring into the abyss.
standing on the edge.
i'd almost forgotten the scars on my feet.

the city is not that far.
i can hear the noise. the screaming.

maybe i need to make some of my own.
back home.

keep your eyes open.

2009-04-20T00:34:00.002-03:00

[07? 04 09]

"subirme al tren del mundo". hoy.
pequeños pasos que me guíen.
nada ni nadie es lo mismo todo el tiempo,
pero ahí están.

cuando nos movemos arrastramos un mundo con nosotros.

ésta es la historia de cómo busco otra mejor para contar.

2009-04-18T15:58:00.002-03:00

sábanas pesadas.
humo en el placard.
lo físico, lo químico,
lo verdadero y lo falso.

no quiero ser para hacer.
no quiero hacer para ver cómo se ve.

máscaras de terciopelo.
jugo de naranja con limón.

una vez que está allí,
sólo le pones otro nombre.

burbujas de cristal,
colchones de algodón.

predecible.
no quiero ser habiendo hecho lo mismo.

más, pero "allá".
sólo una muestra de lo que se diluye.

cuadros fugaces,
piedras cubiertas de espuma.
lo que se fue y lo que va a ser,
sólo una muestra,
lo volátil y lo corriente.

quiero ser para encontrar,
casi sin darme cuenta.
quiero robar y dejar.
mezclar y creer en lo nuevo.

verme sin nada más.

2009-04-16T01:24:00.002-03:00

ok sí, ya posteé esto en el fotolog (y hoy hablaba con gast sobre la demasiada cantidad de "medios de comunicación"), pero bueno, lo quiero poner acá porque queda más lindo (?). en fin.

1. if you run faster you'll forget.

2. fell quick to the snow, still life.

3. spinning room, it's getting dark.

the starry night, the blue of seas
are lifted off the ground.

4. still, you watch the golden lines...

5. i asked, is there a war? they watched me breathe dust.

6. so this is where the shapes begin to drip...

7. breathing in the dark, they're finding where you are.

8. dreams i have always had;

9. and now i'm in and out of sleep.

10. breathe in slowly, you will forget.

11. have you just lost your own mind, under pretty lights?
and with a great spray of light, you doubt.

12. down, down, down, where are the stirrings of old?
i knew you had to last, but when the sound is heard...